Today's lesson.

"Focus on conscious tranquility. No matter how stressful the day is, your intention is to remain centered and calm. Your goal: to learn that you can control your psychic energy."

OK, this is all starting to sound like bullshit. I concur! However... at some point today (I think it was while I was waiting for the bus after totally oversleeping) it occured to me. The fact that I've said things in mucky-muck meetings that have been outright ignored, that other people end up saying the next week or the next month, at which point everyone slaps their foreheads and says "oh my god you are so right!", was suddenly not demoralizing.

Maybe I was planting seeds, maybe that was my purpose. Maybe this is how things just happen in corporate life, and had I not said such things they never would've been said (again), and subsequently acknowledged and incorporated. Suddenly I wasn't so frustrated. And talking to several mucky-mucks and hearing that I WAS making a difference despite my daily beliefs otherwise, suddenly made a difference instead of sounding like token appreciation.

I dunno. I've also been reading this book on past lives, which I don't NOT believe in but don't totally believe in either, and the message throughout has been: your current life is an extension of your entire existence as a soul. The pains you suffer in this life can either linger to your next life, or be resolved in this life - the former of which means I shouldn't get so anxious about everything, the latter of which means you can rest in peace.

There's really something comforting to that.

I once had a psychic reading where she identified my past lives as always living near the sea, always working with my hands (sailmaker, farmer, winemaker), and being male in all but one past life. The one time I was a female I had several very difficult childbirths that ended up tragedies.

Fast forward to today (or this life, if you will): I can't imagine being landlocked; while I do love a good shoe sale I'm not a girlie-girl; and I don't want kids.

You do the math.

Spreadin' the love.

It must be PMS, although I just went through that. OK so maybe I'm just a sap. This made me smile (and get a wee bit weepy) at the humanity of the whole thing.

Backlog.

I have a couple Weeds DVDs, plus a Radiohead show to watch. Not in the mood for either. Netflix must think I died - usually I turn their flicks over in a few days... they sent me these DVDs several weeks ago. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate my queue picking.

Flicks (etc.) that I've sent back to Netflix but have not yet reviewed here:

• Match Point and Da Ali G Show (Season One) - returned without watching. Again, just not in the mood. I get the praise of both, and I'm sure someday I will request them again.
  
• The Broken Hearts Club and Big Eden - Netflix must think I'm a gay man. Anyone who says Zach Braff can only do emo lonely heart club movies, hasn't seen TBHC - where he plays an emo gay lonely heart. Big Eden would appeal to anyone who loved Ed from Northern Exposure, which I did - but if you didn't love Ed, it's probably not worth your time.
  

Coffee talk.

Took a much-needed coffee break with a friend at work today. At some point we were talking about alternate careers, and I commented that several of my friends around our age were also in this weird state of wanting to do something more meaningful, more valuable, with their life than sit in a cubicle all day filling out TPS reports.

The conversation took an interesting turn - was it just our generation who was going through this phase? We couldn't think of many folks from other generations who were going through the same identity crisis. Was it because we were children of the flower power generation, currently (and by choice) living in Peace Love and Happiness, California? Did it have anything to do with the dot com bust, where all those creative souls were left jobless and looking for something more substantial out of life? (Peace Corps applications shot up during that time, for example.) Is it a result of the information age - cable TV and high-speed internet lets us see opportunities we would never have been able to glimpse before?*

My parents certainly didn't go through this phase. But my parents are now both retired. Could that be it? I see how happy and carefree they are, and I'm jealous?

Whatever the reason, I've started a mental list of careers I'd like to pursue. None involve pointy-headed bosses, mindless conference calls or powerpoint presentations. Interested parties should inquire within. Let's open up a restaurant in Santa Fe.

________________
* A conversation with another friend later in the day led to discussion about this show. Yeah, I do acknowledge that I could have it a whole lot worse.

I couldn't agree more.

The headliners for the 20th Annual Bridge School Benefit Concerts were just announced! They include Neil Young, Pearl Jam, Dave Matthews Band, Brian Wilson, Foo Fighters, Nine Inch Nails' Trent Reznor, Death Cab For Cutie, Gillian Welch and Devendra Banhart, plus a few surprise guests. What, no CSNY? And Trent Reznor acoustic? Really? That's so going to rock! - SF Gate culture blog, emphasis added

This has truly been the year of great shows! How nice to get back to my old habits and stomping grounds.

Nothing here is real, nothing here is right.

How I spend almost every weekend night:

• Friday night I usually go to the gym, watch a movie and relish in the fact that I don't have to go to work the next day.
• Saturday night I usually watch a movie, eat comfort food and relish in the fact that I don't have to go to work the next day.
• Sunday night I usually open a bottle of wine and resent the fact that I have to go to work the next day.

I wake up Monday morning grumpy and tired, and thus begins my work week.

Good weekend days are spent with friends, or attempting to run long distances again (unsuccessful to date!), or shopping, or cooking new interesting recipes/watching hours of Food Network (today I saw an interesting Moroccan spice mix which I tried with tofu, and it was great). Bad weekend days are spent doing monotonous chores.

Overall, this is not a life.

However, I'm not entirely sure any of the nine million jobs I've applied for would make me any happier. I really don't know what would make me happy, and this is incredibly frustrating. I thought again this weekend about moving back to Maryland, but realized that would be a temporary distraction from what's making me unhappy... whatever culmination of situations and circumstances that might be making me unhappy.

The friend I was helping with window installations ... he lives in a little suburb where everyone knows everyone, they have block parties, their kids all play together ... and the burly men in the neighborhood are happy to help lift a couple heavy windows for an hour on a Saturday.
I live in an apartment complex where I know 3 of my 18 sets of neighbors. I have no sense of community. I spend my free time holed up in my apartment, actively avoiding people because of those random few who totally piss me off and make me question humanity as a whole. As a result, I'm fairly socially inept around people who don't know me very well.

I keep hoping these damn cards will say something about this. Tomorrow I'm supposed to "take steps to get healthy" ... maybe that will bring some enlightenment. Or at least incite me to quit my job. Wouldn't that be nice.

I was always brave and kind of righteous, now I find I'm wavering... OK, that does it. I'm gonna go watch the actual musical now.

[This rambling post brought to you by Screw Kappa Napa, now on sale at your local Trader Joe's.]

Wait 'til I tell the guys in marketing.

I had a great day. Great. I slept in a little, then helped a friend install windows all day. (So now I know how to do that, for those of you considering such an undertaking.) We made lots of progress as compared to last weekend, and we saved him lots of money.

On the way home I was on the freeway trying to get over to the exit so I could take the road that runs by the marina instead of the freeway. I came THIS CLOSE... THIS CLOSE to hitting some dude's Audi. I don't think I've ever had such a close call. It would've been a rather expensive end to my cost-saving day.

At that moment it occurred to me that one second could make an enormous difference in a day.

I don't really have a point to this story. But I did freak out a bit tonight when I saw one of those VW ads depicting head-on collisions.

"Mom's done busted her knee cap."

That was the subject of an email I got from the folks today. An investigative phone call revealed that my mom fell off a step on Tuesday and fractured her kneecap in three places. She's hobbling around alright, it seems, but there might be an impending surgery... She has osteoporosis so they are worried that the fracture might separate. Surgery or not, she's been informed not to bend her knee for 6 weeks.

The doctor made a point of telling her that if she'd done this 30 years ago she would've bounced up off the pavement and gone about her day.

Was that really necessary? If I'd been in the room with that doctor, I would've punched him square in the nose.

It's days like this when I really want to move back home.

I forget what 8 was for.

Are you ready, boys and girls? Here is the key to the game... you know the game, write down 5 names and 2 numbers and 4 songs and SOMETHING MAGICAL will happen:

NUMBER 1 IS YOUR LUCKY NUMBER. THE NUMBER of PEOPLE YOU MUST TELL ABOUT THIS GAME is found in SPACE 2. THE PERSON IN SPACE 3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE. YOU CARE MOST about the PERSON you put in SPACE 4. THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL. THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN 6 IS THE YOUR LUCKY STAR. THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK is in SPACE 7. THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE PERSON IN NUMBER 3. THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE PERSON IN 7. THE 10TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT YOUR MIND. AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT LIFE.

My #10 was "Kiss Off" and #11 was "Red Right Ankle."

I wish my cousin would stop sending me this shit.

Roadkill optional.

Today I ran across this job posting, and after reading the description I just couldn't help but apply. I'm pretty sure that 99.9% of it involves scraping up dead furry things from highways, but that remaining 0.1% of arresting bastards who torture animals would be pretty cool. The least I should do is verify the actual percentage split by procuring an interview.

Oh, and also? "Must maintain firearms proficiency." Think it's time for another lesson!

We're not gonna take it anymore.

It is for charity!! Yay. Now I feel much better voting for Hal. You should too... He rocked out last week.

One of these things just doesn't belong.

Today I took the long walk home, and observed a man honking his horn incessantly and swearing louder and more often than Samuel Jackson on a plane with snakes.

He was driving one of those new VW bugs and had put plastic sunflowers across the back window.

People are FUCKED UP.

I am aware that no one cares what I had for lunch ...

... but I'm not in the mood to go here right now. So I will steal from someone else instead. Someone whose list contains books I've read and also books I've never heard of. The latter of which means she is much smarter than me. I do not promise such a list.

1. One book that changed your life: The River Why, read first year of college. Offers an intriguing concept behind reincarnation and the afterlife that I still ponder to this day.

2. One book you have read more than once: most books still on my bookshelf - I give the one-time reads away. Probably most read over the shortest duration of time was A Prayer for Owen Meany. Read during the David phase. Best thing I got out of that relationship.

3. One book you would want on a desert island: A blank journal, so I could keep track of the days, chronicle my adventures and leave tips for the next desert island dweller.

4. One book that made you laugh: Another Roadside Attraction, read about 6 years ago. Parts of this book also fall under #1.

5. One book that made you cry: The Outsiders. Not when Johnny dies, but when the brothers have it out at the end.

6. One book you wish had been written: What Jen(n) Should Do With Her Life, for Dummies.

7. One book you wish had never been written: anything by Bill O'Reilly or Ann Coulter.

8. One book you are currently reading: The Brothers K when I have energy to read at night, and Lizard Music when I don't.

9. One book you have been meaning to read: the Bible. (Seriously.)

So, what's on your nightstand?

You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.

Two days in a product management class and all I take away is that we live in a disposable, capitalist society where nothing is ever good enough for people. Midway through today I realized that I'm Lloyd Dobler:

I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed.

There's got to be some (decently paying) job out there that would let me work with animals without having to know chemistry. Now accepting ideas...

And you've had some crazy conversations of your own.

Best line overheard at the BBQ today: "I'm gonna go put some pants on." Second best line overheard [paraphrased because at that point in the day, my memory couldn't be counted on for much]: "Yeah, they weren't so big on drinking blood." (Who is "they"? Who cares. It was funny.)

Good times, good times. Off to lay down and pray that my stomach doesn't explode from all the cheese.

Mmmmm... cheese.

You know, kinda like an Oreo cookie.

Sandwiched between a 10-year old boy telling me I looked like a man this morning, and someone making an inappropriate (but, touche, accurate) remark about my skill set to his peers while we were all on a conference call this afternoon, the middle of my day was AWESOME.

Seriously.

I had a few good chats with a few coworkers. I ate a healthy *and* cheap salad for lunch. I finished something I'd been unable to complete all week. And I was offered an "out" for The Project From Hell by someone who can probably make the "out" happen.

The "out" offering was truly the sugary creamy filling of my day. I practically skipped to the cafeteria to get lunch. Even if it doesn't come through and I get stuck doing TPFH, just knowing that a version like that exists... That has to be worth something.

... and gosh darn it, people like me.

Tomorrow's card (I read ahead so as to give myself the full day to accommodate the suggestion): examine unfinished business and do one thing to bring it to closure. I only have one piece of unfinished business that's really getting to me at the moment - and the one thing that would bring it to closure would be me quitting my job.

OKAY! Now we're talking!!

Today's card asked that I determine whether I'm generally positive or negative. That's all - just recognize which category I fall into. I didn't have to spend too much time on that one.

Yesterday I was supposed to identify something that would make me more empowered and take action on it, so I took charge of a painful meeting, and got a head-nod from a mucky-muck as an acknowledgement. That was kinda cool.

I'm starting to think that there's something to this daily affirmation shit. After all, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough... Or maybe it's all a hokey, cheeseball distraction. Whatthefuckever, man. It's working.

Not even close to Friday five.

Five painfully close-to-home, but somehow also funny, work-related items:

1. the adventures of Action Item
2. employee morale in Dilbertland
   
3. life in the cube
4. Jim's career
   
5. ... OK, this one isn't work-related but the first section of it made me laugh - IT'S NOT JUST ME!
   

Celebrity sighting.

It's no photo op with John Linnell or Ray Davies or Bono, but yesterday on the walk home I saw Mayor Brown running around the lake. He got ahead of me by about 20 feet before I realized who he was.

Not that I would've said anything to him. I'm not really a fan.

But still. It's way more exciting than this!

Hello lamp post, whatcha knowin'?

I now possess these cards called "Wisdom for Healing Cards." When I first got them they seemed incredibly hokey, and the seminar with which they were associated was a bit of a debacle,* so I hadn't really thought much about them since. Out of curiosity Saturday while I was cleaning, I finally opened the box. The very first card suggested I do something I'd been putting off for a while. It stated that by recognizing and resolving one small thing I've been postponing, I could ignite powerful change over time.

Hmm. I'd been putting off cleaning for a LONG while, how coincidental that I would turn this particular card the day I decided to clean.

So the next day I flipped to the next card: pay attention to your body and respond to one stress fully and consciously. I hadn't slept much at all Saturday night, so I resisted a drink (or three) at lunch with some friends who were all having a few. It's not normal for me to resist a drink when everyone else is imbibing, and I consciously did so. I thought that was an interesting step. Then after lunch and afternoon activities I took a long walk and ended up sleeping like a baby Sunday night.

Today's card had a bit of a religious slant but the message essentially was: slow down and observe everything as though it was speaking to me. Mondays of late have been absolute hell-holes. But today I hit the snooze a few extra times, I read a magazine at lunch instead of working through lunch, I stared out the window several times and wondered if the cars on the highway were headed somewhere fun, and I walked the long way home after the gym this evening. I even walked through the neighborhood dog park - slightly out of my way but the romping dogs always make me smile.

I'm not sure how long this card-following thing will last, and surely it will be interspersed with lots of "insecure storytime" (lord knows I could fill a book) but for now... Doot-in' doo-doo, feelin' groovy.

________________
* YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Haha.

I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy.

This week's Onion horoscope is: "A tall, dark stranger will leave you embarrassed this week after claiming to be a tall, dark acquaintance of yours from college."

Somewhat coincidentally, I googled an old crush from high school the other day. I met him in the early stages of my emo phase, during which time I was a total mess and he was a total mess. So naturally I fell in love with him. Like all my crushes in high school, he knew I adored him and fed me carrots every so often to keep me doing so (in his case, artsy love poems that weren't about me - I pretended they were, he knew this but never corrected me... bastard).

But all of that is an insecure story for another day. As I said, we were both total messes at the time so when I found his name online, I fully expected him to be a heroin addict, or a tattoo artist (he did his own body art and was quite talented), or both. Or in a band, addicted to heroin and fully tattooed. (I don't know where I got the heroin addict part from, it just seemed like a road he was likely to go down.)

Turns out he's happily married, he's been a "big brother" for almost 10 years and he's very active in his church. Who knew! Not sure why I'm surprised though. Ten years ago I wasn't so sure I wanted to live to see 30, and I passed that mark 18 months ago. With flying colors.

I wonder if he ever thinks about me. It's so funny how certain people can mean the world to you and stay in your memory forever, when they've probably long since forgotten about you.

I wonder if seeing a community theater musical will always remind me of high school, painting sets and wearing black turtlenecks, and the beginning of those messy years of my life.

Probably.

Fun AND educational!

In addition to the fact that it's just an awfully brilliant, or brilliantly awful, movie, Snakes on a Plane taught me something last night: there are airplanes in the world that have upper levels. Stairs that go up to another level, presumably a level that I would never, ever, ever be able to afford.

Stairs... on a motherfucking plane. Who knew?? That's more exciting than the snakes!!

What if we're still doing this when we're 50?

I made an executive decision today, one that's long overdue. No, I didn't quit Paid Job. (Yet.)

Instead, I recommended a change in Unpaid Job's structure that hasn't been working for quite a while. It was an out-of-the-blue recommendation to everyone else, and it was a last-minute request, and I'm no longer in charge so I wasn't sure how it would go over. But everyone heard me out and agreed with my recommendation, and then later they gave me recognition. This was on the same day someone else at Unpaid Job sent a crazy last-minute request and all the other Unpaid Employees banded together via email to accommodate the request.

THIS is how Paid Job should be. No finger-pointing, no trash-talking, no pettiness. Just people who like each other, working toward the same goal, coming together in times of need.

The punchline is, I got a raise at Paid Job today. A.K.A. "HOW THEY GET YA."

Concept vs. actuality.

I like this idea in concept. The cards are kid-drawn so, therefore, uber cute and patriotic. It seems that I can enter a personalized message that isn't smarmy and YAY AMERICA! which is kinda cool. But would a soldier overseas really want to get a uber cute card with the message, "Sorry our president is an ass and sorry you're still stuck over there with no end in sight and yeah it's been almost 3 years and there's no clear goal to this... but we appreciate all that you're doing"?

That's life.

You spend 20 years of your life wrasslin' crocodiles and teasing poisonous venomous snakes, and then one day you're stung by a usually-harmless ray who probably didn't mean to do it, and who probably feels really bad about it.

Kinda makes this whole life thing seem pointless, in a way.

I finally got around to buying a hanging birdfeeder so that the merry squirrels couldn't keep eating all the birdseed. As a result, I spent a good portion of this weekend watching the birds flit and flutter about the birdfeeder. The pigeons haven't found it yet, just the cute little sparrows and other tiny frail winged things. I also spent a lot of time wondering what was going on in their brains. Not the most fruitful use of one's 3-day weekend, but it sure was relaxing.

When I wasn't doing that, or walking/running nine million miles or actively not shopping in an effort to save money, I was watching TV. Several times I saw a new car commercial which has the woman getting up and doing her daily routine over and over, and then she happens upon this brand new fancy car and it's all HOLY LIGHT and HALLELUJAH and THE EARTH STANDS STILL.

I'm getting tired of waiting for my car.

That's life. And so I will make oatmeal cookies for my team meeting tomorrow, and I will consume my weekly ration of pizza and wine, and I will watch Nip/Tuck, and I will go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat.

This is not Chappelle's Show.

But his Block Party is well worth your 1 hour 51 minutes... even if you have no interest in hip-hop or the Chappelle Show.

Oh, and I want to marry Mos Def. Probably not bloody likely. Just putting it out there in the interest of full disclosure.

Seriously, *I'M* not their target demographic?

Trader Joe's did me wrong today. I went out of my way to shop there, with three specific items in mind (plus the usual cheap wine and milk and yogurt and all that stuff).

Did they have low fat Irish cheddar cheese? No. Mini zucchinis in a bag? Uh-uh. Soy mayonnaise? Nope. In fact, it's been discontinued.

HOW CAN TRADER JOE'S DISCONTINUE SOY MAYONNAISE?? That's just wrong.

So I went next door and wandered aimlessly around the GINORMOUS Safeway looking for soy mayonnaise. No luck there either, which didn't surprise me. But can I just say... Holy hell, that's a big Safeway.

"You have a freak flag. You just don't fly it."

Don't be fooled by the trailer... The Family Stone is actually a very good movie.