Nothing here is real, nothing here is right.

How I spend almost every weekend night:

• Friday night I usually go to the gym, watch a movie and relish in the fact that I don't have to go to work the next day.
• Saturday night I usually watch a movie, eat comfort food and relish in the fact that I don't have to go to work the next day.
• Sunday night I usually open a bottle of wine and resent the fact that I have to go to work the next day.

I wake up Monday morning grumpy and tired, and thus begins my work week.

Good weekend days are spent with friends, or attempting to run long distances again (unsuccessful to date!), or shopping, or cooking new interesting recipes/watching hours of Food Network (today I saw an interesting Moroccan spice mix which I tried with tofu, and it was great). Bad weekend days are spent doing monotonous chores.

Overall, this is not a life.

However, I'm not entirely sure any of the nine million jobs I've applied for would make me any happier. I really don't know what would make me happy, and this is incredibly frustrating. I thought again this weekend about moving back to Maryland, but realized that would be a temporary distraction from what's making me unhappy... whatever culmination of situations and circumstances that might be making me unhappy.

The friend I was helping with window installations ... he lives in a little suburb where everyone knows everyone, they have block parties, their kids all play together ... and the burly men in the neighborhood are happy to help lift a couple heavy windows for an hour on a Saturday.
I live in an apartment complex where I know 3 of my 18 sets of neighbors. I have no sense of community. I spend my free time holed up in my apartment, actively avoiding people because of those random few who totally piss me off and make me question humanity as a whole. As a result, I'm fairly socially inept around people who don't know me very well.

I keep hoping these damn cards will say something about this. Tomorrow I'm supposed to "take steps to get healthy" ... maybe that will bring some enlightenment. Or at least incite me to quit my job. Wouldn't that be nice.

I was always brave and kind of righteous, now I find I'm wavering... OK, that does it. I'm gonna go watch the actual musical now.

[This rambling post brought to you by Screw Kappa Napa, now on sale at your local Trader Joe's.]