And now for something completely different.

(Well. Not really.)

After yesterday's scathing post*, I bring you this. I HATE APPLE. They don't sell their completely functional headphones that come with the iPod you buy. Instead, to purchase an Apple-supported piece of equipment, you have to buy an expensive crappy replacement pair that has these squishy earplugs that don't stay in your ears when you are running.

And ALSO! Why, after numerous restarts and reinstalls, does my iPod just skip past all the albums I've recent purchased, which play just fine from iTunes? Why, I ask you? Their support instructions: re-import the songs. Well, why should I have to when I bought the freaking albums from YOU?? And I haven't yet burned them to backup disks because I just bought them?? From YOU??

OK, I don't really HATE Apple. I couldn't live without my iPod. And I reserve pure unadultered hatred for government officials. I'm just annoyed.

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* It wasn't really scathing, I guess, and it was mostly a self-absorbed rant toward the blood relative I am about to spend 4 days straight with who does not read this blog... But yeah, there is some overall truth to it too. And truth comes out with alcohol, in case you didn't know. But it was also a bit self-righteous - I was one of those people playing the victim and then I got over it. I'm sure I will be playing the victim again in the near future. Anyway... Gotta quit turning on the computer after a few glasses of wine.

On life, and some junk.

I've been thinking more and more about what I want to do with my life. I don't want to be a VP. I don't want to climb ye olde corporate ladder, despite everyone's best efforts to get me to do so. I hate the politics, I hate the bureaucracy, and I do think that it's all the same no matter where you go. So for now I am content to lead small teams on small efforts in corporate America, while I build up my savings so that I can travel and buy a house. And then I want to do something totally altruistic to earn my keep on this planet. Or something random but tangible - carpentry, veterinarian, something along those lines. The older I get, the more people I meet who share the same values - and I am so appreciative of that validation.

Recently I've been really impatient with people who "play the victim." Bitch about your job all you want - hell, we've all been there. But corporate America doesn't care about you - they only care about the bottom line. If you really want me to pay attention (and, frankly, give a rat's ass), show me that you are doing something to better yourself. Don't just pretend that they're all out to get you. Don't just sit idly by and let it happen. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. In my world, you only get one life...

And some junk: I end this with a chant I learned a long time ago from the Animaniacs, one which I actually repeat to myself when I get overwhelmed with all this corporate bullshit:

"Ooooooom... and some junk."

Try it. It's quite therapeutic.

Exception numero uno.

A major exception to this rule is that this marathon training is kicking my ass. I was fine all week after 8 miles, and the day after 10 miles I felt okay - but I think I didn't rest properly, or eat properly, or something. All week I was totally dragging, and right around 2pm every day I needed a nap SOOOO BAD. Yes, Starbucks made a lot of money off me this week. Bah.

And then I'd get home and eat dinner, and sit down on the couch, and wake up at 2am. Every single day.

I've determined that my diet needs an overhaul. According to the trainers, my daily intake needs to be 60% carbs (YAY!), 15-20% protein, and 20-25% fat. And I need to eat throughout the day instead of three square that I've been doing for the past year.

I'll start tonight (after 9000 sugar calories at the bridal shower) with a small portion of spaghetti and fake meatballs (and of course garlic bread). And we'll see how it goes. There is only so much protein a vegetarian can eat in one day... but we are ALL ABOUT the carbs.

Making up for lost time.

I didn't have too many tea parties when I was a little girl. I made a few mud pies in my day, but otherwise I was too busy playing with my brother's Tonka trucks in the backyard.

I've been to two "high tea" parties for bridal showers recently. I have to say, if I ever get married that's how I want my bridal shower to be. No loud music, no uncomfortable situations with barely-clad gyrating men half my age, no screaming women or flashy lights or hats. Absolutely no hats.

I do insist on having a side of bourbon with my tea, though.

I just can't get enough.

Have I said this already? Nine thousand times? I want to marry one or both of these guys. Maybe not at the same time, but subsequently, sure. And then wedding #3 will be reserved for a sugar daddy.

Excerpt for those too lazy to click the link:

"So, Scientology, you have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for Earth has just begun. Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!"

If you don't get the punchline, you need to start visiting some of the links to your left.

Last night, among other things, I dreamt that I was dating Ryan Reynolds. Not hot-as-hell "Blade: Trinity" Ryan Reynolds (not that I saw it but so I hear, he was quite cut), but good old "Two Guys, A Girl And A Pizza Place" Ryan Reynolds. And I was fine with that.

Isn't it ironic?

Note to self.

Credit is not "free money." You do have to pay it back sometime.

I am having a hard time with the transition from debit cards to credit cards.* I'm so used to using "real money" to buy things - I haven't used credit cards regularly since I was a poor college kid. It's not that I'm not paying off the credit cards monthly... It's more that I don't pay as much attention to what I'm spending when I use credit. So every month it gets more and more painful to pay off the card.

It doesn't help that Ann Taylor is my new favorite store (mainly because I can buy a pair of pants without having to try them on - that's a beautiful thing). And it doesn't help that I did need some new clothes because old things weren't fitting or were falling apart. And it doesn't help that I've been in a bit of a funk these past few weeks, and you know that it's going to be alright when we go shopping.

And also, by using credit, you don't have to say the word "debit," which has got to be the most nonsensical, annoying word I have ever repeatedly uttered over the course of one day.

It's always lalalalala...

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* Have you made this transition yet? If not you should ASAP - recently my friend's ATM/debit card was compromised and she lost almost everything from her checking account... Unrecoverable, of course. I changed my ways immediately. (Never shoulda started but that's another story altogether...)

Don't let me down, boys.

Dude. You're just feeding their fire. Or ire. Don't you know that?? I can't wait for next week's episode.

And also... Get the fuck over it. Your film wasn't better than Crash. Oh wait, I mean yeah, everyday racism is sooooo "out of touch." This has most likely cemented your doom in Hollywood, dumbass.

Oh and also... DEAR GOD NO.

On the most sensational inspirational celebrational...

I was so thrilled to see that Netflix is offering old Muppet Show episodes for rent. I mean, I love... really, truly LOVE... the Muppet Movie, but I was very, very young when the Muppet Show was on TV. I have vague recollections of Elton John and the Captain & Tenille on the show. But I don't recall these three episodes:

Peter Sellers just being Peter Sellers.
John Cleese being a pirate invading Pigs In Space!
Dudley Moore and Animal going head to head.

I love Animal. And poor Gonzo. Poor, poor Gonzo.

When I was young, it was just a funny show. Watching these three episodes as a now "thirty-something"* I appreciate how that show set the bar for adult humor hidden amongst cuddly puppets (or cartoons, e.g. the Simpsons).

________________
* Yes it PAINS me to use that phrase. But it's true.

The true miracle.

It's not that I ran 10 miles today. It's not that I don't really hurt, anywhere.

It's that I am still awake at 8:20pm.

Three things I bet you didn't know.

3. They are making a movie based on Welcome Back Kotter.
2. Natalie Portman used to rap.
1. Rosanna Arquette was the inspiration behind In Your Eyes.

A moment of denial.

I was just filling out a form online, and had to select my age. I am now in the "31-40" age bracket.

ACK.

The most expensive poker game I will ever play.

A question for you, dear reader.

Does a parking violation for "stopping in a bus zone," when there are barely any cars around (let alone buses), in the crack-whore area of town where sherriff resources could be much better utilized, really warrant a $250 ticket?

Yes, I will contest the goddamned ticket. But I will lose. And I will pay. And never again will I offer to drive anyone back to BART after walking away from the game disappointed at losing a lousy $10.

Dishing, etc.

You go, boys. (Damn I need to start taping that show... "Trapped in the Closet" - HAHA.)*

Well, DUH.

"Perhaps that's not such a good proverb to use in this case, since fishing is actually instinctual in cats."

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* A reference to this - which is also HIGH-larious.

Procrastinating my daily goals.

From my aunt... probably originally from Stephen Wright or someone along those lines:

• What disease did cured ham actually have?
  
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?*
• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
• If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

And my favorite:

• How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Hell with goals. I'm going shopping.

________________
* That one is for you two. You know who you are. :)

Today's goals.

1. Figure out why the Shins and other various music won't play on my iPod... It just skips past them. Piece of crap.

2. Figure out how to get albums to show in this template... (Yeah I'm totally plagiarizing you, Connie. If I can't figure it out I'll be bugging you for technical support.)

3. Convince Her Majesty that just because we sat on our asses ALL DAY yesterday, that cannot be an everyday occurrence. Sad but true.

4. Stay awake and watch Grey's Anatomy. Or at least remember to tape it.

That's enough for one day.

No, I'M the real Slim Shady.

Eight miles today. No major aches or pains to speak of (which still concerns me but I'm going with it).

I'm finding that my weekly long-run pattern is... First three miles SUCK. Next few miles are totally fine, I'm in the zone. Last mile I get tired but push on. Let's hope I can keep this up as the miles get longer and longer...

So what did YOU do before 10am today? :)

No longer will Jack Black taunt me.

After much ado, I have seen Evil Dead II. YET.

Groovy.

Two down, one to go.

Because there's no other great way to start a Saturday than with a refreshing story about teenage heroin addicts... I finally got around to watching The Basketball Diaries. Judging from all the times they pointed me toward it, I think Netflix was going to send it me regardless of whether I ever put it in my queue or not. Anyway, I thought it was as good as "they" said it was and I'm glad to have seen it, although I did think that there were times when Leo acted more like Arnie than a strung out heroin addict.

And then far less depressing, but still somewhat heartfelt, was Raising Victor Vargas. I put off seeing this because I thought it was about a kid trying to be a player. It's not... for the most part.* I liked it.

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* Oh and "longislandlloyd" - it's also not a freakin' "family movie." It's about a family. There's a big difference. Go back to your Must Love Dogs crap.

It's the worst word that you can say...

... but FUCK YEAH.

Happy Friday, everyone. And shit.

How can I explain it, I'll take you frame by frame it.

Today at work someone sent out an email which contained an abbreviation for something, the abbreviation for which was OPP.

And so for the rest of the day all I could do was sing the chorus of this song.

(I do not recommend reading the full lyrics of the song.)

Paula's next hit.

Someone was watching "Animals Exposed to Nuclear Reactions" (or something) on Animal Planet at the gym tonight. I guess it's due to my odd affinity for reptiles, but I find this poor little thing so darned cute. It's definitely cuter than this close relative, anyway.

I take that back. I apologize to all the lovely snakes of the world for lumping Dumb and Dumber in their species category.

Office space...

... indeed.

Miscommunication possible.

This afternoon I asked a friend at work about a new assignment he'd been given by saying, "So how's mission impossible going?" He started in about the dust and dirt, and all the crawling around and gadgetry involved, and all the nasty little critters he was running into...

A few minutes into his description, I realized he was talking about a home improvement project under the crawlspace of his house that we'd been discussing last week, rather than his new work assignment. Up until then I was trying to mesh his imagery with what I understand of his new assignment (and it was working). And at the moment of realization I laughed out loud.

It amused me so much that I didn't let him in on the joke. Thankfully, he doesn't know about this here blog. (Shhhhh.)

This is coincidentally the same person who randomly asked me how training was going, meaning marathon, and I interpreted it as work-related and replied that we were just about finished with the presentation and were all set to go the next day. "You're running the marathon already??" Um, no.

We either need to talk more often, or not at all, I think.

You know you cant drink she said to him coldly.

Today's spam subject brought to you by Ernest Hemingway.

Dishing.

OMG you're YANNI for the love of Pete!! ... Thank God ... Uh, I actually thought it was Farrell too, sorry ... Well, duh ... I saw that Inside the Actor's Studio, you go, Dave ... I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

Life imitates art.

You know that commercial where the guy gets the total runaround on the phone trying to get to customer service? I won't name the company, but you know the ad.

I lived that this morning. It was unreal. Twenty minutes, five transfers, one "accidental" disconnection, five people telling me exactly the opposite of what I just heard from the person before them, and in the end I still didn't get what I needed (the approval that was supposed to have happened last Thursday, according to the first person I spoke with).

Fortunately, I didn't set anything on fire or have to announce to a busload of people that my uber-secret password was "KELLYCLARKSON!!!" Whew.

Happiness is a quiet blog.

I have come to the conclusion that the happier I am, the less I blog. I am really not sure what the correlation is. I'm sure for some, it's the opposite. But I just wanted to mention it because I know I've been "slacking" on the writing lately. Just know that the less you see, the happier I am.

(Except for tonight because I just have a lot to say. And except for any other exceptions to the rule.)

Tonight's happiness attributed in part to a genius idea from Scott Adams.

Public service announcement(s).

2000 Flushes Blue Plus Detergents actually clogs your toilet. The white ones are fine. Blue = BAD. [Ed. note: in case you don't believe me. AKA, how I spent my Tuesday evening.]

Related (sorta), it is probably not a good idea to flirt with your building repair man whose girlfriend just moved out, even if he is really nice and cute and your age and conveniently located.

Related, it is a good idea to flirt with the male bank teller when asking for multiple rolls of quarters. It ensures that you won't get a nasty look when you ask for quarters even though he WORKS IN A FREAKIN' BANK already ISN'T THAT YOUR JOB TO HAND OUT MONEY already sheesh.

And in plagiarized summary of the Oscars...

"You clearly didn't see enough movies this year.

"Please, see more movies. In theaters, on the big screen, at full non-matinee price with 20 minutes of paid advertisements. And purchase the advertised products. Let Coca-Cola validate your generation's music, then join the few the proud the Marines like this nifty CGI robot warrior.

"THAT'S the way to see a movie, you crazy kids with Wi-Fi and your bit-torrents and your baggy pants and your indoor ski caps."

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Oh and also, Jon... get some rest. You had a rough night.

"COME ON!"

I have watched the last 2 hrs of Arrested Development, Season 3 at least five times. Yeah, that's right - ten hours of my life (minus fast forwarding through commercials). What of it??

My friend was kind enough to tape it from TiVo for me* but I think she wants it back sometime. She's had my Donnie Darko DVD for at least a year. I figure Season 3 will come out on DVD within the year, at which point I can watch it every day if I want, so by my measure another 4 weeks and 9000 viewings makes us about equal.

I kid you not, though, every time I watch it I see something new. This is just too clever for someone not to resurrect.

Oh and also? Jason Bateman? HOT.

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* I gotta get me some of that TiVo. Maybe then I won't miss Gray's Anatomy (a.k.a the only reason I can now stand Sandra Oh) every freakin' week.

Cast your votes...

I have succumbed to defectiveyeti's Oscar Pool this year. Evenings these days, I'm in "park ye olde brain" mode and if you are too, you can cast your votes...

[Personally, I am banking on Joaquin Phoenix, Brokeback Mountain and all that is associated with it, and Murderball (although it might be beat out by March of the Penguins which I would support). Probably Crash will win something, and maybe King Kong but I doubt it.

I am sad that I haven't seen A History of Violence, Syriana, Good Night and Good Luck, Capote, Transamerica, and Munich but I need to reserve those rentals for when I am SO VERY DEPRESSED and need a little pick-me-up ("hey, at least I'm not X...").

And I will probably watch the rest of the nominees eventually but for now, hey - I've seen six of them. I have this fear of being the person who MUST SEE EVERY SINGLE MOVIE before the Oscars even though their own opinion is really meaningless to anyone other than themselves...]

OK let's face it - Sunday is ALL ABOUT JON STEWART. Watch, laugh, worship.

I feel the earth move (part 2... of many, I'm sure).

I am trying not to be too concerned with two minor earthquakes in my neighborhood within the same day. Really, I am trying.

It would help if Luna would quit acting like a looney tune, scampering all over the apartment for no apparent reason and staring out the window like she's waiting for someone (something?). They say animals are the first to know...

It would also help if I weren't sitting next to 72 square feet of glass right now.

Oh, and it would REALLY help if I finally got my earthquake preparedness paraphernalia together.

So THAT'S what Paradise Lost is about.

Devl kikd outa hevn coz jelus of jesus&strts war. pd'off wiv god so corupts man (md by god) wiv apel. devl stays serpnt 4hole life&man ruind. Woe un2mnkind. -- Milton, Paradise Lost

(If novels were written in text messages.)