42 loooong minutes into it...

... finally, PIRATES! And then Captain Blood turned into a pirate, and then the real pirates were gone, and then within three months Blood was the most powerful pirate in the Caribbean, and then in the end he went back to the English army (which he disdained at the beginning of the movie).

Maybe I don't know enough about actual events in England's history to be able to appreciate the film. I just didn't see what all the fuss was about. (Pre-pirate he was a doctor, and I mean, come on, with a last name like "Blood" what other professions are really options for you? Vampire? Mortician?)

It did incent me to watch Pirates of the Caribbean again, though. But first I got distracted by The Breakfast Club rerunning on TV for the nine millionth time. Despite the commercial breaks and awful license with cutting scenes (to the extent that I'd be saying the lines along with the characters, and suddenly it would be the next scene but the actual scene wasn't finished, so I'd have to say the missing lines really quickly to catch myself up with the next scene - yeah, I'm that much of a dork about this movie - which I why I rarely watch the TV version anymore, but I happened to be ironing and cleaning up iTunes simultaneously so it was nice background)...

What was I saying? Oh yeah. What a brilliant movie.

Except that there were no pirates.

Behold, the power of advertising.

I have a birthday coming up next month, and I have to say that I would not be at all disappointed with one of these babies.

Especially since Her Majesty has taken to eating lettuce lately... Seriously, whenever I'm making a salad (which is often) she sits at my feet and whines until I give her some lettuce. Just a little bit, since I haven't found a definitive answer on whether it's bad or good for her. But she loves it.

It's kinda freaky.

I only wish the Chia thing was an actual head of something. Then it would be PERFECT.

(Yes, it's been 15 hours and I'm still awake. SIGH.)

Attention, frugal winos.

I found this merlot to be quite palatable. And it's on sale at BevMo right now.

You will be begging me for a copy of Billy Idol's Happy Holidays CD.

Click here to hear an utter abomination of O Holy Night. Click it!! And hold out for the "DEEEEEVIIIIINE" part. Hold out!!

As mystery Matt commented on The Sneeze, "I shall inflict it on my friends and non-friends alike."

Merry Christmas!

The longest day of my life.

I woke up at 3am this morning, which really isn't all that unusual. I blame it on a combination of it being the witching hour and owning a black cat. The unusual part was that I couldn't go back to sleep - at all. Sometimes it takes up to two hours, but I almost always get back to sleep. Not today.

So, since 3am this morning, I have accomplished the following:

• watched three episodes of The Office (plus deleted scenes)
• watched part of a crappy very old Dawson's Creek episode
  
• attempted to go to the gym at 6am only to wait 20 minutes and have it still not be open, at which point I gave up and went home
• ate breakfast
• [at which point the power on my entire block went out, causing me to rethink my next activity]
• cleaned up the 1/2 inch of dust on all the furniture in my apartment
  
• finally pulled out the down comforter and new comforter cover (the one I've been coveting at Ikea for about two years now, but refused to pay $50 for - a few weeks ago it was on sale for $20 - I hadn't even planned on going to Ikea that day, it was kind of serendipitous)
• [at which point the power came back on]
• got my glasses refitted
  
• dropped off dry cleaning and did four loads of laundry at the laundromat
• ate lunch
• figured out The Plan for getting to the airport Sunday morning
  
• walked (back) to the gym, did my gym thing
• walked to the grocery store and video store (to pick up THIS! which I learned about from THIS! garrr)
• double-checked The Plan for getting to the airport Sunday morning
  

And it's only 3pm. And I'm not even tired. And it's prime napping weather.

Guess I have to continue to be productive. It's my day off! Bah.

Friday five.

Five things I hope to do while I am home, in no particular order:

• visit the International Spy Museum
• meet my oldest friend's two year old
• visit the Baltimore Knife and Sword Company
  
• while I'm in Balmer, visit the American Visionary Art Museum
• sleep past 3am (SIGH)
  

I have done this. Actually.

And so, it made me laugh.

Keeping 'em guessing.

I haven't been taken very seriously at work lately, so I decided to shed my usual uniform of jeans and Docs and try out some serious professional garb to see if that would help matters. It really was more of a sociology experiment than anything else. At this point I could care less if people take me seriously.

Both yesterday and today I wore suit-like skirts not from Ross Dress for Less, with coordinated sweaters that cost more than $20 each, oh and stockings with heels.

I'm not sure whether people took me more seriously about my questions and suggestions. But I did get a LOT of questions about whether I'd had an interview that morning. One such question was asked in a large group gathering to say goodbye to a fellow long-timer who was lucky enough to have found a new opportunity. I thought that was hilarious... especially since I never actually answered the question.

What the hell. Most people know I'm looking anyway. The veep is even helping me out in that arena.

Have I mentioned I now have FIVE bosses, as opposed to the aforementioned four? And someone who insisted I fill out some form as per "the process" got all upset because I filled out the form as per his own request? And allegedly I'm changing roles but there is no plan to transition my existing work, which basically means I'll be doing my current job PLUS my new job, which definitely means that I will do all of them poorly because I refuse to work past 5pm?

I can already predict the new year: "I'd like to move us right along to a Jen(n). Now we had a chance to meet this young woman, and boy that's just a straight shooter with upper management written all over her."

Joseph is the new Joaquin?

Tonight after the annual viewing of the Charlie Brown Christmas special, I watched the end of Mysterious Skin, which I started Friday night but fell asleep during. Not for lack of interest - it wasn't the most pleasant movie to watch, but the story and the actors were compelling and gut-wrenching.

I have to say - after this and Brick, I am predicting that the former 3rd Rock From the Sun star will be bigger than big in the very near future. And I never even liked or watched 3rd Rock From the Sun.

That's my prediction, and I'm sticking to it.

And now, on to the next depressing sexual abuse story! (This one has our friend Gael. So it's got that going for it.)

Perhaps my iTunes and my Netflix need to get together and go to counseling?

Have a nice day.

To broccoli!

Intelligent children may be more likely to be vegetarian as adults, suggests a study published online by the British Medical Journal.

And here's where I say, nyeah nyeah nyeah.

When life imitates government...

... you know that you're in trouble.

Get what you give.

I pay $18/month for my gym membership. The hours stink, half the time it's self-service to get a locker, there are only two elliptical machines, and the TVs are positioned awkwardly over the treadmill area so depending on which treadmill you choose, you might be straining your neck to view the monitor.

But it's $18/month. I don't complain.

On the other hand! This news made me quite livid. Of the hundred or so channels I have access to right now, I watch about ten on a regular basis (five of which are network channels). Why can't I pay, say, $1/month per channel I watch, and maybe $5/month for HBO, Sundance, etc., instead of paying a set rate for those plus several ESPN channels, several Spanish channels, E!, Lifetime, SpikeTV, sixteen news channels that repeat the same crap over and over, and one channel that apparently shows Law & Order 24/7?

(And don't even GET me started on this news. Yeah, because Scrubs and That 70's Show really need to be viewed in high-def.)

So I've decided to cancel my cable television starting in January, and just stick to good ol' Netflix. At $19/month, I can deal with being behind a season on the latest pop culture in exchange for no commercials and corporate raping of my bank account every month. And I can hope that they will offer these fascinating episodes sometime soon. The only things I will probably miss are Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. And I will miss them hard.

Maybe I'll subscribe to the TV Guide. A wise man once said, "If you read the TV Guide, you don't need a TV."

Post-Friday five.

Five stupid facts about names, in no particular order:

• Thanks to a $10 million gift, Columbus Children's Hospital will soon break ground on the Abercrombie & Fitch Emergency Department and Trauma Center.
  
• Eventually choosing "Gone With the Wind," Margaret Mitchell originally considered naming her novel "Tote the Weary Load."
• At least 3 Americans are named ESPN.
• In 2005, McDonald's offered rappers $5 every time one of their songs mentioning a Big Mac was played on the radio.
• The Thai word for "Bangkok" is 164 letters long and tells the city's history.

Source.

New year's resolution #1.

I will NOT buy ANY MORE CHRISTMAS CARDS until I have sent out all the cards in my current stash (about 8 boxes, all half full, even after this year's batch). No matter how cute or funny or quirky they are, or how much on sale they are, or how quickly I forget how many cards I have in my current stash, I will NOT buy any more Christmas cards until they are all gone.

And don't be surprised if you get Christmas cards throughout 2007 in my efforts to get rid of them.

FOUND.

I hereby re-join the world of the living, and I hereby relinquish my hold on my virtual boyfriend, Sawyer, at least for a little while...

What a bloody terrible ending to season 2.

And I only say that because I'm pissed that I don't have season 3 readily available.

Early Friday five.

Five questions about - what else - LOST! - because I'm up to season 2, disc 4 and I still don't know what the hell is going on. (Contains no significant spoilers, which probably doesn't matter anyway, because I'm behind compared to all the people who read this, who actually watch the show - and those who don't do either of those things probably never will.)

• Does Michelle Rodriguez's character go away soon? Please, can she?
  
• If the hatch has a trash can, one of those metal flip-lid dealies, what do the people on the beach do with their trash? (I'll skip the obvious - WHY does the hatch, that has been hermetically sealed for eons in the middle of the jungle on some god-forsaken island, have a flip-top metal trash can?)
• Where the hell is the dog?
  
• Where are they taking Charlie's character?
• Just how many nicknames can Sawyer come up with?*
  

________________
* Which was your favorite? So far my vote goes for "Mr. Clean", a close second is "Hans and Chewy." I look forward to disc 7 bonus features, where they recount all his nicknames in a montage not unlike this one. Only funny.

Yes, yes...

... I own Billy Idol's holiday compilation. (Now who wants to touch me? I said WHO WANTS TO FUCKING TOUCH ME!)

I couldn't help it. It was calling to me at Best Buy tonight - just LOOK at that smarmy cover photo! The only Christmas music I currently possess is the Sesame Street Christmas Album from 1975, and a hidden track called "I Will Be Hating You for Christmas" by Everclear (which I played dozens of times after the David debacle). And a bargain at only $9.99... I just had to see for myself.

Don't get me wrong. There is a surefire time and place for Billy. Who amongst us hasn't run across "White Wedding" on the radio and snarled right along with him?

But yeah. This holiday compilation is as bad as you think it might be. Possibly even worse. His liner note includes the sentiment, "Another part of my performing these songs is that they are a challenge to sing... It was fun to come up against all that and find these songs sing themselves." Oh, so the songs are the terrible singers then? Riiiiiiiight.

It's so bad, in fact, that I know at least two people who are getting copies on the sole basis of the BAD.

I bought it along with a 70's concert video of a KISS show as a present for my brother. At least I could tell the checkout guy that the KISS video needed a gift receipt.

But first...

... before I got Lost tonight, because I am in "catch up on shit that people lent me or just give the shit back already" mode, and since it was pretty short and required little effort or thought, and because I haven't thought about alternate universes in a while, I watched The Animatrix.

I have to ask: what is the connection with cats? Cats were featured in two of the Animatrix shorts, and in the Matrix (I) itself there was that one black "deja vu" cat. I also found it very interesting that Her Majesty, who usually only shows remote interest in Discovery shows about big cats, perked up for most of the viewing of the animated series.

And by "interesting," I mean FREAKY.

Google was no help on this one. Any thoughts?

But I waaaaaaaaaaaant it.

I have never been so intrigued by a clock I can't afford. I saw this, live and in person, at the store in Pasadena. It's even cooler in real life... And the orange matches my couch... And don't I owe myself a little Christmas present this season?

I can't justify the purchase. But just knowing a clock like that exists makes me happy. Surely eBay will have a knockoff available for 1/8 the price someday soon.

Don't panic.

I admit it. I freaked out a little bit when I thought the mail had come, and there was no Lost: Season 2, disc 2 in my mailbox. I'd just sent two discs back this morning, and my entire evening revolved around the plan of watching disc 2 which Netflix told me would come today.

OK, maybe "a little bit" isn't entirely accurate.

I immediately began to curse Netflix. They'd never let me down before, but I'd heard stories of others who waited weeks for their DVD requests to arrive. Weeks?! Could I really wait weeks?! They had to pick NOW to start letting me down?

Then my thoughts strayed to what the hell I was going to do with my evening. Would I actually have to GO SEE a movie instead? Stranger Than Fiction is the only one I'm remotely interested in, and I'm trying to hold out for the Parkway on that one.

Would I have to shell out $4 and pick up disc 2 from the local Silver Screen? I wasn't above it, I'll tell you that much.

When I got back from the store after the first mail check, the mail had actually come, and there it was. In all its glory. Season 2, disc 2.

It's an addiction. It really is.

I don't use the term "douchebag " often, but...

Why would anyone serenade their new wife with the tune, "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling"? What a douchebag.

Friday five.

Weirdest questions I have ever had to answer on a scantron, in no particular order:

1. what is 52 times 3 plus 37 minus 8 divided by 4 plus 1/3 of 88?
   
2. using the below map of the area, what is the shortest distance you would drive to get from the bar brawl to the jewelry heist?
3. when responding to a complaint, is it better to a) ignore it, b) acknowledge it and empathize with the complainer, then explain the rationale, c) tell them to call management or d) say "lalalalalalala I can't hear you" while sticking your fingers in your ears?
4. what is wrong with this sentence: "Johnny done went and got himself in a car crash." a) punctuation error, b) grammatical error, c) spelling error, d) nothing?
5. which diagram below accurately depicts the following scenario: an old lady is waiting for the bus at corner U, when a car stops and picks her up, drags her up and down V and W streets, violates her at corner X and leaves her outside a vacant lot at corner Y?

(The paraphrased fifth one was very early in the test. I guess it's designed to weed out all the faint of heart as early as possible.)

Barenaked monkey business.

There's a line in one of their most well-known, often played songs, which I have heard at least a gazillion times, that goes, "Haven't you always wanted a mon-KEY??" There's another song, written many years later, about a fan (or fans) sending them postcards of chimpanzees. Tons and tons of postcards of chimpanzees. Last night, upon seeing the little monkey in Steve's coat pocket (not his zipper), I finally got the connection. At least, I think it's a connection.

I hereby pronounce my new method of job searching: asking everyone I know, "Haven't you always wanted a new JOB??" I'm sure the offers will just come pouring in.

Anyway. I wasn't thrilled with their latest endeavor, and even less so when I heard they had better songs on part 2 of the album but you had to re-buy the album to get part 2, and the crowd started out too tame, and the band started out too tame, and the dance routine felt like it was influenced by OK Go's videos instead of by their own design, and even THEY seemed bored at times during the show... but somewhere between the middle of the show and the first encore, I remembered why I would marry any one of them.

Except for perhaps the drummer, but he would definitely make a great drinking buddy.

Post-Thanksgiving Friday five.

Five random inventions I am thankful for, in no particular order:

1. headphones
   
2. fuzzy slippers
3. bread machines
   
4. umbrellas
5. neosporin
   

Because I can't seem to get over this.

Seriously now. If you were meeting someone for the first time, would you glare and be verbally annoyed with them for being 4 minutes late?

The only person I do that with is my oldest friend. And that's because I've known her for 18 years, and she really is ALWAYS LATE.

But seriously.

Happy thanksgiving!

Time, once again, to learn a little lesson from those crazy cats...

BUT THANKSGIVING IS THURSDAY

NOT IN CAT TOWN, IN CAT TOWN ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN SO IT'S THANKSGIVING TODAY

DINGDONG HEAD

One step closer to roadkill.

My application was approved. If I don't show up to the written exam, I am immediately disqualified. I'm not sure what to do with this information.

Bona fide Friday five.

Five things making me happy right now, in no particular order:

• O Valencia! playing on iTunes (how can a song about death and gangs be such a foot tapping melodious treat?)
• one more day of work till no more days of work till 11/27 (boy could I write a Friday five about why I hate work right now, and one guy in particular would be #1)
  
• two more episodes of Lost to absorb tonight (still no sign of why the fat guy is still fat... and where the heck is the pregnant chick? I've got a theory - that it's the French gal - and that guy Ethan - no something isn't right here)
• homemade pizza dough in the oven, making my apartment smell lovely (and homemade pizza will shortly ensue)
  
• Cameron and JT are still going strong... at least someone in Hollywood is giving us hope
  

Way more effective than leadership telling you that you're great.

Got a random IM today from a distant (as in far away distant, not emotionally distant) coworker friend saying "oh hey by the way I married that guy I told you about earlier this year that I met on match! so what's up with your romantic search?"

I had to reply "congrats! yeah not much on my end." But it did incite me to post something on CraigsList this evening just for fun. I was blatantly honest in my post and, as a result, did not expect a whole lot of replies.

Less than an hour later, I have seven replies, at least five of which appear to be honest potentials.

Even if I don't ever follow up with any of them, I now officially love the man who invented CraigsList.

Is it just me...

... or is it really weird to hear Peter Gibbons from Office Space talking with Zoe from Firefly as background TV noise while you're surfing the internet?

"Maybe when I retire, I can finally chase the dream."

So this just reminded me of my only beef (no pun intended) with Lost. I have watched about half of season one, and I keep wondering...

(Digression: I apologize for the complete un-PC-ness of this post, but really, there is no other way to ask this question. End of digression.)

WHY IS THE FAT GUY STILL FAT??

I mean, come on! You've spent seven days on a desert island, you're sweating ALL THE TIME, there's barely any water for anyone and you're probably just eating fruit and roasted wild boar...

A friend at work said it would all be explained soon enough. But by Biggest Loser standards, the other people should've already wasted away to nothing, and the fat guy should be visibly smaller. So I'm VERY curious to hear this "explanation."

Otherwise though, loving the show.

Cliff's notes.

I bet that if I were to ever read Moby Dick, I would be writing the exact same things.

Really early Friday five.

Top five cold, rainy, windy day songs, in no particular order (except maybe #1, which I actually listened to nine times in a row this morning starting with the bus ride to work):

1. The Island - The Decemberists
2. Closedown - The Cure
3. Styrofoam Plates - Death Cab for Cutie
4. Starla - Smashing Pumpkins
   
5. Govinda - Kula Shaker
   

Super bonus really early Friday five! Top five rain-themed songs, in no particular order (except maybe #1 because it almost made the list above):

1. Purple Rain - Prince
2. S. Central Rain - REM
3. Rainy Days and Mondays - Cracker remix
4. No Rain (stripped away version) - Blind Melon
5. Dry the Rain - Beta Band

Honorable mention to Buckets of Rain, which didn't make the list because it's a love song. Bah. But still a great song.

OK, um, NO!

I tried so hard to get Her Majesty to dance along with me to OK Go's Here It Goes Again when it played on my iTunes while I was making dinner. I was even doing their dance moves (sans treadmills) and everything.

She was less than interested.

Beta breaker.

I have finally succumbed to Blogger's Beta version, only because I've been envious of other blogs with labels. So now you can revisit any Friday(ish) Five to your heart's content. I think two were actually published on a Friday!

However, now I've lost my Spinning and Strangers/Friends links and I can't figure out where to re-insert them in the template. And I'm too lazy to spend any more time on this.

So, if you don't know who I frequently listen to, that means all my music posts will be lost on you anyway. And if you don't know who I frequently read, that means you don't read them so it probably doesn't matter.

Oh yeah. It's all about ME. That's right.

I might not have rhythm...

... but damn, these guys do. My ears are still ringing and I missed my 10K run this morning, but it's so worth it.

A bug's life.

I loved Microcosmos when it first came out. At the time the photography was groundbreaking, and the concept was pretty original too. I saw it in college at the student union and you should've heard the cheering when that dung beetle finally, after about 20 attempts, got his package up that hill! I eventually bought it and watch it periodically when I need some perspective on life. (The former cat used to love it because there's very little narration, just nature sights and sounds.)

So I was happy to run across this 2-disc series from Netflix and in between obsessing with Lost, I have learned that:

• all wasps are total bastards
• ants are even dumber than cows - but they can doggie paddle
• spider webs are even more fascinating than I originally thought, and baby spiders are soooo cute (so are baby walking sticks)
  
• David Attenborough can be quite a goofball
• and lots of other things
  

Even if you think bugs are disgusting (which - spiders and caterpillars aside - I do too), you should check it out. You will not be disappointed.

The black hole of consumerism.

So I was running some errands today and stopped by Costco for hand soap, dishwashing detergent and tomato paste.

I walked out with $157 of purchases. They get me EVERY TIME!!!

Because I love a challenge. Well, not really, but this sounded interesting.

Via friend of friend of friend. (Skipping the "quik" blog since my blog is pretty much already a "quik" blog.) I have to say I felt a bit like Frankenstein answering these, but it was fun.

Answer the following 25 questions in two-word phrases.

1. Explain what ended your last relationship.
Loved me. Scared him. Dumped me. Fucking bastard.

2. When was the last time you shaved?
Armpits today. Legs Saturday.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?
Shushing cat. Hitting snooze.

4. Were you any good at math?
Until calculus. Differential equations. First "D." Only "D." Yes, ever.

5. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Riding bus. Picturing dinner. And wine.

6. Your prom night?
No date. Friendly outing. Bad music. Bad food. Good memories.

7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
Not sure. Part Cherokee. (Small part. Very small.) It's likely.

8. Have you had to take a loan out for school?
Yes, several. Paid off.

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
"Yucky yucky. Hate myspace. No account." (Stole that. Fit perfectly.)

10. Last thing received in the mail?
Bank statement. BevMo coupon.

11. How many different beverages have you had today?
Hot coffee. Lukewarm water.

12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine?
Rarely call. Usually email. But yes.

13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?
Neil Diamond. Mom's fave. Age four. (My age. Not Mom's. Or Neil's.)

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Um, no. Age 31.

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
Root canal. Laughing gas. Much novocaine. Little pain. That said. Mental pain. Hearing drill. Seeing smoke. Feeling pressure. Jaw open. For HOURS. Owwie ow.

16. What is out your back door?
Balcony plants. Bus stop. Street noise. (I rent.)

17. Any plans for Friday night?
Lost, wine. Annie's alfredo. Chik'n strips.

18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
Which ocean? Atlantic ocean? Dirty water. Trashy beaches. Humidity sucks. Pacific ocean? Love it. Hair notwithstanding.

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns?
Uncle Harry. Age ten. Lasted years. And years. Got stale. Really stale. Birds ate.

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
Valentine's Day. Long ago. Great date. Meteor shower.

21. Do you re-use towels after you shower?
Of course.

22. Some things you are excited about?
The weekend. The Mutaytor. Thanksgiving vacation. New prospects. New hope. Dem House. Dem Senate. Satan resigning. Good friends. Good times.

23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
Don't know. Strawberry banana? Oh yes. Jello mold. With marshmallows. And pineapple. Thanksgiving staple!

24. Describe your keychain(s)?
Many keys. Mini wrench. Volunteer memorabilia. Marathon memorabilia.

25. Where do you keep your change?
Glove box. Wooden box. My wallet. Pennies suck!

On this date in previous years:

• Nov 10, 2005: bitched about work. Thanked my lucky stars.
  
• Beyond that, though, I'm not really sure. I haven't kept very good records.
  

Note to self.

Next time an illness occurs, be sure to have several seasons of an unwatched TV series on hand. Daytime TV is total CRAP.

Although I did get to see Jamie Oliver on Martha today.

________________
Yeah, yeah, I should be reading. What of it?

I wouldn't say I've been *missing* it, Bob.

Another couch day. I'm feeling better, and I know that stress doesn't really contribute to ulcers, but since I'm pretty sure I don't have an ulcer I figure I should avoid all stress for one more day and really rest up for the 3-day week of stress that's ahead of me.

It's that kind of backwards logic that got me where I am today. Jealous, you are.

HOLD THE PHONE!!

The Queery Eye guys are GAY?? GET THE HELL OUT!!! Other shockers - are you sitting down?? - include RuPaul, Bruce Vilanch, John Waters, Alan Cumming and kd lang.

I can't believe WCBSTV.com actually put together a slide show of gay celebrities. I can't believe they actually called it "it's in to be out." Tell that to all the people who are constantly harrassed, discriminated against, bludgeoned to death because of who they date. What people do in their own lives is their own damn business. (Well... except Reese and Ryan, of course. And those creepy 80-year old men who marry twenty-somethings... and vice versa... yeesh.)

Curse you, Alex Blagg. Curse you and the horse you rode in on.

Signed,
Your most loyal fan

Belated Friday Five.

Five things I learned about ulcers today:

1. Most ulcers are caused by an infection, not spicy food, acid or stress.
2. Having Type O blood increases your risk of getting a stomach ulcer. (But it's the type of blood that saves the babies!)
3. One in 10 Americans develops an ulcer at some time in his or her life, usually between 30 and 50 yrs old.
   
4. Stomach ulcers develop more often in women than men - but men are more likely to get duodenal ulcers, so we're even.
5. Pictures of ulcers are really, really disgusting.
   

After further examining all the symptoms, I also learned that I don't think I have a stomach ulcer. Back to square one on the self-diagnosis.

Thank God for YouTube.

In case you missed it at the Fillmore, or at the Download Festival, or last weekend on SNL... This is one of the absolute coolest things I have ever seen at a concert.

The marionettes were cool, but this was way cooler.

Proof that I will watch anything that includes Nathan Fillion.

After almost every meal since Friday, I have had sharp pangs in my stomach for no apparent reason. I was worried for a while that I might have an ulcer.

Slither showed me that I don't actually have an ulcer. In fact, I have a parasite worm from outer space, which has installed itself in my brain and will eventually cause me to transform into a creepy monster.

WHEW!

Oh, and owwww...

The yin and yang of fine filmmaking.

Running with Scissors: a heartbreakingly beautiful adaptation of an impossible-to-believe-but-alleged memoire. Sidenote... It took me looking it up on IMDB to realize that was Joseph Fiennes. He slums it pretty good.

Borat - Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan: a mindnumbingly genius, disturbing, and at times downright nauseating tale of a foreign man's journey across the "U S and A." High five to Sasha Cohen for bringing back the most underrated victory sign ever! Sidenote... someone I saw it with today said that the fraternity guy's parents were suing because the movie made their son look like an idiot. Um, YEAH. IT WAS THE MOVIE that made your son look like an idiot, NOT YOUR IDIOT SON.

I love a challenge.

I recently lost two houseplants to unknown causes. (I'm sure the facts that I buy houseplants at Longs, and water them rather sporadically, have NOTHING to do with it.)

Today I finally remembered to buy new plants... one is a normal leafy houseplant, the other is a snake plant. In addition to its name (snake plants on a $&%*# plane!!), it was purchased because the tag said "very hard to kill."

HA. We'll see about that!

And in today's TV news.

Doogie Howser is gay. I am so glad he came out. How I Met Your Mother is a good show too. Not just because he and Willow are in it, either. Watch it.

Scrubs, for those of you who don't know, is (was?) a really freakin' good show. I am a recent convert, having dismissed the show for many years due to sitcom mania and old friends in sororities who love the show (therefore disqualifying it in my day-to-day TV watching), and having only seen recent reruns at the 7:30 hour on Comedy Central before the Daily Show nightly rerun. But yeah - one episode of Zach Braff not knowing what to do with himself after all his friends are in relationships - it's even better than Grey's Anatomy. (Which I also love.)

And also - don't be fooled. LOST is as addictive as they say. I only got through the first DVD with the pilot and two episodes, but let me tell you - I AM HOOKED.

I'm pretty sure it wasn't crack.

When I got to the bus stop this morning, there was an older gentleman sitting on the bench smoking a cigarette. I took my usual post under these circumstances (30 feet from the bus stop, in the shade, far away from the cigarette smoke) and proceeded to watch as he pulled out a stick of... something... and whittled off a bit of that into his half-smoked cigarette. After finishing his smoke, he went straight to the stick of whatever and lit that, and smoked it as well. He then went into some kind of seizure of coughing fits and spitting fits and smoking more of the stick of... whatever. Then he turned to the woman who was blatantly trying to ignore him, asked the time, lit up another cigarette, and went on his way. The only thing I could think, given my limited exposure to illegal drugs, was that it was straight hash lined with something evil.

It was quite surreal to see this at 8:45am on a Wednesday. Put a whole new perspective on the day.

Thank goodness for the extra hour this weekend.

I needed it to plow through 200 Voter Guide pages plus 19,748 web sites for all the candidates and issues.

Most were no brainers for me... The ones I really had to think about were Props 86 and 88. They are both certainly well-intentioned, but it's so hard to know what will really benefit the community versus just creating more of a mess. Curious to see how those turn out.

Yunno, kinda like the lottery.

The first contestant kept calling the program, which is basically a pointless game of chance with lots of opportunity for empty hope and little opportunity for success, "the American dream." How ironic.

It was strangely fascinating and although I won't be watching another minute of it, I can see how people get into it. But all I could focus on was Howie Mandel - wasn't it just last year when he was an anti-germ, anti-bacteria, mask- and glove-wearing obsessive? And now he's hugging strangers?

Wonder how much he's getting paid... Talk about the American dream. He should be an inspiration to us all.

One small step toward Jetsonville.

Forget the car that gives real-time traffic updates... Never mind the car that parallel parks FOR you...

Check this thing out. File under: wish I thought of that.

File under: WHO KNEW?!

I'm on the Comic-Con mailing list because I attended the 2005 event featuring Kevin Smith and a panel discussion with Joss Whedon and the cast of Serenity. I don't really plan to attend again - I mean, it was fun and all, but not the greatest venue for meeting my future husband seeing as how I'm not really into comics or gaming or collecting any of that. Although it was really cool to see the person behind Chewbacca in person - damn that guy has big hands.

I was leafing through the 2007 schedule of events and noticed a photo of Deepak Chopra. Further reading revealed that in addition to being an author and physician, he is also the chairman of Virgin Comics.

I find this fascinating, intriguing and confusing all at the same time.

One of these things just doesn't belong.

It was slightly troubling yesterday when Trent Reznor was singing about his "crown of shit" and the "fading fucking reminder" in front of all the Bridge School kids at the big benefit. But he was also completely out of his element, what with it being an acoustic show, and the crowd seemed willing to overlook the somewhat troubling elements of his performance. Besides, all the Death Cab songs were about death too (ironically), so who could begrudge Reznor?

Twenty years of organizing this benefit. Neil Young is DA MAN.

What not to wear.

Next Saturday I am going to an event for which the invitation said "black tie optional." None of my wardrobe that might possibly, remotely, poorly qualify for such an event fits anymore. Allllright, shopping time!

I haven't shopped for a formal dress since I (ill-advisedly) went to a fraternity formal with a friend in college. Today it was actually kinda fun. I allotted myself $150 since I recently came into an unexpected $100, and $50 is what I would normally allot myself for such an occasion. I branched out and tried a bunch of different colors instead of my usual black tendencies. I learned that people can make clothes out of polyester and charge a RIDONCULOUS amount of money for them. I buy my polyester at Ross, thank you very much.

I went into stores I normally walk right past (Bebe, White House Black Market, Macy's, Nordstrom) and tried on dresses that cost up to $300. I've never worn a $300... anything... before. I felt very elegant in that (non-polyester) dress. And it looked really good. If only it were 50% off.

And while I didn't end up buying anything, of all the ones I tried on I really liked this dress. It's very me. And Stacy and Clinton would be so happy with how it fit - hell, I was happy with how it fit. And I already have the shoes and purse and wrap and all that girlie crap.

It would mean salads and no cheese all week to make sure it fits by Saturday, but I think I might have to take the plunge. And pray to Christ Almighty that I don't spill red wine on it during the event.

Thank you for appreciating my aloneness.

Last night at the Decemberists* show, the intro announcer asked us to turn to our neighbor and make a friend. Rolling my eyes, I turned to Chatty Cathy next to me who'd been yakking with her friend very loudly (and possibly drunkenly) during the whole opening act, that I thoroughly enjoyed, and all I could think was JMFC if they do this the whole time I'm going to have to... ask them politely to quiet down... and if they don't, quite possibly I will kill them.

Chatty Cathy introduced herself and said (twice) how she really admired me for coming to a show alone. "I mean," she does it now and then but she's always standing down on the floor in the crowd. She never went to a show and actually sat alone waiting for the show to start.

I really didn't know what to say ( ... trying to organize my friends to go a show is like herding cats ... you get better seats when you are seating just one person ... THE HELL if I was missing this show just because I might not have anyone to go with - not that I asked, see first example in parenthetical thought process ... going alone means I don't have any Chatty Cathys to deal with ... I am too old and lazy to stand in a crowded floor space for three hours ... ), but since I figured she was drunk I just said thanks. Twice.

I live like a hermit not only in my own head, but in my own day to day life. Willingly. I'm not sure why people think that's so weird. (Or admirable.) Not to be gloomy, but it's been my experience that when you start relying on people, you get burned. If I let me down, it's my own damn fault.

Don't get me wrong. I love all my true friends dearly, each one for very different but very pure reasons. I just have to know that in the end, it's up to me to make myself and my life a happy one.

Perhaps I should just lower my day to day expectations.

________________
* Holy hell what a fantastic show. I can't remember a show where the crowd screamed SO LOUD for an encore. Thunderous beautiful applause, foot stomping and screaming. And holy hell what a fantastic show.

OH! And on the ballad Friday five. Someone at work asked me to describe their music, and I couldn't think of a decent example to compare them to. He said, "ballads?" And I said "NO!" thinking, of course, of power ballads by the hair bands of the 80s, because that is all that comes to mind when I hear the word "ballad." But then I thought about it, and said, "well, yeah... ballads about fictional characters in history, with lots of stormy seas and warfare, and accordions, pianos, violins, xylophones, bass drums and terribly depressing lyrics about death and love and consumption. And some regular love-type ballads too. It's music you want to listen to on a Saturday where it just rains and rains and rains, nonstop, all day."

He didn't really get it.

Gasp and swoon, an actual Friday five.

My top five favorite hair band power ballads of the 1980's, in no particular order:

• Every Rose Has Its Thorn - Poison
• Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler
  
• Livin' on a Prayer - Bon Jovi
• More than Words - Extreme
• Keep on Loving You - REO Speedwagon
  

Musicpalooza.

The new Decemberists album. Is. Just. Plain. Lovely. On the surface it seems much simpler than their other endeavors, both musically and lyrically - but multiple listens reveal intricacies, complexities and melodies along the same lines of their previous albums. I would love to know which song it was that I heard on iTunes' Indie Pop Rocks radio station approximately one year ago that caused me to immediately buy all their albums to date. Whatever it was, I'm so glad I did. And I'm so excited to see them on Thursday.

The new Barenaked Ladies album is not lovely. It's a bit hokey and I'm hopeful that multiple listens will result in it growing on me. (This happened with Maroon. Maybe this is what they were worried about when they wrote Testing 1, 2, 3 on their last album.) I'm also worried that one or more of them are recently divorced, given the lyrics. Worried in the "hmm I should start stalking them" sense of the word, of course. I'm still excited to see them in November... I've not been disappointed yet.

The new Beck album is definitely going to take multiple listens - but they usually do, and I always end up loving them. I liked what I heard at the Download Festival and fully expect to like the rest just as much. And the album purchase came with videos for each song. The chance to stare at the hottest Scientologist this side of the Mississippi for over an hour? Sign me up!

A: The Raiders.

Q: Who SUCKS?

I'm not a huge football fan, but I was at one point. Of late I've gotten back into the Sunday ritual of game day. It's a family tradition. And my brother has given me countless Raiders paraphernalia items that I should be able to wear proudly (should I ever wear such things, and should the Raiders ever NOT SUCK). And an ex-boyfriend was a GINORMOUS Eagles fan. (I still love the Flyers, but the Eagles? Naaaah. I root for the Steelers just to spite him.)

The real reason is that it's an excuse to drink beer and eat chips, even though I'm watching the game alone.

Mmmmm. Fritos scoops. Mmmmm.

Sleep when you're dead.

I was in a quirky mood today so I wandered over to the Piedmont to see The Science of Sleep. Turned out I was in the right mood for this movie, up until a certain point near the very end when I saw a bit too much of myself in both of the main characters and then got a little depressed. (Otherwise it was excellent - quirky and laughable and heartfelt. Bordering on lovely - but not quite. Charming, perhaps.)

Then I walked home and, in an effort to catch up on my Netflix, popped in Flight from Death, which (I think) was recommended by a friend. Parts of the documentary describe the work of a team of researchers (one very quirky) who have conducted over 300 laboratory studies that substantiate Ernest Becker's claim that death anxiety is a primary motivator of human behavior, specifically aggression and violence. And then it got sidetracked into a 9/11 montage, and overall it was too focused on America when there were so many other atrocities that could've been mentioned to support the theory, and the end was slightly - but not really - uplifting... But it did offer the final suggestion that we should act for mankind in general in our day-to-day life, versus working for money or fame or fortune. Of course, the people who need to see it will never watch this documentary. (As is the case with most documentaries.)

And then after all the talk of sleep and death I just had to take a nap. And I napped HARD. Me and Her Majesty both. It was a beautiful thing.

"And your heart goes, Ugh."

As usual, Mark Morford puts it into words so eloquently whereas I can only say "holy hell what the fuck?"

Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes.

They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses.



And what's with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?



Bunnies. Bunnies - it must be bunnies!

A case of the Wednesdays is much more pleasant.

It's kinda weird, being told that your team is committed to making something happen by some ridiculous date outside of their (and your) control, simply because *you* publicly stated that you believe in them (rather than because their managers or some mucky-muck believes in them ... or the project ... or the due date).

But it's also kinda nice.

If Lumbergh has them work on Saturday, I am so there with them. With cookies. For as long as it takes.

And here's another thing, I have eight different bosses right now.

Yesterday at the lake I saw a man running with ankle weights and a 10-pound dumbbell in each hand. I also saw a woman hula-hooping her way around the lake. No shit - HULA-HOOPING.

After a particularly interesting case of the Mondays today, I was leafing through my latest issue of Runners World and they've highlighted a blind marathon record-setter, a woman who trained for a marathon while undergoing chemotherapy, and a man who spent nine days in intensive care after an attack and within three months of release, ran five miles at his normal running rate and then ran a great pace for a half-marathon.

And so I sucked it up, and sent out a very proud Unpaid Job email thanking some humble people for doing a fabulous job on something, and then I settled in for another job search. And I realized that I'm doing the best I can with Paid Job, given the circumstances... I'm just not in the right environment.

Oh and also? I cancelled my Runners World subscription. I mean, Jesus Christ already.

Insert sound of cartoon character doing a double take.

Is it Jessica, or is it Ashlee?

Is it Casper, or is it Gwenyth?

Is it Castaway, or is it Matthew? (And OH MY GOD. Here I just thought his abs were big!)

(Oh COME ON, it had to be said.)

Is it Skeletor, or is it Katie?

And finally, I never thought I would say this, but I would KILL to be Jamie Lee Curtis for a day...

I feel the need... the need for speed!

Whenever I hear about the Blue Angels coming to town, I get pissed. Why oh why are they spending my tax dollars on such a wasteful unneccesary (and BLOODY LOUD) activity? What's the point?

And then, I see them in action. And I'm totally wowed. They were weaving in and out of high-rises in the city today. It never makes me feel patriotic, but it always makes me stare and eventually grin.

Probably because I always think of Top Gun. Yunno, pre-Tomkat scientology, twenty years ago, back when he was just completely hot and totally obnoxious.

Friday five.

Five things I saw while shopping today, that I do not understand in any way, shape or form, in no particular order:

1. Jessica Simpson shoes
2. Long-sleeved deep v-neck sweaters
3. Cropped dress pants
4. Denim jackets that look like corsets
5. Uggs. I will never understand Uggs.

I am 100% sure that all of this just means that I'm not hip. I'm okay with that.

Public service announcement.

People of the Bay Area! Listen up. Only 3% of you actually give blood. One hour of your life can save someone else's. You're all eligible, so get out there and give blood!

That is all.

________________
According to the Red Cross, I have given 51 pints of blood in my life. I'm on the "baby list" - they call me and say "the babies need your blood" which sounds kinda creepy but it's strangely motivating. Motivating enough for me to agree to the 30 minute wait every 8 weeks even though I have an appointment, and motivating enough to make me question getting another coveted tattoo because it will delay my ability to give blood for an entire year. If I do hit the tattoo parlor you'd better believe I will be hounding you all to make up for my slack.

Lost no more.

I got a letter from my college alumni fundraisers today. Delivered to my actual address instead of forwarded by my parents.

I spent the last 5 years successfully avoiding them.

Shit. Guess it's time to move again.

Reverse SAD.

Today I walked home scuffing my feet through dry fallen leaves, colored orange and red and yellow, on the sidewalk. Pumpkins are selling at the grocery store, and someone I know has their annually-coveted Halloween treats magazine.

Fall is here!

I love fall. And unlike most people I know, I absolutely love winter. I love when the sun goes down at 4:30pm, it's freezing cold outside (well, as "freezing" as the Bay Area can get) and the only food you feel like eating is soup. I love having to turn the heater on in my car. I love my down comforter.

Summer drives me crazy. With all the sunlight and warm weather I feel totally guilty sitting on my couch watching movies. That's what I do, generally speaking - I sit on my couch and watch movies. Having a whole season where I feel guilty doing so, makes for an unhappy me. Also, I run hot so a season which makes me run even hotter is not so much fun.

However! There is much to be said for the cute sandals that summer encourages.

And so it gets back to shopping... and once again, all is right with the world.

Staredown at the OK Corral.

This morning I missed the early bus by about 2 minutes, which meant I got to hang out in my apartment for another 15 minutes and witness this fascinating exchange of stares between Her Majesty and the squirrel who was doing a bang-up job vacuuming the leftover seeds the birds dropped from the hanging birdfeeder:



OK... mostly it was just Her Majesty staring at the squirrel.

I've never seen a cat's neck crane so much as hers did when she refused to budge from her vantage hiding spot, yet she HAD TO SEE what the squirrel could possibly be doing over in the corner of the balcony. Her new nickname? Geoffrey (as in, "the giraffe").

So not Friday five.

Five reasons I'm skipping the Scott Capurro show at the Punchline tonight, even though I've been wanting to see him for a while now and I already bought the ticket, in no particular order:

• Her Maj needs some quality lap time.
• I only paid $17 for the ticket. (Well, $13 plus "convenience" charges.) I can suck up $17. In a weird way I'm actually saving money since there's a 2-drink minimum, and sodas are probably $9.
  
• It's the first night of a 5-night show, meaning he'll be trying things out on tonight's crowd whereas Saturday's show, which I cannot attend, will likely be polished and brilliant.
• I don't want to sit in a crowd of Alice-Morning-Show-lovers.
• I'm a lazy SOB who has no interest in leaving her apartment tonight.
  

Hipsters, unite.

Come align for the big fight to rock for you... It's the Download Festival! Don't forget your hoodies, aviator sunglasses, 70's haircuts, Sid Vicious t-shirts, and of course your nine million packs of cigarettes.

Yeah, I'm SO SURE my lack of breath while running today had nothing to do with all the secondhand smoke I inhaled yesterday. And it wasn't even the GOOD kind of secondhand smoke!! That, I wouldn't mind so much.

Damn I'm getting old.*

Who wants honey? As long as there's some money. Who wants that honey?

________________
* Grumpy-old-lady-bitching aside, it was totally worth my $35 and loss of lung capacity to see The Shins, FINALLY. And also the Yeah Yeah Yeahs who totally rocked. Yeah yeah yeah they did. And Beck, whose puppets re-enacted Snakes on a Plane. On a bus. I love that guy.

Today's lesson.

"Focus on conscious tranquility. No matter how stressful the day is, your intention is to remain centered and calm. Your goal: to learn that you can control your psychic energy."

OK, this is all starting to sound like bullshit. I concur! However... at some point today (I think it was while I was waiting for the bus after totally oversleeping) it occured to me. The fact that I've said things in mucky-muck meetings that have been outright ignored, that other people end up saying the next week or the next month, at which point everyone slaps their foreheads and says "oh my god you are so right!", was suddenly not demoralizing.

Maybe I was planting seeds, maybe that was my purpose. Maybe this is how things just happen in corporate life, and had I not said such things they never would've been said (again), and subsequently acknowledged and incorporated. Suddenly I wasn't so frustrated. And talking to several mucky-mucks and hearing that I WAS making a difference despite my daily beliefs otherwise, suddenly made a difference instead of sounding like token appreciation.

I dunno. I've also been reading this book on past lives, which I don't NOT believe in but don't totally believe in either, and the message throughout has been: your current life is an extension of your entire existence as a soul. The pains you suffer in this life can either linger to your next life, or be resolved in this life - the former of which means I shouldn't get so anxious about everything, the latter of which means you can rest in peace.

There's really something comforting to that.

I once had a psychic reading where she identified my past lives as always living near the sea, always working with my hands (sailmaker, farmer, winemaker), and being male in all but one past life. The one time I was a female I had several very difficult childbirths that ended up tragedies.

Fast forward to today (or this life, if you will): I can't imagine being landlocked; while I do love a good shoe sale I'm not a girlie-girl; and I don't want kids.

You do the math.

Spreadin' the love.

It must be PMS, although I just went through that. OK so maybe I'm just a sap. This made me smile (and get a wee bit weepy) at the humanity of the whole thing.

Backlog.

I have a couple Weeds DVDs, plus a Radiohead show to watch. Not in the mood for either. Netflix must think I died - usually I turn their flicks over in a few days... they sent me these DVDs several weeks ago. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate my queue picking.

Flicks (etc.) that I've sent back to Netflix but have not yet reviewed here:

• Match Point and Da Ali G Show (Season One) - returned without watching. Again, just not in the mood. I get the praise of both, and I'm sure someday I will request them again.
  
• The Broken Hearts Club and Big Eden - Netflix must think I'm a gay man. Anyone who says Zach Braff can only do emo lonely heart club movies, hasn't seen TBHC - where he plays an emo gay lonely heart. Big Eden would appeal to anyone who loved Ed from Northern Exposure, which I did - but if you didn't love Ed, it's probably not worth your time.
  

Coffee talk.

Took a much-needed coffee break with a friend at work today. At some point we were talking about alternate careers, and I commented that several of my friends around our age were also in this weird state of wanting to do something more meaningful, more valuable, with their life than sit in a cubicle all day filling out TPS reports.

The conversation took an interesting turn - was it just our generation who was going through this phase? We couldn't think of many folks from other generations who were going through the same identity crisis. Was it because we were children of the flower power generation, currently (and by choice) living in Peace Love and Happiness, California? Did it have anything to do with the dot com bust, where all those creative souls were left jobless and looking for something more substantial out of life? (Peace Corps applications shot up during that time, for example.) Is it a result of the information age - cable TV and high-speed internet lets us see opportunities we would never have been able to glimpse before?*

My parents certainly didn't go through this phase. But my parents are now both retired. Could that be it? I see how happy and carefree they are, and I'm jealous?

Whatever the reason, I've started a mental list of careers I'd like to pursue. None involve pointy-headed bosses, mindless conference calls or powerpoint presentations. Interested parties should inquire within. Let's open up a restaurant in Santa Fe.

________________
* A conversation with another friend later in the day led to discussion about this show. Yeah, I do acknowledge that I could have it a whole lot worse.

I couldn't agree more.

The headliners for the 20th Annual Bridge School Benefit Concerts were just announced! They include Neil Young, Pearl Jam, Dave Matthews Band, Brian Wilson, Foo Fighters, Nine Inch Nails' Trent Reznor, Death Cab For Cutie, Gillian Welch and Devendra Banhart, plus a few surprise guests. What, no CSNY? And Trent Reznor acoustic? Really? That's so going to rock! - SF Gate culture blog, emphasis added

This has truly been the year of great shows! How nice to get back to my old habits and stomping grounds.

Nothing here is real, nothing here is right.

How I spend almost every weekend night:

• Friday night I usually go to the gym, watch a movie and relish in the fact that I don't have to go to work the next day.
• Saturday night I usually watch a movie, eat comfort food and relish in the fact that I don't have to go to work the next day.
• Sunday night I usually open a bottle of wine and resent the fact that I have to go to work the next day.

I wake up Monday morning grumpy and tired, and thus begins my work week.

Good weekend days are spent with friends, or attempting to run long distances again (unsuccessful to date!), or shopping, or cooking new interesting recipes/watching hours of Food Network (today I saw an interesting Moroccan spice mix which I tried with tofu, and it was great). Bad weekend days are spent doing monotonous chores.

Overall, this is not a life.

However, I'm not entirely sure any of the nine million jobs I've applied for would make me any happier. I really don't know what would make me happy, and this is incredibly frustrating. I thought again this weekend about moving back to Maryland, but realized that would be a temporary distraction from what's making me unhappy... whatever culmination of situations and circumstances that might be making me unhappy.

The friend I was helping with window installations ... he lives in a little suburb where everyone knows everyone, they have block parties, their kids all play together ... and the burly men in the neighborhood are happy to help lift a couple heavy windows for an hour on a Saturday.
I live in an apartment complex where I know 3 of my 18 sets of neighbors. I have no sense of community. I spend my free time holed up in my apartment, actively avoiding people because of those random few who totally piss me off and make me question humanity as a whole. As a result, I'm fairly socially inept around people who don't know me very well.

I keep hoping these damn cards will say something about this. Tomorrow I'm supposed to "take steps to get healthy" ... maybe that will bring some enlightenment. Or at least incite me to quit my job. Wouldn't that be nice.

I was always brave and kind of righteous, now I find I'm wavering... OK, that does it. I'm gonna go watch the actual musical now.

[This rambling post brought to you by Screw Kappa Napa, now on sale at your local Trader Joe's.]

Wait 'til I tell the guys in marketing.

I had a great day. Great. I slept in a little, then helped a friend install windows all day. (So now I know how to do that, for those of you considering such an undertaking.) We made lots of progress as compared to last weekend, and we saved him lots of money.

On the way home I was on the freeway trying to get over to the exit so I could take the road that runs by the marina instead of the freeway. I came THIS CLOSE... THIS CLOSE to hitting some dude's Audi. I don't think I've ever had such a close call. It would've been a rather expensive end to my cost-saving day.

At that moment it occurred to me that one second could make an enormous difference in a day.

I don't really have a point to this story. But I did freak out a bit tonight when I saw one of those VW ads depicting head-on collisions.

"Mom's done busted her knee cap."

That was the subject of an email I got from the folks today. An investigative phone call revealed that my mom fell off a step on Tuesday and fractured her kneecap in three places. She's hobbling around alright, it seems, but there might be an impending surgery... She has osteoporosis so they are worried that the fracture might separate. Surgery or not, she's been informed not to bend her knee for 6 weeks.

The doctor made a point of telling her that if she'd done this 30 years ago she would've bounced up off the pavement and gone about her day.

Was that really necessary? If I'd been in the room with that doctor, I would've punched him square in the nose.

It's days like this when I really want to move back home.

I forget what 8 was for.

Are you ready, boys and girls? Here is the key to the game... you know the game, write down 5 names and 2 numbers and 4 songs and SOMETHING MAGICAL will happen:

NUMBER 1 IS YOUR LUCKY NUMBER. THE NUMBER of PEOPLE YOU MUST TELL ABOUT THIS GAME is found in SPACE 2. THE PERSON IN SPACE 3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE. YOU CARE MOST about the PERSON you put in SPACE 4. THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL. THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN 6 IS THE YOUR LUCKY STAR. THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK is in SPACE 7. THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE PERSON IN NUMBER 3. THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE PERSON IN 7. THE 10TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT YOUR MIND. AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT LIFE.

My #10 was "Kiss Off" and #11 was "Red Right Ankle."

I wish my cousin would stop sending me this shit.

Roadkill optional.

Today I ran across this job posting, and after reading the description I just couldn't help but apply. I'm pretty sure that 99.9% of it involves scraping up dead furry things from highways, but that remaining 0.1% of arresting bastards who torture animals would be pretty cool. The least I should do is verify the actual percentage split by procuring an interview.

Oh, and also? "Must maintain firearms proficiency." Think it's time for another lesson!

We're not gonna take it anymore.

It is for charity!! Yay. Now I feel much better voting for Hal. You should too... He rocked out last week.

One of these things just doesn't belong.

Today I took the long walk home, and observed a man honking his horn incessantly and swearing louder and more often than Samuel Jackson on a plane with snakes.

He was driving one of those new VW bugs and had put plastic sunflowers across the back window.

People are FUCKED UP.

I am aware that no one cares what I had for lunch ...

... but I'm not in the mood to go here right now. So I will steal from someone else instead. Someone whose list contains books I've read and also books I've never heard of. The latter of which means she is much smarter than me. I do not promise such a list.

1. One book that changed your life: The River Why, read first year of college. Offers an intriguing concept behind reincarnation and the afterlife that I still ponder to this day.

2. One book you have read more than once: most books still on my bookshelf - I give the one-time reads away. Probably most read over the shortest duration of time was A Prayer for Owen Meany. Read during the David phase. Best thing I got out of that relationship.

3. One book you would want on a desert island: A blank journal, so I could keep track of the days, chronicle my adventures and leave tips for the next desert island dweller.

4. One book that made you laugh: Another Roadside Attraction, read about 6 years ago. Parts of this book also fall under #1.

5. One book that made you cry: The Outsiders. Not when Johnny dies, but when the brothers have it out at the end.

6. One book you wish had been written: What Jen(n) Should Do With Her Life, for Dummies.

7. One book you wish had never been written: anything by Bill O'Reilly or Ann Coulter.

8. One book you are currently reading: The Brothers K when I have energy to read at night, and Lizard Music when I don't.

9. One book you have been meaning to read: the Bible. (Seriously.)

So, what's on your nightstand?

You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.

Two days in a product management class and all I take away is that we live in a disposable, capitalist society where nothing is ever good enough for people. Midway through today I realized that I'm Lloyd Dobler:

I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed.

There's got to be some (decently paying) job out there that would let me work with animals without having to know chemistry. Now accepting ideas...

And you've had some crazy conversations of your own.

Best line overheard at the BBQ today: "I'm gonna go put some pants on." Second best line overheard [paraphrased because at that point in the day, my memory couldn't be counted on for much]: "Yeah, they weren't so big on drinking blood." (Who is "they"? Who cares. It was funny.)

Good times, good times. Off to lay down and pray that my stomach doesn't explode from all the cheese.

Mmmmm... cheese.

You know, kinda like an Oreo cookie.

Sandwiched between a 10-year old boy telling me I looked like a man this morning, and someone making an inappropriate (but, touche, accurate) remark about my skill set to his peers while we were all on a conference call this afternoon, the middle of my day was AWESOME.

Seriously.

I had a few good chats with a few coworkers. I ate a healthy *and* cheap salad for lunch. I finished something I'd been unable to complete all week. And I was offered an "out" for The Project From Hell by someone who can probably make the "out" happen.

The "out" offering was truly the sugary creamy filling of my day. I practically skipped to the cafeteria to get lunch. Even if it doesn't come through and I get stuck doing TPFH, just knowing that a version like that exists... That has to be worth something.

... and gosh darn it, people like me.

Tomorrow's card (I read ahead so as to give myself the full day to accommodate the suggestion): examine unfinished business and do one thing to bring it to closure. I only have one piece of unfinished business that's really getting to me at the moment - and the one thing that would bring it to closure would be me quitting my job.

OKAY! Now we're talking!!

Today's card asked that I determine whether I'm generally positive or negative. That's all - just recognize which category I fall into. I didn't have to spend too much time on that one.

Yesterday I was supposed to identify something that would make me more empowered and take action on it, so I took charge of a painful meeting, and got a head-nod from a mucky-muck as an acknowledgement. That was kinda cool.

I'm starting to think that there's something to this daily affirmation shit. After all, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough... Or maybe it's all a hokey, cheeseball distraction. Whatthefuckever, man. It's working.

Not even close to Friday five.

Five painfully close-to-home, but somehow also funny, work-related items:

1. the adventures of Action Item
2. employee morale in Dilbertland
   
3. life in the cube
4. Jim's career
   
5. ... OK, this one isn't work-related but the first section of it made me laugh - IT'S NOT JUST ME!
   

Celebrity sighting.

It's no photo op with John Linnell or Ray Davies or Bono, but yesterday on the walk home I saw Mayor Brown running around the lake. He got ahead of me by about 20 feet before I realized who he was.

Not that I would've said anything to him. I'm not really a fan.

But still. It's way more exciting than this!

Hello lamp post, whatcha knowin'?

I now possess these cards called "Wisdom for Healing Cards." When I first got them they seemed incredibly hokey, and the seminar with which they were associated was a bit of a debacle,* so I hadn't really thought much about them since. Out of curiosity Saturday while I was cleaning, I finally opened the box. The very first card suggested I do something I'd been putting off for a while. It stated that by recognizing and resolving one small thing I've been postponing, I could ignite powerful change over time.

Hmm. I'd been putting off cleaning for a LONG while, how coincidental that I would turn this particular card the day I decided to clean.

So the next day I flipped to the next card: pay attention to your body and respond to one stress fully and consciously. I hadn't slept much at all Saturday night, so I resisted a drink (or three) at lunch with some friends who were all having a few. It's not normal for me to resist a drink when everyone else is imbibing, and I consciously did so. I thought that was an interesting step. Then after lunch and afternoon activities I took a long walk and ended up sleeping like a baby Sunday night.

Today's card had a bit of a religious slant but the message essentially was: slow down and observe everything as though it was speaking to me. Mondays of late have been absolute hell-holes. But today I hit the snooze a few extra times, I read a magazine at lunch instead of working through lunch, I stared out the window several times and wondered if the cars on the highway were headed somewhere fun, and I walked the long way home after the gym this evening. I even walked through the neighborhood dog park - slightly out of my way but the romping dogs always make me smile.

I'm not sure how long this card-following thing will last, and surely it will be interspersed with lots of "insecure storytime" (lord knows I could fill a book) but for now... Doot-in' doo-doo, feelin' groovy.

________________
* YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Haha.

I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy.

This week's Onion horoscope is: "A tall, dark stranger will leave you embarrassed this week after claiming to be a tall, dark acquaintance of yours from college."

Somewhat coincidentally, I googled an old crush from high school the other day. I met him in the early stages of my emo phase, during which time I was a total mess and he was a total mess. So naturally I fell in love with him. Like all my crushes in high school, he knew I adored him and fed me carrots every so often to keep me doing so (in his case, artsy love poems that weren't about me - I pretended they were, he knew this but never corrected me... bastard).

But all of that is an insecure story for another day. As I said, we were both total messes at the time so when I found his name online, I fully expected him to be a heroin addict, or a tattoo artist (he did his own body art and was quite talented), or both. Or in a band, addicted to heroin and fully tattooed. (I don't know where I got the heroin addict part from, it just seemed like a road he was likely to go down.)

Turns out he's happily married, he's been a "big brother" for almost 10 years and he's very active in his church. Who knew! Not sure why I'm surprised though. Ten years ago I wasn't so sure I wanted to live to see 30, and I passed that mark 18 months ago. With flying colors.

I wonder if he ever thinks about me. It's so funny how certain people can mean the world to you and stay in your memory forever, when they've probably long since forgotten about you.

I wonder if seeing a community theater musical will always remind me of high school, painting sets and wearing black turtlenecks, and the beginning of those messy years of my life.

Probably.

Fun AND educational!

In addition to the fact that it's just an awfully brilliant, or brilliantly awful, movie, Snakes on a Plane taught me something last night: there are airplanes in the world that have upper levels. Stairs that go up to another level, presumably a level that I would never, ever, ever be able to afford.

Stairs... on a motherfucking plane. Who knew?? That's more exciting than the snakes!!

What if we're still doing this when we're 50?

I made an executive decision today, one that's long overdue. No, I didn't quit Paid Job. (Yet.)

Instead, I recommended a change in Unpaid Job's structure that hasn't been working for quite a while. It was an out-of-the-blue recommendation to everyone else, and it was a last-minute request, and I'm no longer in charge so I wasn't sure how it would go over. But everyone heard me out and agreed with my recommendation, and then later they gave me recognition. This was on the same day someone else at Unpaid Job sent a crazy last-minute request and all the other Unpaid Employees banded together via email to accommodate the request.

THIS is how Paid Job should be. No finger-pointing, no trash-talking, no pettiness. Just people who like each other, working toward the same goal, coming together in times of need.

The punchline is, I got a raise at Paid Job today. A.K.A. "HOW THEY GET YA."

Concept vs. actuality.

I like this idea in concept. The cards are kid-drawn so, therefore, uber cute and patriotic. It seems that I can enter a personalized message that isn't smarmy and YAY AMERICA! which is kinda cool. But would a soldier overseas really want to get a uber cute card with the message, "Sorry our president is an ass and sorry you're still stuck over there with no end in sight and yeah it's been almost 3 years and there's no clear goal to this... but we appreciate all that you're doing"?

That's life.

You spend 20 years of your life wrasslin' crocodiles and teasing poisonous venomous snakes, and then one day you're stung by a usually-harmless ray who probably didn't mean to do it, and who probably feels really bad about it.

Kinda makes this whole life thing seem pointless, in a way.

I finally got around to buying a hanging birdfeeder so that the merry squirrels couldn't keep eating all the birdseed. As a result, I spent a good portion of this weekend watching the birds flit and flutter about the birdfeeder. The pigeons haven't found it yet, just the cute little sparrows and other tiny frail winged things. I also spent a lot of time wondering what was going on in their brains. Not the most fruitful use of one's 3-day weekend, but it sure was relaxing.

When I wasn't doing that, or walking/running nine million miles or actively not shopping in an effort to save money, I was watching TV. Several times I saw a new car commercial which has the woman getting up and doing her daily routine over and over, and then she happens upon this brand new fancy car and it's all HOLY LIGHT and HALLELUJAH and THE EARTH STANDS STILL.

I'm getting tired of waiting for my car.

That's life. And so I will make oatmeal cookies for my team meeting tomorrow, and I will consume my weekly ration of pizza and wine, and I will watch Nip/Tuck, and I will go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat.

This is not Chappelle's Show.

But his Block Party is well worth your 1 hour 51 minutes... even if you have no interest in hip-hop or the Chappelle Show.

Oh, and I want to marry Mos Def. Probably not bloody likely. Just putting it out there in the interest of full disclosure.

Seriously, *I'M* not their target demographic?

Trader Joe's did me wrong today. I went out of my way to shop there, with three specific items in mind (plus the usual cheap wine and milk and yogurt and all that stuff).

Did they have low fat Irish cheddar cheese? No. Mini zucchinis in a bag? Uh-uh. Soy mayonnaise? Nope. In fact, it's been discontinued.

HOW CAN TRADER JOE'S DISCONTINUE SOY MAYONNAISE?? That's just wrong.

So I went next door and wandered aimlessly around the GINORMOUS Safeway looking for soy mayonnaise. No luck there either, which didn't surprise me. But can I just say... Holy hell, that's a big Safeway.

"You have a freak flag. You just don't fly it."

Don't be fooled by the trailer... The Family Stone is actually a very good movie.

My heart hurts.

Oh, Hal. It's like a car wreck. But how can I NOT watch??

[Editor's note: This f'ing thing is TWO HOURS LONG??? Holy hell. Oh and despite the pain of the other "performers," Hal did remarkably well given that I only know of his love of KISS.

If only it was actually for charity. Or maybe if Michael Bolton or Randy Travis wasn't involved.]

A case of the Tuesdays.

Next time I decide to take a sick day, remind me not to do it on the anniversary of a major natural disaster and subsequent national debacle. Sooooo not helping the mood.

Right Said Nnej.

Usually I don't consider buying a magazine based solely on a cover caption. But today at the grocery store I resisted the urge to buy this. It was hard, but I resisted.

So sexy it hurts!

"Good evening, godless sodomites."

As he so blatantly pointed out during an award intro with Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert lost to BARRY MANILOW. That was the only time I laughed out loud during the show. There's still 47 minutes to go, but I'm pretty confident that my statement will hold out. (And still I watch. Every fucking awards show, I watch. MTV Video awards this Thursday! Have I seen a music video in the last 12 months? Nope! Will I watch? Hell yeah!)

Not coindendentally, all the Arrested Development (read: genius) actors lost. To? WHO THE HELL CARES? has-beens. Or who-the-hell-are-they? shows.

The Emmys are sooooo last year... Even Her Majesty agrees.

Musicpalooza.

There's now a DVD that recounts some of the more famous performances in the history of Coachella. Since I am officially proclaiming myself "too old" to attend a festival like that (3 days sleeping in a tent then standing and sweating in the dirt amongst thousands of young hippie types all day), I got to live vicariously for an hour and a half. Three observations:

1. Must download everything by this band.
2. These guys might be surprisingly good live.
3. (Found while poking around after seeing a brilliant performance on this DVD) So this is why they're so hard to see live.
   

Otherwise, unless you want to see the Pixies reunited, or Morrisey being... well, Morrisey, or you're curious about The Polyphonic Spree, I recommend skipping the DVD and attending the show instead.

I also finally got around to renting this, which chronicles the work of Spike Jonze's musical adventures. Three revelations:

1. Spike went backward before going backward was cool.
   
2. Chris Walken can dance! But you probably already knew that.
   
3. Oh, HE'S the one that did that genius Fatboy Slim video. I'd forgotten all about that.
   

There's also a fascinating documentary about rodeo boys in Amarillo, which I found much more succinct and engaging than this documentary about country boys.

(Oh and also, I still. Still. STILL. love Adam Horovitz.)

Arrrr.

That does it. I'm moving to Portland.

"Everybody just pretend to be normal, okay?"

You know, about 10 minutes after it starts, how it's going to end. It's the in-between that is worth the price of admission.

Gasp and swoon, an actual Friday five.

Five things that made me tired this week, in no particular order:

• squirrels on my balcony, irritating my cat and eating the birdseed (at least they were merry)
• hearing "this powerpoint is great, but it doesn't tell a story" ... OK, I'll get on that, right after nap time - what are we, in kindergarten, for Christ's sake??
• the third phone interview for the third job I have not actually applied for, where people are eager to hire me to do the same job I'm doing now (a.k.a. the job I am least interested in doing), for the same money, plus a longer commute
• drama drama drama drama drama
  
• staying up too late and getting up too early... not funny - but true
  

Probably shouldn't post this on ye ole dubya dubya dubya...

(But when has that ever stopped me before?)

I went in search of specific photos tonight. I have so many of them, I just know I do. Sadly, it seems that I left all my bershon photos in Maryland. Here in my California apartment, I do have lots of photos of me + alcohol! Go figure.

But in the true spirit of bershon, I bring you the shark gingerbread house. Created by me and another clearly-single person, upon completion it sat in a coworker's office until I noticed bugs crawling on it about a year later. Note the attention to detail! The gummy heads on stakes! The food coloring running down the fangs at the front door! What bitter creativity! Low sodium! No calories!

Weekend box-office summary: IT WAS NUMBER ONE, BABY!!

Email from a friend:

> Subject: Snakes on a Plane Soundtrack
>
> This is the first time I've looked at an album on iTunes and seen the
> little "Explicit" label on EVERY SINGLE SONG.

My reply:

> That's because it's SNAKES... ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!!!

I can't wait to see this movie.

I like to watch.

Last week I did an exercise in which I had to state where I fell on the "relationship/task" continuum. You'll be shocked to learn that I was practically falling off the edge of "relationship."

Later that day I did another exercise in which I had to state what drains me, what re-energizes me, and something else. I thought the answer I gave to "what re-energizes me" was pretty lame at the time - I said I liked being alone and watching lots of TV. Lame ... but true. I also like to hike and write and be artsy and do charitable work, but under the pressure to answer the question those replies didn't occur to me. (Or maybe I was just thinking about what I'd rather be doing at the moment the question was posed.)

Today I was thinking about my answer, and I decided it's actually not lame. I was a sociology major in college - I was taught to observe. With TV, with most media actually, I don't care much about the plot. I just enjoy observing how people interact with each other. It's fairly easy to skip past the Hollywood spin of "how people are supposed to act" and find the real world of "how people do act."

And the best part is that I don't have to be personally involved with any of them.

Keys left hanging in a swinging door.

This is the third month in a row I've forgotten to pay a bill. It's been a different bill every time, but this month I got dinged because it was a credit card bill.

Considering my wall calendar is still on July, and my America: the Calendar daily calendar hasn't progressed past August 1, I'm doubting one of these on my desk at home would do me any good. If I keep forgetting to pay my credit card bill, I won't be able to afford it anyway...

________________
Really now. $88? Who actually buys those things??