My heart hurts.

Oh, Hal. It's like a car wreck. But how can I NOT watch??

[Editor's note: This f'ing thing is TWO HOURS LONG??? Holy hell. Oh and despite the pain of the other "performers," Hal did remarkably well given that I only know of his love of KISS.

If only it was actually for charity. Or maybe if Michael Bolton or Randy Travis wasn't involved.]

A case of the Tuesdays.

Next time I decide to take a sick day, remind me not to do it on the anniversary of a major natural disaster and subsequent national debacle. Sooooo not helping the mood.

Right Said Nnej.

Usually I don't consider buying a magazine based solely on a cover caption. But today at the grocery store I resisted the urge to buy this. It was hard, but I resisted.

So sexy it hurts!

"Good evening, godless sodomites."

As he so blatantly pointed out during an award intro with Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert lost to BARRY MANILOW. That was the only time I laughed out loud during the show. There's still 47 minutes to go, but I'm pretty confident that my statement will hold out. (And still I watch. Every fucking awards show, I watch. MTV Video awards this Thursday! Have I seen a music video in the last 12 months? Nope! Will I watch? Hell yeah!)

Not coindendentally, all the Arrested Development (read: genius) actors lost. To? WHO THE HELL CARES? has-beens. Or who-the-hell-are-they? shows.

The Emmys are sooooo last year... Even Her Majesty agrees.

Musicpalooza.

There's now a DVD that recounts some of the more famous performances in the history of Coachella. Since I am officially proclaiming myself "too old" to attend a festival like that (3 days sleeping in a tent then standing and sweating in the dirt amongst thousands of young hippie types all day), I got to live vicariously for an hour and a half. Three observations:

1. Must download everything by this band.
2. These guys might be surprisingly good live.
3. (Found while poking around after seeing a brilliant performance on this DVD) So this is why they're so hard to see live.
   

Otherwise, unless you want to see the Pixies reunited, or Morrisey being... well, Morrisey, or you're curious about The Polyphonic Spree, I recommend skipping the DVD and attending the show instead.

I also finally got around to renting this, which chronicles the work of Spike Jonze's musical adventures. Three revelations:

1. Spike went backward before going backward was cool.
   
2. Chris Walken can dance! But you probably already knew that.
   
3. Oh, HE'S the one that did that genius Fatboy Slim video. I'd forgotten all about that.
   

There's also a fascinating documentary about rodeo boys in Amarillo, which I found much more succinct and engaging than this documentary about country boys.

(Oh and also, I still. Still. STILL. love Adam Horovitz.)

Arrrr.

That does it. I'm moving to Portland.

"Everybody just pretend to be normal, okay?"

You know, about 10 minutes after it starts, how it's going to end. It's the in-between that is worth the price of admission.

Gasp and swoon, an actual Friday five.

Five things that made me tired this week, in no particular order:

• squirrels on my balcony, irritating my cat and eating the birdseed (at least they were merry)
• hearing "this powerpoint is great, but it doesn't tell a story" ... OK, I'll get on that, right after nap time - what are we, in kindergarten, for Christ's sake??
• the third phone interview for the third job I have not actually applied for, where people are eager to hire me to do the same job I'm doing now (a.k.a. the job I am least interested in doing), for the same money, plus a longer commute
• drama drama drama drama drama
  
• staying up too late and getting up too early... not funny - but true
  

Probably shouldn't post this on ye ole dubya dubya dubya...

(But when has that ever stopped me before?)

I went in search of specific photos tonight. I have so many of them, I just know I do. Sadly, it seems that I left all my bershon photos in Maryland. Here in my California apartment, I do have lots of photos of me + alcohol! Go figure.

But in the true spirit of bershon, I bring you the shark gingerbread house. Created by me and another clearly-single person, upon completion it sat in a coworker's office until I noticed bugs crawling on it about a year later. Note the attention to detail! The gummy heads on stakes! The food coloring running down the fangs at the front door! What bitter creativity! Low sodium! No calories!

Weekend box-office summary: IT WAS NUMBER ONE, BABY!!

Email from a friend:

> Subject: Snakes on a Plane Soundtrack
>
> This is the first time I've looked at an album on iTunes and seen the
> little "Explicit" label on EVERY SINGLE SONG.

My reply:

> That's because it's SNAKES... ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!!!

I can't wait to see this movie.

I like to watch.

Last week I did an exercise in which I had to state where I fell on the "relationship/task" continuum. You'll be shocked to learn that I was practically falling off the edge of "relationship."

Later that day I did another exercise in which I had to state what drains me, what re-energizes me, and something else. I thought the answer I gave to "what re-energizes me" was pretty lame at the time - I said I liked being alone and watching lots of TV. Lame ... but true. I also like to hike and write and be artsy and do charitable work, but under the pressure to answer the question those replies didn't occur to me. (Or maybe I was just thinking about what I'd rather be doing at the moment the question was posed.)

Today I was thinking about my answer, and I decided it's actually not lame. I was a sociology major in college - I was taught to observe. With TV, with most media actually, I don't care much about the plot. I just enjoy observing how people interact with each other. It's fairly easy to skip past the Hollywood spin of "how people are supposed to act" and find the real world of "how people do act."

And the best part is that I don't have to be personally involved with any of them.

Keys left hanging in a swinging door.

This is the third month in a row I've forgotten to pay a bill. It's been a different bill every time, but this month I got dinged because it was a credit card bill.

Considering my wall calendar is still on July, and my America: the Calendar daily calendar hasn't progressed past August 1, I'm doubting one of these on my desk at home would do me any good. If I keep forgetting to pay my credit card bill, I won't be able to afford it anyway...

________________
Really now. $88? Who actually buys those things??

Belated Friday five.

Five memorable things about my Half Dome hike this weekend, in no particular order:

• Waiting at a 45 degree angle to go up the cables during the last 900 feet of the hike.

• After making it to the top and enjoying lunch and the view, waiting at a 45 degree angle to go down the cables while the MOTHERFUCKING JACKASS who stopped right in front of me halfway down flirted with some girl, who was on her way up, and after about FIVE EXCRUCIATING CABLE-HOLDING minutes (complete with me saying "yeah could you move it along now?!" several times VERY LOUDLY) had the gall to ask for her phone number. He's the one on the right - I wish I had a shot of his head so that if you ever saw him, you could hit him upside it. (My arms didn't have the strength after the climb up and down.)
• Literally THE only acceptable phone message to leave using your cell phone while resting at the top of the peak, amongst the many I overheard: "Yeah, hi, this is [insert name] - I just got your message, sorry about missing work today... um, , I totally spaced and I take full responsibility... I'm at Yosemite right now so I won't be coming in... so yeah, I'll talk to you next week." (Also known as, every phone message I will now leave every time I don't feel like going to work.)
• The cloud that looked like a chocolate Easter bunny.
• Looking at the full hike the next day and saying with nonchalance, "yeah, we did that."

On the other hand ...

... today I spent a good portion of the day looking around in admiration at these really smart people I have the privilege to work with. (Well, most of them are really smart, anyway.) It occurred to me that instead of bitching and moaning about my self-imposed weaknesses, I should be grateful and honored that I was asked to participate, and participate to whatever extent I am comfortable and confident.

Then I got a little sad about the thought of leaving because I wouldn't be working with these people anymore.

Then I thought about day-to-day life at work and remembered that I could always meet these people for happy hour after I start a job I actually enjoy ...

Two reminders to visit the strangers to the left.

Exhibit A. (I can't stop laughing.)

Exhibit B. (Although I'd venture to say that she looks more like a Garbage Pail Kid, or that scary little girl in Finding Nemo... or an Eels album cover... than anything Tim Burton could come up with. But I have to agree with the "looks like something a emo girl would have tattooed on her lower back and then publish a picture of on her MySpace page" sentiment.)

"But mostly I call him Dairy Queen."

This makes me very sad.

But not nearly as sad (and disgusted) as this. (Don't click on it. Just don't. I seriously hope this dude is completely mentally incapacitated. Otherwise... I know people who have guns that I can borrow. And I know how to use them.)

And now for some cute animal cruelty! (Click on this link. Please. Click. Now. It's nauseatingly cute. The 2 min 10 second mark brings you this exasperated beratement from the owner: "Tsk... He just doesn't care.") Well, um, yeah. Because he's a TURTLE. A damn cute turtle.

Yunno... If I had any kind of sophisticated videocam ability, I would soooo be YouTubing Her Majesty's recent fondness for "swimming" (where she lies on her back and waves her arms in the air when I rub her tummy).

Thank GOD I do not have any kind of sophisticated videocam ability.

Somewhat related... I was reading a New Yorker article on the evolution of Wikipedia today, and the founder basically said one of the few checks and balances about posting on the site - content must have been published previously - was developed to ensure that the site didn't turn into people paying homage to their pets.

Appropos of nothing, today's featured Wikipedia article is about cane toads. "Sometimes I call him Greeny, sometimes I call him Red, sometimes I call him Cane..."

Next thing you know, I'll be a football wife.

For someone who has deliberately removed ESPN, ESPN2 and any other sports networks from her pre-programmed TV scanning, I sure have watched a lot of sports entertainment this weekend.

I'm in the process of finishing up Sports Night.* I really don't understand why they cancelled this show, other than the observation that, as with most second seasons, this one's second season is slightly weak. They're busting out all this relationship crap, and someone's in therapy, and now the two co-anchors are fighting about salaries and status. I'm pretty sure that given another go, the third season would've come around and I'd still be watching the show on network TV. But then Peter Krause wouldn't have done Six Feet Under, and... Well, in the end, I guess the tradeoff was fair.

And then today I saw Tassafranga... Tallafrasca... That Will Ferrell Nascar movie. (I can never remember the real name of the place.) It was as good as "they" say. Kinda like Dodgeball, only kicked up a few notches with all the visible ad-libbing and Ferrell's stellar-yet-subtle parody of George Bush throughout the film.

________________
*I'm starting to think the networks have it in for Ron Howard. Both Sports Night and Arrested Development were cancelled after two seasons.

... I guess it takes more than two occurrences, and the same network responsible for both, to make it a true conspiracy though.

New slang.

The best part about being done with marathon training is that I don't have to bug other people to F5 the ticketbastard site at 10am every other Sunday to buy me tickets to a show.

And the best part about today is that I got a ticket for the Decemberists in October. This is turning out to be the year of good shows.

They're crumbelievable.

I have recently fallen in love with Stacy's Pita Chips and Morningstar Farms Chik'n Strips. (Though it still bugs me when meatless products call themselves "Chik'n.")

I'm now on a mission to find new favorite foods that ends in "ips."

They say I'm mental but I'm just confused.

Make that three times this past week I've run (if you assume a Sunday->Saturday week). The original plan was to run around the lake twice, just to get some distance in since I'm no longer running those long Sunday runs. But it was hot. And I forgot my iPod armband holder thingie so I had to hold it the whole time. And I didn't have any water with me. And it was hot. And I'd only eaten some yogurt and granola all day. And did I mention it was hot?

It's not that I couldn't have run around twice, easily. I hope I can get back into the mentality of running longer distances by myself. If not, or at least until the weather cools off, I hope running 3 miles 5 times a week burns as many calories as running 5 miles 3 times a week.

And I hope I can drag my ass out of bed 5 mornings a week.

Belated Friday five.

• 5 = days I actually had to work last week (oh the HORROR!!).
• 4 = songs they played last night that I really, really wanted to hear (my favorite song, my next misguided wedding song, that song that all the older folks in the crowd knew because they play it on KFOG and it's not their greatest song by far but it always puts me in a good mood, and the song I dedicate to work).
• 3 = I forget what 3 was for.
  
• 2 = times I ran last week (it was supposed to be 4, oh well).
  
• 1 = weekends in the past year I've slept past noon (today).
  

When I woke up tonight I said I'm gonna make somebody buy product.

I don't care that selling out isn't really selling out if you're a small(ish) band that is just trying to make some money. I don't care if it exposes you to new audiences and helps you pay for your tour expenses and hookers and drugs.

However!! It REALLY bugs me that I just heard a somewhat clever Franz Ferdinand song as the background to some hair product commercial. And the other oldie but goodie that soon followed - ""CRUMBELIEVABLE""??? The dumbest, yet catchiest, and best, (and only?) song EMF ever did is selling a goddamned Kraft product for people too lazy to shred cheese??

I know I'm repeating myself, but PEOPLE, PLEASE. This is even worse than no one making a decent, brand-new movie because all the movie makers are too lazy to create something new. Instead they just want to remake, sequel, remake, sequel, remake*.

________________
* Oh come on. It's been made in some shape or form already.

First rule of life: never call it "a case of the Mondays."

That's how my day was. From cover sheets on the TPS reports... to flair... to 'can I get that in cornflower blue?'...

Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam?

This is my life and it's ending one minute at a time.

43 lines about one woman.

> 1. FIRST NAME? jennifer
> 2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? i believe my name is informally carried on from the countless virginias of the family
> 3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? some bloody soup commercial, i'm sure
> 4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? not at all
> 5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? morningstar farms "chicken" patty
> 6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? most days, yes
> 7. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? exhibit a.
> 8. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? who, me? neeeeeeeeverrrrrrrrrrrrr.
> 9. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? yes
> 10. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? no but i want to skydive someday soon
> 11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? grape nuts
> 12. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? yes - how else would I take them off?
> 13. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? most days, yes
> 14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? ben & jerrys peanut butter cup
> 15. WHAT SIZE SHOE? 7
> 16. RED OR PINK? neither
> 17. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? my temper
> 18. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? at the moment, riley
> 19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? raiders satin jammies (yeah baby) and no shoes
> 20. LAST THING YOU ATE? carrots and a piece of buttermilk oatmeal bread
> 21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? alton brown's new show
> 22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? cerulean - cool name, vibrant color
> 23. FAVORITE SMELL? fresh baked bread
> 24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? a friend from my unpaid job
> 25. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? left hand, ring finger
> 26. FAVORITE DRINK? a good merlot
> 27. FAVORITE SPORT? hockey
> 28. EYE COLOR? hazel
> 29. HAT SIZE? small
> 30. CONTACTS? sometimes
> 31. FAVORITE FOOD? pizza
> 32. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? scary movies
> 33. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIES? clerks 2
> 34. COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? white (with raiders logo... i am all about the coordinated jammies, my friend)
> 35. SUMMER OR WINTER? winter
> 36. HUGS OR KISSES? hugs
> 37. FAVORITE DESSERT? fruit... or a nice port
> 38. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? the brothers k
> 39. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? a ouija board
> 40. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? behind the scenes on good eats, then a bunch of sports night episodes on dvd (i forgot what a great show that was)
> 41. ROLLING STONE OR BEATLES? beatles
> 42. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? sydney
> 43. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? maryland

I wish my cousin would stop sending me these things. I just cannot resist no matter how hard I try. Or, I wish the questions were about things people might be interested in. Cupie doll for the person who asks the most bizarre question in the comments...

Of all the entries in The Office promo contest...

... and believe me, I just wasted a shitload of time watching a bunch of them ... I think this one is my favorite.

This one hit a little too close to home, though.

I am buying all their albums IMMEDIATELY.

Four guys + one fun song + six treadmills + one take = another GENIUS video from OK Go...

Technology at its finest.

I was doing a little shopping yesterday and overheard two teenage cashiers talking about the girl's failing relationship. The girl mentioned that she was going to have to end it, and joked that she might just put it on his MySpace page.

Now, I knew Kid Rock was lame, but I never thought he could be even lamer than a teenage girl's bad joke.

Why I am single ...

... exhibit #679.

Ever since I read this, it's been really hard to watch her show without wanting to throw things at the screen whenever his face appears. She adored him, clearly, and this is how he pays her back... Niiiiiice.

This is the life.

Woke up fairly early, spent an hour at the gym. Came home and enjoyed a leisurely breakfast before heading to the city for a facial. Did a little shopping, went to a volunteer meeting, then headed to ceramics class.

Oh yeah, I could be retired.

Breaking news!!

We interrupt this blog to bring you BREAKING NEWS!! We just had an earthquake... We don't know the magnitude, the damage or if there were any injuries. We just wanted to plant a little fear in your House-watching hearts!!

And now, back to your show.

Why I love Owen Wilson...

... exhibit #427.

(I dunno why but this really made me laugh.)

Damn Yankees.

And this was like Fight Club meets Bend It Like Beckham meets The Outsiders... Only a little more predictable.

However! At least I got my ironing done while I was watching it.

All I want for Christmas is...

... this guy. Or maybe these guys.

And suddenly, the plot thickens.

I got REALLY SICK of hearing about the Mel Gibson debacle REALLY QUICKLY... Especially being on vacation this week and doing lots of channel surfing during my extended breakfasts. Even CNN was covering the story, every hour on the hour, for pete's sake. It was all too stupid and attention-grabbing and "so what if Jesus was Jewish Mel made a lot of fucking money off that 'film'."

Then I heard that he had to halt plans for a miniseries about the Holocaust... and I just had to sigh at the irony. And hope for his swift demise. Or at least pray for a good South Park episode about the whole thing.

If there is a God in heaven, Tom will be next...

"Sir, this is the DMV, not a dating service."

It was like Fight Club meets Memento meets "Sloth" from Se7en... Only a little more predictable.

However! Never let it be said that Christian Bale will not go to extremes for a character role. {Yeeeeeesh.}

Can I call 'em or what...

I was pretty much right on the mark on this one, only I DID get the jokes - I just didn't think they were funny. Whatever keeps Jason Mewes sober, I guess. Kevin Smith does have a knack for creating believably intimate scenes* between characters, I will give him that. (And the Star Wars/LOTR scene did make me laugh out loud several times.)

On the other side of the genre spectrum was Shopgirl. I think I liked it. Mostly, it just made me sad. But I'm liking Jason Schwartzman more and more.

________________
* To clarify, I'm not referring to the donkey/Sexy Stud scene - I mean the ones between Becky and Dante. (Yeah, it was that kind of movie. Sigh.)