So come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine.

Kudos to South Park for pointing out the insanity of this Terri Schiavo madness. And for showcasing Wing's ... err ... talents. I love those guys.

Top 5 things dummies shouldn't be doing.

5. Managing people.
4. Visiting San Francisco.
3. Philosophizing.
2. Procreating.

And the number one thing dummies should not be doing...

1. Homeschooling.

Special notice goes to those reading about Catholicism, religion, or the Bible for dummies. That explains SOOOOO very much about our country right now.

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This is all very tongue-in-cheek. However, I was quite stunned to get 1100 results when I searched Barnes and Noble's web site for "for dummies" books. What exactly does that say about us?

And speaking of down under...

This just in - I heard a rumor that somewhere out there, round trip airfare, SFO to Auckland, New Zealand = $650. Plus $163 if you bring fruit with you.

Must find out more info.

You have two freakin' Oscars, just pay the damn $140 fine.

(A.K.A. "stuff that's irritating right now.")

Two-time Oscar-winning actress Hilary Swank has been ordered to hand over $163 for taking an apple and orange into New Zealand.

Losing her bid for an appeal, the 30-year-old "Million Dollar Baby" star was issued notice of a fine for failing to declare the fruit snacks while arriving from Los Angeles on January 15. She later appealed the penalty.

But the Manukau District Court rejected Swank's appeal, and she was ordered to pay out $142 in fines plus an additional $21 for court fees.

In seeking to have her fine expunged, Swank reportedly wrote the New Zealand Ministry of Agriculture and Forestry a handwritten letter stating she "simply forgot" she had the fruits in her bag after her 20-hour flight.

File under: there oughta be...

There oughta be a web site that allows you to type in the name of any book, and what you get back is a list of the bricks&mortar stores that carry that book.

There oughta be a way to not show movies you've already rated when browsing the Netflix selections.

There outghta be a law against four hour conference calls...

"Now that's a real shame..."

"... when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that."

I won $2 tonight - TWO WHOPPING DOLLARS - in "Blue State Hold 'Em" (because we all refused to call it "Texas Hold 'Em"). All I could think when I was cashing out was, "I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!!!" And now I really want to watch Better Off Dead. So I think I will.

Sunday, rainy Sunday.

Nothing like some old school Cure on a rainy Sunday afternoon... Although I think I'll fast forward past "Prayers for Rain." And maybe also "The Same Deep Water As You"...

Today I really wish I was a housecat.

Dublin or bust!!

I got a brochure in the mail today from the AIDS marathon folks, who were encouraging me (as they do every 3 months or so) to sign up for one of their endeavors. Normally I laugh profusely at the thought of running 26 miles in one day, and immediately toss the brochure in the recycling bin. But today something caught my eye: the next run they're planning is in DUBLIN!!!

For about five minutes I thought about it. I really thought about it. Really. I thought about how I could train to run 26 miles, I know people who've done that and lived to tell the tale. I thought about who I could get to sign up with me. I thought about how much my knees would hate me and how I could get over that. I thought about how I could balance fundraising for that with my other fundraising commitments.

And then I thought about how I could just GO TO IRELAND without training for 6 months and running 26 miles when I get there. And how I would probably enjoy the trip a lot more with healthy knees and feet. And so, once again, I laughed profusely and tossed the brochure in the recycling bin... And then I started doing a little vacation research.

The state of affairs.

I found this incredibly comforting today... I've been neglecting Mark Morford of late. I need to stop doing that.

Arrrrrrrrrrrr.

Korn rocker Jonathan Davis and his wife Deven have become the parents of a baby boy - and they've named him Pirate.

Arrrrrrrrrrrr.

Why, Hollywood, why?!?!

Three reasons I hate Hollywood right now:

1. Out of curiosity I watched The Grudge. I was sort of expecting to be scared silly, like I was with the original, so I geared myself up for that, but nooooooo. I found it silly... Perhaps because I kept thinking it was a Buffy episode... Perhaps because I got distracted halfway through with Luna's new bald spots*... Perhaps because I wasn't watching it in a lonely hotel room while sitting next to a closet with slatted sliding doors while a kid outside the hotel howled like the cat in the original... No, actually, I think it just sucked.

2. After that I caught 10 minutes of the American version of The Office. DEAR GOD WHY? The new "Tim" (whatever they're calling him) isn't even half as appealing as the old "Tim."

3. And finally, while searching for something to watch earlier tonight, I saw that there already seems to be a made-for-TV movie about Terri Schiavo. I'm too annoyed to try to verify that right now.

Hello, Hollywood?? Don't fuck with a good thing... And leave the limbo patients to their maker, whoever that might be. K? K.

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* I don't know what these are attributed to. The first time this happened I kinda knew it was because of the new couch, so I made arrangements for that (set up a nice little blanket for her and washed the couch covers repeatedly till the problem seemed to subside). But now I just have no idea... Unless SHE was freaked out by the Grudge movie and suddenly lost a lot of hair that miraculously disappeared. But I don't think so... Bald spots on an otherwise healthy cat are just freaky. Make a movie about THAT, Hollywood.

On being 30, and a caffeine addict.

(This actually happened a while ago but I was reminded of it again today.)

Right after I had my 30th birthday, I commented to my (slightly older) friend that it was strange how I'd been drinking more water than I used to drink every day, yet my face was still really dry. She simply looked at me and said, in all seriousness, "It's STARTING."

Digression: honey makes a great natural moisturizing face mask. End of digression.

In other news, I am slowly becoming Starbucks' bitch. I hate that it's so close to my office and that there is no Peets anywhere in the area and that the Jitters & Shakes stand closes shop around 10:30am. I hate it. There are days when I just need a hot jolt of caffeine. And I keep getting gift cards to Starbucks. So that's where I go.

I can't stand their plain coffee so I usually opt for an espresso drink. At this particular Starbucks, they don't even brew espresso, really brew it - they just push a button and the espresso comes out of the machine, much like the hot chocolate machine at 7-11s. To distract myself from that disappointing discovery, I have been trying to come up with new tongue-twister concoctions to stump the "barristas" ("toffee nut half-caf non-fat grande latte!" "sugar-free vanilla dry non-fat tall cappuccino!"). Or I just order the evil caramel macchiato and plod back to the office, head hung in shame.

The other day I was waiting in line and the woman in front of me ordered something that sounded like a line from Lady Marmalade, which made me start singing a Starbucks version of that song in my head ("mocha frappa ya ya dada..."), which then got me thinking about Moulin Rouge, which I disliked with a passion.

Sigh. I hate that place.

File under: culture.

Finally watched Central Station. I liked it a lot, up until the end. Stop reading now if you haven't seen it... He seemed to get why she didn't say goodbye in person, but I didn't.

Saw Elvis Costello again, at the Paramount again. What a show that man puts on. What a voice. What a songwriter. What musicians they are.

And what is so funny about peace, love and understanding?

If it's not a coked-up couple sitting in front of me...

... it's a couple who can't keep their hands off each other standing in front of me ... or a heavily medicated old man sitting next to me who keeps falling over on me ... or a bunch of drunken frat boys sitting behind me who wouldn't know a Bob Dylan song if it ran over and smacked them in the head ... or, in tonight's case, a guy sitting in front of me who forgot to take his rittalin before the show.

I acknowledge that that's probably quite insensitive of me. But it just never fails. I've vowed this before but I'll say it again ... No more shows where I can't move around in the crowd. Or at least away from certain people in the crowd.

Surely this is out there.

A button, a t-shirt, a bumper sticker, with a photo of Dr Evil with Bush's face pasted in, and Mini Cheney by his side. Pinky to the lip and all. Surely it's out there. I can't be the first to have thought of it.

Notes to self...

... If you spend Friday evening watching 13 Going on 30* followed immediately by The Wedding Singer**, you probably will have crazy dreams and ponderous thoughts all weekend. Don't sweat it.

... If you sleep till 3pm on Saturday without staying up too late and/or drinking heavily the night before, opt for sitting on the couch instead of attempting to run three miles. It's very likely that something is physically wrong with you. And it's very likely that it's allergies, which you get every year around this time no matter how much you block it from your memory.

... Watching 8 hours of celebrity poker will probably not improve your game very much, if at all.

________________
* Yeah, I rented this. It actually wasn't bad, for what it was. I do think it should've been called 13 Going on 35 though, given where she was in her adult life.

** Really now, who amongst us hasn't wanted to say, "that's something that could've been brought to MY ATTENTION YESTERDAY!!!" really loud at work from time to time?

Time killer #487...

20Q.net ... And for the record,
- basketball players do sometimes use spoons;
- you can sometimes find a scarf in a classroom;
- depending on the drink, a drinking glass can bring joy to people;
- I do love crab and it does bring me joy;
- and my cat is not fluffy.

But it's all in fun. Or for science. Or something.

File under: humor.

The second funniest thing I have seen this week (right after Cat Town) can be found here.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

OK, really now... What the HELL is OUR GOVERNMENT SMOKING??!?!

And if they want us to put up with this, they'd better start sharing! Puff puff, give, puff puff, give...

Gotta live, gotta live, gotta live...

... in CAT TOWN!!!

Even more amusing than the Live song with a similar name.

Tenacious A.

And again with the ants.

Tonight I was investigating the source of the ant I found wandering around my kitchen counter, and opened the cabinet underneath the kitchen sink. AHA!! I immediately wiped out about ten critters*, and then started cleaning out the cabinet's contents so I could do some major reconn. In doing so I found a few who were meandering ON the box of Grants Kills Ants! And a few who were hanging about on the can of Ant Raid!!

Ballsy little fuckers, those ants.

________________
* Whenever wiping out ants I rotate between saying "sorry, little ants, but we cannot cohabitate," which I stole from a friend in an effort to generate some kind of karmic balance with the world, and "there is no escaping here!" from Natural Born Killers. Hopefully between the two I'll either come back as something other than a cockroach, or earn a little respect in hell.

Someone beat me to it.

In my gym, there is a magazine rack in front of the treadmills that houses things like Parents and local work news. They also have Mile High Sports Magazine. And the issue that has been prominently displayed for a few months now, is a back issue with a cover shot of a blond anorexic ski bunny whose stomach (what there is of it) is hanging out, with the words "Mile High" really big behind her head. The words "Sports Magazine," on the other hand, aren't so easy to see, especially from 5 feet away.

This magazine bugged me. Immensely. For a long time. Particularly because I only recently put together the "Mile High" and "Colorado" concepts. And also because I kept thinking that perhaps women were using it as incentive to work out. (To those women I say, you will never look like her. NO ONE looks like her, not even HER. Surrender the fantasy.)

Anyway, in my post-workout-get-me-the-hell-out-of-here fervor, I kept forgetting to put that magazine behind the Parents magazine, or throw it away, or burn it. Today I looked up from the treadmill, and someone had turned it around so that the completley innocuous back of the issue was facing outward.

Bless you, whoever you are. BLESS YOU.

Recently noted...

Even I am not that hardcore.

Can he be my mystery boyfriend? Please? (The rest of the story is rather interesting too - well, to me, anyway, this was the stuff I studied in college.)

One small step for man/man and woman/woman.

And finally, why I can't get that god-awful Reason song out of my head.

And then the cruel bite of reality.

My good friend called tonight from out-of-state - while I was watching the Celebrity Fat Club (or whatever the hell it's called) marathon of all things - to tell me that her mom died. It's been several months coming, from what I can tell, but still surprising and of course it's horribly depressing and, as usual, I have no idea what to do.

I guess I can just say I'm sorry, and send something to some charity, and/or send flowers, and/or make every effort to be there for the service this weekend, and in general be there if she wants to talk about it.

But, and I can't put it any more eloquently... it sucks. Big time.

Another one...

Bread and Roses. An admirable, heart wrenching tale of grassroots organizing that will now make me think twice when non-union janitors are protesting as I walk by them on the street. This film exemplified a lot of the organizing skills I've been learning in my non-paid-job workshops, which I hope to utilize in that capacity as well as in the current political... debacle. Bonus. And, well, Adrian Brody is hot.

"You rock, rock."

Three movies I've seen recently:

1. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Oh my dear lord... I haven't laughed so hard since my Dodgeball/Elf double feature. Although the first part dragged a bit (with highlights here and there), at approximately 1 hour 3 minutes there is an utterly amazingly hilarious scene that carries the rest of the movie. People expecting another Elf will be sorely disappointed. People craving another Zoolander will be quite pleased.

2. I 'Heart' Huckabees. I'm still not sure what to make of this movie. I loved about 3/4 of it, I mean really loved it, but near the end I became less enamored. I can't say why exactly... Perhaps I just didn't get it after all. Perhaps it became a touch too pretentious. Perhaps Jude Law's miserable American accent finally got to me. Regardless, it's definitely worth checking out. Great actors and an interesting premise.

3. Taxi. Yes, I rented this crap (through Netflix, of course, see previous 'methods of crap rental' posts). I had no expectations other than that Jimmy Fallon would look really cute and maybe be funny. Unless the latter occured after the first 30 minutes (I couldn't bring myself to watch more than that), I only got the former. Worth 30 minutes of my life? Not really.

The Internet is for porn.

In an attempt to purchase a ticket to an upcoming show at Bimbo's 365 Club, I went straight to the address bar and, without thinking, typed in www.bimbos.com.

I don't recommend doing this. Google is your FRIEND...

Today in music news...

(Because what I was going to write about will take way too much energy.)

According to iTunes, people who bought Wilco also bought Whitney Houston. And people who bought Jack Johnson also bought 50 cent. Two items of proof that other people with otherwise decent taste in music buy their crap online too.

In other news, I just discovered the Decemberists, who seem to have written a song about someone* I went to high school with, unless it's just a random coincidence. Neat. (Speaking of her, read this before you see this... Probably instead of seeing it, actually. You won't be sorry. I can't see Richard Gere in that role at ALL.)

And this will be pretty significant, if it actually happens.

________________
* I don't claim to have known her, but I was good friends with her sister years ago... Until I dated her sister's ex-boyfriend, and then all bets were off. Apparently they're still off, if a distantly-recent sighting at the book tour are any sign.

"A lie is a gesture, it's a courtesy, it's a little respect."

There's an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry holds the elevator for a teenage girl. They're both going to the same doctor's office and he kindly lets her off the elevator first. She ends up signing in before him and making him wait 45 extra minutes for his doctor's appointment... So the last scene shows him in the elevator, and someone is running to the elevator yelling "hold it! hold it!" and he feigns leaning forward to push the "door open" button as it shuts in the person's face.

Prior to seeing this episode, I feigned it all the time - not because I was worried I'd be late for something, but because inevitably I ALWAYS pushed the "door close" button by mistake and ended up not helping people anyway.

Since watching that episode, I now have a new perspective on feigners... and I'm proud to be one.

Everything must go.

I was killing time between the airport and a volunteer meeting tonight, and happened upon a Hallmark store that was going out of business. Everything in the store was 40% off. EVERYTHING!!

Ever the bargain hunter, I gleefully shopped for thank-you notes (one can never have enough thank-you notes on hand) and birthday/anniversary/wedding/baby shower cards for the rest of the year. When I got to the counter I asked the guy (who turned out to be the owner) how much longer they'd be open, thinking I could come back, when I had a little more time, and add to my surplus. He said something about not being sure they could last till April, and suddenly I felt very sad for him.* What if this was his dream, and his business was going under, and now he'd have to find some crappy job to sustain himself and his family for the rest of their lives? What did he think of business increasing X% only since he put the "going out of business" sign in the window? What about all those other depressed store owners going out of business whom I'd only visited because at that point they weren't trying to rip me off with their overpriced wares?

And then I recalled a guy I met several years ago who lived in Bali, shipped shitloads of Bali arts and crafts here to sell at ridiculously high prices before Christmas, then reduced prices by 75% after Christmas so that he could get rid of the stock, go back to Bali and live the good life for another 9 months. And I thought, maybe this Hallmark store owner is retiring. Maybe he won the lottery and didn't need the gig anymore. Maybe he was moving out of state. Maybe he was moving to Bali.

And then I thought, what the hell do I care?? I just got 30 thank-you notes and 10 greeting cards for $20!!! Whatever reason your store is going under is sooooooo not my fault, I buy full-priced cards all the time.

In unrelated news, my oldest friend in the world (the one I've known the longest, not my nonexistent 101 year old friend) and her husband are having a baby!!! How exciting for them... How scary for them... And I guess I'll be heading back east sometime in the fall.

________________
* I got home tonight and found pleas for money from the Sierra Club, Unicef, KQED and the National Parks Association. Four requests in one day is a record, even for me. My train of thought while opening the mail: "Jesus! Sure I'll sign the petition to save the wetlands but you're not getting my check... Why did you send me a real nickel [Editor's note: Unicef really did this]? How guilty would I feel if I kept that nickel? I'll show you, I'm sending it back with NOTHING ELSE except a note saying please take me off your mailing list now quit bugging me!!... Oh, so you see that I've been a loyal member since 2004 and you're grateful for my enduring ongoing support - 12 whopping months does not enduring ongoing make, and anyway, get your facts straight, I've been supporting KQED for about FIVE years now... What if the parks and poor children and independent radio really do need my money more than my savings account does? How does one decide where to share their own personal wealth? OK - how does one who doesn't want to see a payoff decide where to share their own personal wealth? Is it based on values? Because if that's the case I could rationalize how any of these are more important than the other, or equally important, and convince myself to sign the check(s)... Fuck it - you're all getting recycled and I'm buying a dresser instead."

(It may very well be hormones. Or the fact that I've been up since 4:30am today. Or the fact that my current dresser smells like moth balls.)

Choosing my own adventure.

For some reason today I started thinking about where I would be now, had I chosen different paths along the way. And for some reason I was thinking about this in a "Choose Your Own Adventure" format, e.g.:

"During your sophomore year in college, you change your major to one in which you could get a great education at either your chosen out-of-state school or your less costly, less desirable home-state university. Do you (a) continue at your current out-of-state university, rack up ridiculous amounts of tuition debt, but really come into your own because you're on your own for the first time in your life, or do you (b) transfer back to your home university where you live with the folks, save lots of money and play it safe?"

I chose B.

I "wrote" numerous other situations today, but just about everything since then, that got me here (here=physically, mentally, emotionally), hinged on that decision. So this is where I'm supposed to say, "and if given another chance I'd pick B all over again..." But I can't say that.

I guess this is where reincarnation comes in handy.

Caloric osmosis.

Every time I watch Paula's Home Cooking, I gain 10 pounds. Just from watching. I'm not kidding.

Mystery man.

To everyone who has recently said they thought I was seeing someone or asked me how "the relationship" is going, I ask the following: Can you please introduce me to this person I'm allegedly dating?

Thanks!!

My first WOW!

This weekend I had a few firsts. One was my first experience at the Whiskies of the World Expo. One thing I will say with authority is that I'm so glad I got there an hour after my friends did. Had I arrived with them, I fear they'd have needed to scrape me off the floor when it was time to leave... After a while I could only discern between what did and didn't make me shudder as I tasted it, but I recall that the Suntory Yamazaki 25 yr and 18 yr Sherry Wood were deeeeelightful. Given that they are only being sold in Japan and they retail for $800 and $200, respectfully, I'm glad we made several trips to the relaxing times booth. Another one I appreciated, but only after I chased it with a toffee, was the vanilla infused whiskey.

Another first was my first dinner at First Crush... Perhaps it was the whiskey pre-show, perhaps it was the 30 minute wait even though we'd made reservations, perhaps it was my particular dinner selection, I can't say... But I was unimpressed.

They're polka dots.

And they're hot... And fun... And... "whimsical." Yeesh. Perhaps I'll need to rethink this template change in the near future.

Stuff that bugs me more than it should.

In no particular order: That the guy on the bus called everyone he knew to tell them he was on his way home, and that he was shouting because he was ON THE BUS. That laundry in my building costs $3.50 a load. That the guy I met at the comic book convention didn't ask me for my number or email or anything. That the Food Network airs "Unwrapped." That I went to the gym and did laundry on a Friday night. That I totally blew up at someone today at work instead of talking to him like a rational human being. That Luna likes to bat the venetian blinds just to hear the noise. That Katie Holmes and Chris Klein have split.

And why it shouldn't bug me, in the order above: Wherever you go there will be annoying people (and in some cases you're the annoying person). Hey, at least I have laundry in my building. I wasn't really interested in him anyway. I suppose there are people on this planet who do want to see how cheesy poofs and string cheese are made. It's by choice, it really is. He pissed me off and he deserved it. She's bored as hell and I'm sitting here on the computer. OK do I even need to go there??

Ayyyyyyyye love a parade...

Today is Parade Day. It's March 4th. Get it? March fourth? Get it? March forth!

Haha!!!

______________
Flat-out stolen from a friend - but she stole it from someone too.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil...

... about the meeting I had the "pleasure" of sitting through today. Except to say that I shouldn't have been seeing or hearing the majority of it. But I shall not speak of it, and I did use the ridiculously long period of time to my advantage by making a laundry list of things I need to do for my unpaid second and third jobs. Sigh.

Speaking of laundry, I had to do laundry on another floor tonight and as I was going up the back stairwell - which I have never entered in my 16 months of living in this building - I saw one of the most lovely things in the world... A TRASH CHUTE!!! I have often wondered, when dumping my trash in the garage dumpster, why there was a big chute and from where it originated, but I never really took the time to investigate. It seems there is one ON EVERY FLOOR!!! Although it's not as convenient as the one in my first apartment - which was indoors, just down the plushy carpeted hall and did not require taking my keys and/or a 5-second doorstop - it was indeed a splendid discovery.

Hey, it's the little things.

Now I just have to find a way to implement a "rent chute," "rental repair request chute" and "chute me straight into my car chute" and I will be SO SET. Maybe a big slide from my balcony to the other side of the street where the bus stop is too... Hmm.