How to thank an 8-year old.

I spent quite a bit of time today trying to write a "thank you" card to a coworker's 8-year old son, who voluntarily donated 1/3 of his annual allowance to his (and my) charity of choice for 2005. It was truly ridiculous.

I kept going back to the card his mom had written: "[Son] gets $3 a week, $1 of which he has to put into savings, $1 of which he can spend (but never does) and $1 of which he gives to the charity of his choice."

He's EIGHT... That's damn fine parenting in my book.

Snap. Crackle. Pop culture.

Tonight on the bus I saw an advertisement for Good Vibrations.* I can only guess that the approvers of that ad thought it was a Berkeley hippie thing.

Come the hell on, people. I mean, Michael Stipe and Billy Bragg spontaneously ad-libbing lyrics to it back in the 90's was funny, but this (which is now a goddamned real live TV commerical) is soooooo not.

We'll give you $1,000,000 to bob for apples in a vat of cow's blood... But we'll only give you $100,000 for losing LOTS O'WEIGHT and keeping it off. YAY AMERICA!!

Thank God for the latest Virgin Mobile commercials which put the holidays into perspective.

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* Do not click when children or coworkers are present.

Who needs kids...

... when you have a cat that can manage to get food all over her head when she is startled by a loud noise during her dinnertime?

Aye carumba.

Wreck the halls.

Since learning that my parents decided to accept my invitation to come out for Christmas, I have been very much against the concept of holiday decorations. There are a few reasons behind this - namely that red, gold and green absolutely do not go with my orange, avocado and mustard living room decor; and also it seems sacrilegious to try to create my own tradition just for this year when there are years and years of tradition in their attic that I could never come close to replicating (nor would I want to, nor do I want to create my own tradition just yet).

Then I saw this at Target today - on sale for $14.99. And all bets were off. My brand new Charlie Brown FIBER OPTIC Christmas tree.



That's right, you can't really see it from the photo, but there's fibers and optics going on in this little 3 foot sucker. And chances are low that Her Majesty will eat it - bonus.

And then I just went nuts with the rest of the decorations. This place is going to look like a cyclone hit it before too long.

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Does anyone besides me remember that Sesame Street Christmas album from 1975, not the re-versioned album but the original pre-Elmo one complete with the Bert/Ernie/Mr Hooper story and the Spanish songs? Yeah - this one! MUST. HAVE. IT. Bid on this and you're on MY LIST.

God, eBay scares me. And also makes me wish I'd saved a lot of the fond memories from my childhood. If only they had this on CD... This and this I heard enough in my first 22 years and don't really have to ever hear again... but I miss the other two dearly.

One down, three to go.

I did see Walk the Line today. There's a scene where Johnny is talking to June and she asks him if he's alone on Thanksgiving. Us single folk in the audience snickered.

I really don't think anyone other than Joaquin Phoenix could've played this part well. He has the rugged good looks, and can kinda sing like Cash. Hell, Cash chose him to play the part. But all I could think about during the scenes where Cash recounts losing his brother, and goes through withdrawal, was how easy (and yet so hard) it must've been for Phoenix, having had similar experiences.

(OK, so I also was very focused on how utterly hot he is, but that's a story for another day. But I do officially forgive him for The Village now.)

Maybe she needs more steroids.

Today going home on the elevator a woman had her cat with her - the woman didn't want to leave the cat in the car while she ran upstairs, and also someone in her department had wanted to meet the cat. The cat was in a carrier, of course, and the woman politely asked if anyone was allergic to cats before entering the elevator. On the way down I admired and petted this beast of a cat, who looked a lot like Luna in terms of fur and eye color but not so much size, and started to think.

Maybe all the other cats that seem GINORMOUS to me are actually normal-sized cats, and Her Majesty is just a puny-sized cat, and I just don't see it because she's my only perspective. I haven't had another cat to regularly compare her to since Riley, and even he was a GINORMOUS cat.

If so, that just makes me love her even more. And call her "Runt" often and honestly, of course.
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I have often wondered what "bring your pet to work" would look like for Her Majesty. I'm guessing she would spend some time eyeing the hawks that float in the sky outside my building, and some time "talking" to people who would be more than happy to give her the love I CLEARLY don't give her (or so you would think, listening to her whine all the live-long day), and a lot of time sleeping in cozy corners. For now I'll stick with the "YAY JEANS" rule and see if I can work the "bring your pet to work" day sometime in the next few years.

"How to evade a stampede of shoppers."

My friend gave me a "Worst Case Scenario 2005 Survival Calendar" either for Christmas or my birthday. I can't remember.

At times it has provoked thought ("How To Survive If Trapped In A Lion Cage," "How To Jump From A Moving Car," "How To Cross A Pirhana-Infested River" - in what life might I need this information? it sounds like a much more interesting life than the one I lead now).

At times it has contained some highly useful information ("How To Lose Someone Who Is Following You In A Car," "How To Avoid And Survive A Hit And Run," "How To Carry Someone Who Is Passed Out," "How To Win A Bar Fight" - all perfectly feasible situations in the life I currently live).

And sometimes, like next week's, it's just funny. So for anyone about to hit the malls on Friday for a little holiday shopping, I offer the following advice from the 2005 Worst Case Scenario Survival Calendar:

• "Stay focused and visualize your goal... Reacting early and decisively in crowds affords you your best shot at survival."
• "Avoid herd mentality... Avoid the temptation to join the herd - you cannot shop if you cannot see the merchandise."
  
• "Do not move toward the oncoming herd. You risk being trampled..."
• "Maximize your movement options... stay on the edge [of the crowd]."
• "Wear proper shoes."
  

OK maybe it's just funny to me... because I need to hit the malls on Friday.

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Others are amusing too, and each one has a diagram or cartoon to accompany the advice... I especially like the cartoon for "How To Escape If Trapped In A Walk-In Freezer." It's a guy trapped in a walk-in freezer laying face down inside a cardboard box with a big tub of ice cream and a spoon next to him.

Flippity floppity floo.

My thought process tonight went a little something like this:

[5:22pm.] Shit! I need to finish what I'm doing and catch the bus so I can get home and drive the less than mile back to the gym (the really cheap one that closes at 7pm)... [On the way to the bus stop, about a minute too late.] Shit - there goes the bus. I should just forget the gym tonight and do laundry instead. I could walk home and that would at least be something. [Starting to walk home.] Nah, I'll go to the gym and do my usual workout and catch the bus all gross and sweaty. [Starting to walk back toward the gym.] Nah, I'll just go home and do laundry instead. [Arriving at the crosspoint of gym vs bus.] Nah, I'll go home and get my car and have a shorter time at the gym and not offend people who have to sit near me on the bus. [At the bus stop.] Nah, I'll just go home and do laundry. [On the bus.] I should just go to the gym and do what I can in the 45 minutes I'll have left.

And so I did. And I ran more than I usually run in a shorter period of time I usually bother to do anything. Dammit, I have dropped between 12-15 pounds (depending on the day) and a lot of my old clothes actually fit again and I'll be damned if I'm going to gain it all back and have to go through this again. Dammit.

And then I went to the gym and came home and ate something healthy and now I'm hungry but I keep thinking about how my convictions need to stand for something. Dammit.

Randomness.

I talked with a few friends today about making the change to a job where you don't have any formal experience but where you think you could be really good (writing... in some capacity that involves getting an assignment, finishing it and moving on to the next assignment). One friend (who does not know about this here endeavor) suggested I start writing as a hobby and then see if I can "donate" articles for exposure. He had some other good ideas too. But I am guessing this here endeavor doesn't really count as something valuable in that arena. It's really just a channel with which to rant and vent...

Why did I start getting Sunset magazine in the mail? I really don't understand...

Many people seem really shocked that I have no plans for Thanksgiving. In case there was any doubt - rest assured, I don't WANT any plans for Thanksgiving. Plans other than going for a run and then eating too much, seeing this or this or maybe this or perhaps this, and of course drinking lots of wine, and of course hanging out with Her Majesty, and of course watching this, that is. Really truly I mean it. The 'rents visiting for Christmas is more than enough holiday for me to take this year.

Speaking of 'rents - I am officially boycotting this. And you should too. For the love of all that is holy, leave a good thing alone, will you, Hollywood??!

I haven't seen Evil Dead II yet.

I can't believe that I have sat through almost every Freddie and Jason movie, but it took me 24 years to see this flick. So sad. I especially loved the last 20 minutes - it was almost like Sam Raimi was playing the "how much glop, guts and gore can we spray directly into Bruce Campbell's face" game. Genuis.

And can I be the first to say please God no? Why must they do this? Why, I ask you?

"Victory through mediocrity."

No, I don't mean that a young monk was recently excused from performing a portion of a monk's duties.

I mean what my friend uttered after a less-than-rousing - rather annoying, actually - game between the Raiders and the Redskins. But hey, we won. Yippee.

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You so knew I was going to blog that, right?!

Question of the day...

... do I apply for the job where I don't really understand one "requirement" but have experience in all the other "requirements"?

I'm thinking yes. Maybe I can wing it.

Pot kettle black.

I was highly amused at the young couple sitting next to me in the theater, scoffing at all the "nerdy" teeny boppers in the back who squealed in delight for the Narnia and King Kong previews... in the theater on opening night for Harry Potter Part IV. Uh huh.

Tonight was my first real endeavor into Hogwarts land, and now I get why people are into the Harry Potter phenomenon. I can't say that I will go forth and read all the books and see all the other movies though... Hermione gets on my nerves, Ron needs a spine, Harry reminds me too much of Frodo, and quite frankly I just can't take the stress that accompanies long-term emotional investments with fictional characters anymore. (I think the Lord of the Rings trilogy really did me in. I DON'T KNOW THEM. THEY AREN'T REAL. IT'S JUST A FREAKIN' MOVIE.)

Perhaps if I had a life of my own I would feel differently. For now, though, I'll stick to things like Nip/Tuck. When the show is done, I can think, "boy, what assholes," and move on.

I could go around the world 3.6 times!

I have seven weeks of vacation saved up. SEVEN WEEKS. How did that happen? I've already taken several weeks off at a time this year. So weird. And crazy.

So... where should I go? :)

Sharing the pain.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! indeed. What the hell part of EMMY WINNING does Fox not understand...? Fucking America and their fucking need for blood and guts and gore and violence. How about a LITTLE HUMOR for a change, for Christ's sake?!? Read the fucking NEWSPAPER for your blood and guts and gore and violence.

Ahem. Sorry, I just really really really like this show. It made Monday worth looking forward to.

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No worries, Bluth-loving comrades. I am certain that some cable channel will pick it up and run with it. It just better not be HBO, because I don't get that channel, is all I have to say.

What's not to love?

I never watch MTV and I haven't read Spin in eons (until yesterday at the airport - it's such an airport magazine) so I'm a little slow on the pop culture uptake these days.

I liked their music a lot before seeing any of their videos, but now I just have to say that I am so in love with all four members of Franz Ferdinand.* It's quite pathetic, really.

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* For the easily-startled or "hardly working" IE users - this link opens up their latest video which automatically starts playing. I don't know how to get it to play in Firefox. Anyway, allegedly, the lyrics for this song came directly from conversations overheard at a party. I'm such a sucker for art imitating life imitating art.

And stop calling me Shirley.

On the flight to Southern California yesterday, I sat next to a woman who found out this weekend (while on a business trip in San Francisco) that she'd lost her house in the tornados in Indiana. LOST HER HOUSE. Literally. According to witnesses she'd spoken to on the phone, the roof was blown off, everything got sucked up through the hole, and her house was ripped off the foundation and carried 300 feet away. She was holding up pretty well, considering she hadn't seen the damage and she had no idea what was still there, where she would stay in the meantime, if she even still had her car...

I walked off the plane marveling at her ability to revel in the fact that she and her husband, and their animals, were not on the property at the time. Instead of getting mired down in the loss and sadness of the whole thing, she was thankful for what she still had. Truly inspiring lesson for us all.

And then on the flight home tonight, I sat two rows up from someone who apparently passed out on the flight. It was really interesting to see the flight attendants react - they were immediately by her side, on headsets talking with (what I guess were) medical assistants, on the loudspeaker asking if there were any medics on the flight. And all the while graciously apologizing to the folks who'd ordered drinks that they were not going to get during that flight.

These events were interesting and inspiring and memorable, but next time I fly can I just have one of those jive dudes in the seat next to me? I can help - I speak jive.

Soy un perdedor.

Note to self - next time you think about bringing the folks out for the holidays, check the expiration date on your free tickets BEFORE offering.

Note to readers - if you have an expired free Southwest ticket, you can get the expiration date extended for a mere $50. Ask me how. Might not seem worth it for an in-state flight, but for a coast-to-coast trek over the holidays, it is. She says, four hundred fifty bitter dollars later...

The senior rates at Southwest are also quite good... if you happen to be flying a senior who wasn't going to change their mind about coming out after hearing that their return flight would land at home after midnight with an hour's drive still ahead.

HA-ha!

I cannot help but gloat that all of Arnie's propositions were vetoed by the general public in our state. I did actually read each proposition, do additional research, and make educated decisions about all of them. But I can't say I'm surprised that a lot of people "just said no" on principal alone. And I can't say I completely agree with that - but I can't say I completely disagree either.

And yes, I was dismayed but not shocked that Prop 73 was as close as it was... Did those "yes" voters not see Dirty Dancing, for Christ's sake??

In other election news... BOO to the Bible Belt.* YAY to the Borough.

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* I can't make excuses for Texas. I gave that up a long, long time ago. But Kansas? I know there's not much going on in Kansas - wouldn't a few curved roads be a more interesting time investment than this issue, though?

Mon Dieu!

What the hell is going on in France?? I really need to get over this policy of not watching/reading the news for days at a time.

Don't forget to vote ...

... for the 2005 Weasel Awards! Winners announced November 8. Some were really hard choices, especially the weaseliest individual (it was really a toss up between Dubyah and Tom Cruise).

(Oh, and don't forget to vote in this election either.)

Oh, and seriously??

WTF happened to all my Firefox bookmarks, settings, etc?? They're all gone. All of them. And I swear I did NOTHING to cause that to happen.

Where were you when I needed you, Susan?

Why I suck at being a leader, exhibits A through H:

A. A leader must have the courage to act against an expert's advice. - James Callaghan

B. There's nothing more demoralizing than a leader who can't clearly articulate why we're doing what we're doing. - James Kouzes and Barry Posner

C. Whoever is providing leadership needs to be as fresh and thoughtful and reflective as possible to make the very best fight. - Faye Wattleton

D. Leadership can be thought of as a capacity to define oneself to others in a way that clarifies and expands a vision of the future. - Edwin H. Friedman

E. The art of leadership is saying no, not yes. It is very easy to say yes. - Tony Blair

F. Leadership should be born out of the understanding of the needs of those who would be affected by it. - Marian Anderson

G. I suppose leadership at one time meant muscles; but today it means getting along with people. - Indira Gandhi

H. Cautious, careful people, always casting about to preserve their reputation and social standing, never can bring about a reform. Those who are really in earnest must be willing to be anything or nothing in the world's estimation, and publicly and privately, in season and out, avow their sympathy with despised and persecuted ideas and their advocates, and bear the consequences. - Susan B. Anthony

TO JEANS!

Oh my God. I can't believe I forgot to mention this yesterday. After the offsite a few of us learned we could wear jeans to work whenever we didn't have any mucky-muck meetings.

Talk about the easiest way to boost morale. I gotta buy more jeans.

Hmmm...

They changed this Sunday's church sermon topic from "The Joy of Sex" to "The Joy of Friendship" recently. Unless I totally hallucinated that whole sex thing. I really don't think I did, though.

The church is right next to a middle school. Wonder if that had anything to do with it.

Or perhaps it's a conspiracy. "Just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you."

At least I don't have to go to church on Sunday now.

Start 'em young, I always say.

This made me laugh. Arrrr.

"You know how I know you're gay?"

Last night I saw 40-Year Old Virgin. On the Parkway's 2-for-1 night. Thank God.

Here is my review:

It was a guy flick. In case you couldn't tell from the quote used as a subject for this post.

That's cool - we have our flicks. You need yours. You want to imagine meeting a grandma as hot as Catherine Keener? Go for it. You want to think that doing nothing but asking questions is the way to seduce a girl? OK. You want to brag about your "accomplishments"? Whatever. While you do that, we'll be watching John Cusack movies and cursing the day that you were born.

I will say, in its defense, that the very end of this movie was worth EVERY SINGLE PENNY of my $2.50.

And damn, Paul Rudd is hot. But, even several movies later, I still don't know what it is about him.

I thought 30 was bad.

I have walked past Searching For Debra Winger so many times in the video store* because I thought it was about... well... what the hell happened to Debra Winger after Terms of Endearment.

But now I know it's about this. And it's by her. And I am soooooo renting it.

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* Yeah, I have Netflix. Yeah, I go to the video store. Just when I walk the long way home and pass by it... and have 2 more days till I get my next Netflix fix.

Yeah, I have no life. What of it??

"We accept you, one of us!"

Last night I watched Freaks for the first time. This movie made #15 on Bravo's list of 100 scariest movie moments.* I don't know... It was a very sad movie. But scary? I wasn't scared.

The only thing to really freak me out (no pun intended) was the armless, legless guy who lit his own smoke and squirmed across the ground like a snake. But then I started thinking, shit - if he can do that and seem to be at peace with it, what the hell am I always bitching about?

I am probably the only person I know who would find inspiration in a movie like this.

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* Jaws was #1? Seriously? The Exorcist and The Shining were way scarier than Jaws. It was a freakin' mechanical shark, for Pete's sake. And I don't care what you say, Freddie still creeps me out. Not as much as the silver ball flying down the hall in Phantasm, where about ten feet from the kid's head, metal spikes shoot out of it. And Pinhead? Hello?? Still gives me shivers.

So... What's YOUR favorite scary movie?

Note to self.

Stop volunteering for public speaking events even though it's a skill you would like to develop. Especially public speaking events that you think will be one thing, but that you know will morph into something stupid and impossible.