The list! The list!

I found it in one of the database development books I borrowed from the library eons ago and kept renewing online. If memory serves, while I was unemployed I was reading one of these books, got bored and started the list. Haven't touched the books since but they are due tomorrow so this morning I grabbed them to put in my backpack... and there it was.

It's inspired by this list, but instead of doing a true "bucket list," I decided to do a list of things I want to do before I retire (and if all goes according to plan, I must do one thing per year before retirement, assuming that my retirement happens at age 65 - conservatively or optimistically speaking, depending on your perspective).

So here we go. In no particular order, subject to change at my discretion (as long as anything that's deleted is replaced by something equally or more awesome), and subject to my being able to complete more than one thing per year (which will require adding something else to the list), I bring you my goals for the next 32 years...

1. Learn to surf. March 2010
2. Watch a major surfing competition firsthand. Mavericks would be fun. But I won't be too specific here. (Note: I made this list in the midst of watching several surfing movies.)
3. Go to Antarctica. February/March 2010
4. Rent Pacific Northwest beach front property for a month or longer. Housesitting on Orcas Island counts. February 2016
5. Kayak for a week in Alaska.
6. Visit Krakow. October 2013
7. Buy a house. October 2018
8. Swim with great white sharks.
9. Get my scuba diving certification. (Maybe before swimming with great white sharks.)  July 2014
10. Venture into another element and sky dive. August 2009
11. Attend South By Southwest. As of January 2026, I no longer want to do this, so I'm replacing it with "See Frank Turner at least 20 times." 
12. Drive a stick shift. Er... drive a stick shift well.  August 2013... well enough.
13. Read War & Peace.
14. Sell handmade cards for real, actual money. December 2008
15. Go to a Broadway show in NYC.
16. Visit Macallan World. (Kinda like Disneyworld. But, not at all like Disneyworld.) As of June 2010 Macallan World is closed. Sadness. This item hereby replaced with "Travel around the world for a consecutive year or more." April 2014
17. Learn to fly a plane. As of January 2026, I no longer want to do this, but I'm not sure what to replace it with.
18. Beat my brother at Monopoly. Or any game other than Trivial Pursuit, 90's version, for that matter. January 2011
19. Learn woodworking.
20. Go on an African safari.
21. Learn conversational Spanish.
22. Take an acting or improv class. Spring 2009
23. Read The Fountainhead. November 2008
24. Go back to Ireland.
25. See the pyramids. Not the lame one in Rome, which I've seen... I mean the real pyramids.
26. Hike to the top of Longs Peak.
27. Go to New Zealand. February 2012
28. Hang glide.
29. Drink vodka in Kamchatka. As of January 2026, I no longer want to do this so I'm replacing it with "Drink Scotch whisky in Scotland." September 2025 (and yes it counts if it already happened).
30. Learn how to swing dance. As of January 2026, I no longer want to do this, but I'm not sure what to replace it with.
31. Get published. In anything, anywhere, by anyone. November 2011
32. Fly a kite. (Really. It looks fun. Never done it successfully.) January 2010

All this is in between saving the world on a daily basis, of course. Which should bring me to age 65, at which point I will make a new list. Since I'm already 6 months late I should probably start reading one of those books and planning 2009. I think 2010 is covered.

So, what's on your "before I retire" list?

Another reason to shun the interweb.

I try not to do too many things at once online. I have this suspicion that somehow Google or Bill Gates knows - and keeps track of - what bills I'm paying, what movies I'm queuing, what fugs I'm gawking at. And if Google knows, surely the government knows. And if Bill Gates knows, I'm screwed. So when paying bills or doing basically anything on the interweb, I make sure I'm logged out of everything else.*

I realize that some companies check you out on MySpace or Facebook during the hiring process. I don't agree with this process (who I am at work has no bearing on who I am at home, now check my references and otherwise mind your own damn business already) but in the interest of not offending my former-high-school-currently-adamant-Christian acquaintances I try to keep my Facebook statuses (stati?) clean.

Once hired, I don't do anything identifying online at work other than check email and Google reader. My personal emails are fairly innocuous and if my current company fires me for catching up on my cheezburgers at lunch, well, then, it probably wasn't going to work out anyway.

Why am I rambling about this? I'll tell you.

I just donated to the "McCain, WTF" campaign because according to the email from Barack Obama in my inbox right now, McCain is "mocking the desire of millions of Americans to step up and take ownership of the political process" and lord knows we can't have that. And also I am going to get really tired of hearing "McCain campaign" on CNN really soon. It RHYMES. That's annoying.

So anything I can do to support the guy I want to win, I'll do.

The site said they are required "by law" to collect employer information on donations over $200. I plan to vote for him but I am growing weary of all the campaign emails flooding my inbox, and also I plan to buy a house someday soon, so my donation was far less than $200. My employer for this purpose was "Ididnot" and my occupation was "donatemorethan$200." Hey Senator Obama, it's called conditionally requiring fields. Look into it.

P.S. And good luck!

________________
* LIKE IT MATTERS. Hi, Congress!

Hey look - a Pacific Northwest tree octopus!

Very interesting article in the NYT yesterday about whether online reading really "counts" as reading. In addition to questioning the truthiness of information on the interweb, it mentions some of the same ADD theories I expressed a few weeks ago, as well as a concept involving interweb proficiency testing alongside print reading comprehension. I never theorized about that. Not sure I agree with it.

Then again, not sure I agree with allowing a high school student who does not plan to move to Quebec or Paris immediately upon graduation, to complete 5.5 years of French instead of the far-more-useful Spanish. (Dumb, dumb, possibly the dumbest choice related to my education that I have ever made.)

Also of interest - the concept of paying kids to learn. CNN has been airing a series of interviews, panel discussions and op-eds of sorts on being black in America. (Opportunistic marketing ploy to gain viewers and/or sway the vote given the current presidential race, or capitalizing on the current presidential race to raise awareness and encourage discussion on a very important topic? Unclear. I put nothing past CNN.)

Anyway, the other day I caught a piece on education where an economist had piloted a controversial program that paid kids to earn good grades. One semester of good grades earned them $250, which some actually said would go in the bank for their college education.

Why is this controversial? I used to get $5 for every A and B in middle and high school. (I seem to recall this being a ploy to get my brother to try to get his grades up. It didn't work out so well. But I got new shoes so I didn't care!)

I don't know. The education system, just like the justice system and the health care system and the welfare system and the [lather rinse repeat] system are fucked. Such is life in a capitalist society. Until morality returns and doing something for the greater good is the core value in this country, these children have lost their village.

Thank God for you young whippersnappers, and the fine folks at MoveOn and Credo and of course the Obama '08 campaign. Barring political emergencies requiring mass protests, I'll send you money, but I've got Dr. Horrible to watch for the nineteen thousandth time.

Slightly late or really early Friday five.

Five excerpts from a recent 50(ish) questions email request from my oldest friend, which do not have to do with what I had for lunch, in numeric order:

2. Diamonds or pearls? Pearls

10. What characteristic do you despise? jealousy

14. Where would you retire to? Ashland, OR is high up on the list, actually...

19. Morning person or a night person? eh... I'm a mid-afternoon person

43. What are you afraid of? tarantulas, guns

There's something I don't know about most of my friends. What are you afraid of? (Not in the death and dying hit by a bus grand scheme of things - I mean the little daily things?)

The medical mystery that is Her Majesty.

First there were the seasonal allergies. What cat gets seasonal allergies, for pete's shakes, you might ask? My cat. Repeatedly. That's what cat.

Next was the FUO, not to be confused with UFOs or FUs. But the truth wasn't out there, and they never did figure out what was going on. No repeat occurrences of that one, thank God.

And now, after a fun bout of projectile-vomiting Friday morning followed by a few days of sporadic eating, general-but-not-overly-worrysome lethargy and rather worrysome trouble jumping up to/down from high places with no other obvious symptoms, the vet thinks it could be either:

- something pancreatic, which the blood test should reveal and which should work itself out sooner or later;

OR (and this one's my favorite of ALL the mystery ailments)

- that she pulled a muscle under her rib during the aforementioned projectile-vomiting session.

I'm totally sure it's the latter. Anything less would not be her style.


Look how innocent she looks after a $200 vet trip and two syringes of pain medicine. Damn cat.

"Hold me close, don't ev-AH let me go-oooo..."

Did anyone else slow dance to Extreme's "More Than Words" in 1991?

Has anyone other than me heard it as recently as this morning on the radio, started to sing along out of nostalgia, realized what it was about and been slightly appalled?

(No? It's just me?)

Forget censoring sex on TV. Let's start with bad pop music and go from there.

"Everything's gonna get lighter, even if it never gets better."

Friday night at the gym I was thinking about how, two years later, this is still true.

You would think that after hundreds of runs and hundreds of miles it would get easier, or at least more tolerable. But no. The first part of the sucking only lasts about 1.5 miles now, and I've significantly increased my mph so that 1.5 miles takes far less time than it did two years ago, so I guess I've got that going for me. But still.

On a related note, I think it's funny that after hundreds of runs and hundreds of miles, I still want to break into the Charlie Brown dance when "Hey Ya" comes on. And then I think about breaking into the Charlie Brown dance and then play the Charlie Brown dance to this song in my head and then I start laughing and then I almost fall off the treadmill. It's a vicious cycle, people.

"The liver is evil. Must be punished."

Five beers I tasted today at the Oregon Brewer's Festival downtown, in the order I liked them:

• Bell's Porter - Bell's Brewery, Comstock, MI
• Celis White Belgian Wit - Michigan Brewing Co., Webberville, MI
• Resurrection Rye IPA - Collaborator, Portland, OR
• Coffee Bender - Surly Brewing Co, Brooklyn Center, MN
• Rocket Dog Red Rye IPA - Laughing Dog Brewing, Ponderay, ID

I tried to steer clear of Portland brews and Oregon brews in general since I can probably get them almost anytime. But there were too many people, and I love rye bread (which is probably irrelevant), and at the time I don't think I'd ever actually had a rye beer so I hit the Collaborator stand. Turned out to be a good choice and an interesting project (click the link). The Rocket Dog Red Rye IPA was less satisfying.

I wanted to try the Quilter's Irish Death Dark Ale from Iron Horse Brewery (Ellensburg,WA) or the Allagash White Belgian-Style Wheat Beer from Allagash Brewing Co. (Portland,ME) but the line for both was practically out the tent which would've meant a good 30 minute wait. It probably also would've meant a really good beer. Alas. Next year I hope to go with friends, old or new, so that standing in line for 30 minutes amongst 5,000 drunk people won't be absolutely intolerable.

I also deliberately picked one interesting brew I might not otherwise try, hence the Coffee Bender (which was weird, but strangely good, but weird). Yes, it tasted and smelled like coffee. Weird, right?

I was going to head over to the PDX Pop Now music festival afterward, but it was hot, and there was laundry to be done and a sick cat to be kept under observation in case an emergency vet trip was needed. But mostly I found out this morning that I could stream it live instead of actually having to be there. My own beer, my own couch, my own smoke-free air, my own bathroom, no annoying youngster hipsters, same live music which I can turn off whenever I want when bands like this come onto the stage = MAGIC. I {heart} the interweb.

________________
Subject line is from a t-shirt at the festival. Another t-shirt read "Slow and steady wins the race. Except in a real race." Many more I didn't write down. Note to self: find kitschy t-shirt to wear to next year's festival.

One guy actually had a Coors Brewing Co. t-shirt on... I seriously hope he seriously got his ass seriously kicked at some point. Seriously. (I used to live upwind from the CBC - I can say such things.)

"Do as I say and you live."

When we were doing "get to know you" intros at my first big meeting at work a few weeks ago, we were supposed to say something about ourselves that other people might not know. No one knew anything about me so the possibilities were endless. I called upon a few recent hiking experiences (including this one) and decided to say that I liked snakes.

The way people gasped and stared, you would've thought I said I ate fried caterpillars every night, or had a tattoo of Weird Al on my leg, or that I loved Gigli. One girl even looked at me and said "you just gave me goose bumps."

So now, in the interest of more things people don't know about me I'm going to print this baby and hang it on the outside of my cube. It's sure to be a geek magnet, and I can find out who my friends really are.

And then we can go to lunch for some nom nom noming and LOLing.

Belated Friday five.

Five questions I answered this morning on my most recent online dating site adventure, in no particular order...

From the general questions:
"Q: Is there a God?"
A: Yes, and his name is Joss Whedon. (Except that I can't put THAT answer in, I can only choose Yes or No. I chose "No.")

From the signature weapon test:
"Q: Your ideal weapon has a sharp blade, yes?"
"A: Yes, it parts the air with a finely honed edge." (Runner up: "Not unless they make some kind of... sword ... gun." Because that would be funny looking.)

{turns out my ideal signature weapon is a halberd. "Possibly the most versatile polearm ever made, the Halberd is an elegant mix of spear and staff, remaining relatively light while having an effective cutting edge and stabbing point. Your enemies will never get near you; your personal space will be as unreachable as a faraway land." How very goth.}

From the "Which Chess Piece Are You" quiz:
Q: Which would you rather commit:
A: Investing effort in obsolete tradition? ~ OR ~ Trying to change something that can't be improved on? (Good lord, that's a hard one. I still celebrate Christmas, so I guess I'll pick the first one.)

{turns out I'm a "Knight’s City Guard" - in other words, a PAWN. Greeeaaaaat. But it's kinda true: "Pawns are... often forgotten because they are so reliable... loyal and great producers of quality – which end up allowing others to take for granted what the City Guard gives ... can be overworked and suffer from self inflicted headaches... tend to feel a bit harried by supervisory roles... concerned with harmony and traditional behavior... have a few close friends and are extremely loyal... hate confrontation... the diplomat of emotions and needs... society’s most constructive and protective member."}

From the Are You Weird test:
"Q: Do you like cheese?"
A: OK, what kind of question is that, and why does saying "yes oh hell yes yes" make me weird?

{Turns out I am 48% weird. I can live with that.}

From the Dating Persona Test:
"Q: Two people are arrested for stealing. Person A stole to feed his starving family. Person B stole for himself. Should Person A get less jail time?"
A: This one was hard. In the end I chose "no" because of all the inconsistency that's already in the justice system, and to add even more based on circumstantial evidence seemed like a bad idea... with the caveat, "but the money spent on jailing them both would be better spent on our social services system."

{I'm a sonnet, whatever the hell that means.}

And just for fun, the results from the Ultimate Buffy Test: "Damn. Not only have you died twice doing what you do, but no one understands your burden and you find yourself disturbingly attracted to vampires. You are the ultimate repository of what it takes to be the Slayer, and no one can tell you otherwise. If you don't own all seven seasons on DVD {I do}, it's cause they haven't been released in your country yet. I am in total awe of you, and maybe just the tiniest bit creeped out."

And now some of you want to take the Buffy test. I just know it.

Riding on the coattails of the Shoe Fairy interweb viral marketing campaign...

...I bring you dueling banjos, HIMYM stylie, that made this crappy talk show worth watching just for a day.

(I actually saw the original when it aired. On THE MEGAN MULLALY SHOW. Not sure what that says about me.)

Friday five.

Best week ever Friday five, in spite of other events this week, in no particular order:

• my new singsong for playtime with Her Majesty
• Jessica finds the truth
  
• I waaaaaaaaaaaaant one
• these kids (followed closely by these kids) know they can dance
• everything on this list, particularly this thing... I mean, if I had a fireplace
  

No offense to Estelle Getty's peeps, of course.

So first there was my aunt. Then today I heard some tragic news from a friend and I've been quite shaken all day. (Tip - never open an email with the subject line "bad news" on public transit! Trust me on this one.)

Given my "3's" trend, I really, really hope Estelle Getty is #3.

I think I need to move "meet people" up on my to-do list. In general I'm fine with taking my time getting to know my new town and figuring out what kind of people I'd like to befriend. But I've only really shared these recent events with my new boss, in an attempt to explain my flakiness and/or emotional instability on the days I learned of such events. (She caught me sniffling today at lunch when I was trying to compose any kind of rational thought to my friend in response to the tragedy.) It's times like these I wish I had someone a little bit closer to me, that I could eat ice cream with.

In the meantime, Her Majesty will have to do.

"Try to behave, be happy that they made you a celebrity."

So my favorite Barenaked Lady got arrested for what appears to be snorting coke in his own apartment using a rolled up Canadian dollar (as an extra-special "F-U" to America, I guess), and now my favorite Batman is being charged with assault on his own family members.

My not so favorite Lindsay is gay, Amy Winehouse was surprised to learn she wasn't already dead, Eva Longoria was so desperate for a haircut that she had her husband do it, and Pete Doherty is in the news. AGAIN. (And again, and again.)

Yawn.

What I really want to know: why wasn't I told before now that Bob Geldof's daughter was named Peaches??

On love and berets.

A few favorite quotes from my aforementioned current read:

"People get themselves all steamed up about whether they're in love or not, and can't work it out, and their decisions all go to pot. It's happening every day. They ought to realize that the love part's perfectly easy; the hard part is the working-out, not about love, but about what they're going to do. The difference is that they can get their brains going on that, instead of taking the sound of the word love as a signal for switching them off. They can get somewhere, instead of indulging in a sort of orgy of emotional self-catechising about how you know you're in love, and what love is anyway, and all the rest of it. You don't ask yourself what greengages are, or how you know whether you like them or not, do you?"

And on everyone's favorite head-topper:

"[Bertrand]was wearing a blue beret, which had much the same effect on Dixon as Welch senior's fishing hat. If such headgear was a protection, what was it a protection against? If it wasn't a protection, what was it? What was it for? What was it for?"

My name is Jen(n), and I'm a yuppie.

Yesterday I went to a public meeting about land use planning. It was the first time I'd been to a public meeting that was not about crime. So that was exciting.

As an aside, the meeting was sponsored by a local art school, the same one that sponsored Billy Bragg a few months ago. They currently have an exhibit featuring several architects/designers' views on how the city will look when it is accommodating a million more people than it is now (e.t.a. = soon = YIKES). I learned some interesting things, namely that I really like the approach the mayor-elect has toward city planning. Most of the designers were focused on how to build a neighborhood around a green space, but he suggested the radical idea of talking to neighborhood people and thinking about what those people - and the million new people - will need in 20, 30, 40 years (social services, retirement homes, walkable grocery stores, etc). To be fair I think the assignment for the architects was to build in green space, which is a bit worrysome and which shows you where Portland's mind is today. A million people more is a lot of people... it's time to start thinking outside the box. End of aside.

After the meeting I stopped by Whole Foods. I didn't get charged for my expensive organic spinach, but I didn't complain. I felt a bit out of place amongst the goths and crunchy granolas in my business skirt and button down shirt. Hey, it's laundry week. There's plenty more where that came from.

And then on the way home I read my yuppie book, which I wasn't really enjoying until recently, and halfheartedly listened to two strangers debating the cover article in some yuppie magazine one guy was reading.

To counter all the activities from yesterday, today I will listen to the Dead Milkmen, forget to pay a bill and eat potato chips for lunch. Good times!

I've got a theory...

I ran across a reference to the world's sexiest Anderson Cooper lookalike (and cat), the other day.

When I had picked myself up off the floor, put my ass back on and stopped laughing, I remembered my theory. I've been watching a lot of AC360 at the gym lately and I'm starting to think that Cooper and Jon Stewart are the same person. This person who dons a different wig and eyebrows, colored contact lenses and a tan (or not, as the case may be).

Think about it. Both are hip and attractive, both are involved in political newscasting, both giggle a lot. I believe both are located in NY.

I didn't see the Daily Show episode where Cooper was allegedly a guest, and now all those videos are suspiciously no longer available... Which just reinforces my own personal theory instead of reinforcing the fact that Comedy Central is owned by Viacom which is a big greedy money grubbing scumsucking corporation. And really, which of the above is more fun to think about?

(They really do look alike. Same smirk, same facial structure. They even have the same head tilt!)

I just had another one of my ba-rilliant ideas.

There ought to be a web site which allows you to type in the speed you run and your average steps or strides/minute (and/or your height), which then spits out a ginormous list of songs that have beats that follow your pace. Even better would be that the web site or product would be compatible with your iTunes, so that it would import or view all your songs and sort them into playlists based on tempo.

For example, the other day I was running at 5.6 mph doing hill work. I learned that "I Predict a Riot" by the Kaiser Chiefs was the exact, perfect song for that particular run. I have learned this particular fact several times now, but having no way to write this down or save it to a list, I tend to forget until it actually comes up again. The fast part of "Last" by Nine Inch Nails is perfect for my quick speed stints at 6.5mph (or is it 6.7 mph... grr, I can't remember... this is why there oughta be...).

This post brought to you by the fact that I run on a treadmill because I can't keep myself on pace if I don't. If there is such a site already, please let me know. (I did a quick search which produced lots of results from people wanting something similar, but no actual site or product that does this.)

If such a thing does not already exist, I smell a business opportunity! Who's in?

Dirty planet? Clean it up.

Earth could use some Orbit.

Fabulous!

Jen(n) is...

... cutting gym time short in favor of a beer (or three), ice cream and perhaps some real food at some point.

... tired and cranky.

... foregoing her rule of no computer after work.

... thinking about the fine line between a boss who gives great positive feedback and terrible constructive feedback, and a just-plain-bad boss.

... intrigued by the concept of tattoos that are only visible under black lights.

... wondering what infotainment to look forward to after finishing season 4 of the Wire tomorrow night. (Other than season 5, of course, but that won't come until next month.)

... thinking she needs to start remembering that Portland actually has seasons (so it would be wise to enjoy the long hot summer days while they last), and that the farmer's market isn't year-round.

... catching up on quality emails to friends.

... excited about the new Batman movie.

... feeling much better now.

... turning one box off and the other on.

In that order.