Is it me?

I am probably the only person I know who ...

• listens to the Avenue Q soundtrack during workouts
• includes a news article written by a friend when contesting a [insert expletive of choice] $250 parking ticket for stopping in a dangerous part of town at 10pm to drop people off at BART (thanks Ryan!)
• sings the South Park movie theme song incessantly while in mountainous areas on Sundays
• seriously considers writing Longs Drugs an angry consumer letter after trying to return something at one store, only to be told that since they don't carry that item, I have to return it to a store that does - even though the receipt clearly states "You may return merchandise purchased at Longs to any Longs Drugstore" with no caveats about inventory
• actively opts to listen to Jack Johnson

... It's me, right?

African or European?

So I'm trying to catch up on my 3-job-apps-a-day-on-my-vacation vow (so far I am 1 for 12 - woohoo!). One undisclosed company's job submission site asks you to submit your resume, then they ask a barrage of questions including "What is your work phone number?", "What is your current department?", "What is your manager's name and phone number?"

Halfway through the questions I started to read them in the Bridgekeeper's voice... "WHAT... is your current job title?" "WHAT... is your current work location?" "WHAT... is your quest?"

I think that officially means that I'm a geek. In addition to all the other reasons that qualify me.

Po-tay-toe.

For those of you who haven't heard, I recently spent four days with my brother in the Grand Canyon and Zion National Park. We had a time. A TIME, I tell ya. Having never been to either before, he was like a kid in a candy shop, and it made me appreciate the Grand Canyon that I'd seen years ago on a whole new level. I'd never been to Zion, which was part of my grand plan, and I think I saw more because he was there poking around even though he claimed not to be a hiker. Example:

AND I successfully maneuvered around any political talk without causing any sibling rife. Bonus.

What I didn't know going into this, is that he's on some variation of the Atkins diet, where he needs to eat slabs of meat approximately every 4 hours or he will become food-grumpy. This was fine, schedule-wise... Sure, you need to eat, let's take a break, we're on vacation for God's sake. Except that being in the Southwest, with every slab of meat inevitably came a potato of some sort. He was very considerate of my marathon training carb-intake needs and insisted on getting a baked potato with every meal, so that I could eat it then or take it with me. Of course most of my veggie burgers* came with fries because we were in the Southwest... But we also had microwaves in the hotel rooms, very convenient for heating up late night snacks like baked potatoes... So over the course of four days I ate a lot of freakin' potatoes.

I never thought I would say this but: if I never see a french fry or baked potato again, I will be the happiest person on the planet.** I have never been so happy to eat non-iceberg-lettuce salad and asparagus and tofu as I have been these past few days.

As for me, I only had two grumpy days (according to him). One was the second day when we were walking down a trail admiring the view and I realized it was 6:30pm. The last bus was to leave at 7:30pm, so I started to panic about finding the road and the bus stop. He was fairly patient with me while we got to the bus stop, where I proceeded to freak out because we'd just missed a bus when we arrived, and 20 minutes passed and the next bus hadn't come by (they were supposed to run every 10 minutes). Then I consulted my "Grand Canyon Guide" and noticed that the buses were only running every 30 minutes after sunset, so I calmed down slightly and then did a little "the bus is here!!" dance when it arrived. And he just nodded.

The second grumpy occasion occurred late in the trip. We parked in the Hard Rock parking lot in Vegas after 3 fun-filled days of 100% nature. (Neither of us are gambling folk, we were just killing time until the airport.) After wandering around the smoke-filled, screech-ridden, neon-infused Hard Rock Hotel for about 30 minutes I got a terrible headache and asked that we walk down to the Strip for some air. It was all downhill from there... With every sex poster or spring-break-group-of-guys-looking-to-hook-up, I got more and more ill. My brother tried to be patient with me - it had been my idea to show him Vegas after all - but I just kept saying "I hate this place" and after some key Kodak moments, he got me off the Strip and we found a place to eat in slight peace, then headed for the airport.

I've been told I'm a patient traveler, but I really have to hand it to him for putting up with me that last night.

The bus night though - that freak-out was totally justified.

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* Veggie burgers!! In Arizona!! My, how times have changed.

** Of course, all bets are off the next time I go to Barneys. Mmmmm... curly fries.

Thumbs go eh, thumbs go down.

So the end of Emily Rose (the actual exorcism part) wasn't as scary as the beginning. Maybe because I watched the second half when it was still light outside and I wasn't totally dog tired. Maybe because the second half just wasn't as creepy. Not sure. Overall, I give it an "eh." Made me think, for a few minutes. And then I returned to my atheistic ways. I do love that Laura Linney though.

On the other hand, Irreversible was like Memento (which I loved) on steroids with an awful premise. Or so I read. I wasn't able to get through more than 20 minutes of it without being bored. My mind started to wander... I started to contemplate moving back home and hanging out with my family more. I pictured flying my brother out here to help me pack up the U-Haul and drive cross-country to live in Maryland. This had nothing to do with the movie, but it freaked me out enough that I turned off the movie and won't be finishing it.

When all is said and done, I'm just trying to get through my rentals so that Netflix will send me the last season of Six Feet Under. One more to go... I think I might actually like this one.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's your moment of Zen.

Rationalization nation.

I have decided not to pursue a new kitten at this time. I know I said I was going to use the rest of my vacation to obtain and socialize said new kitten with Her Majesty. However, I think the timing is not right because I have friends staying with me next weekend, and trying to keep two cats separated with three people in a one-bedroom apartment is an overwhelming thought.

It's also pretty expensive to obtain a new kitten! Berkeley Humane Society (rightfully) asks for $100, and add to that the new toys, food, climby thing, etc, and the costs associated with making sure Her Majesty is up to par for a new addition, and... well, last year's bonus wasn't THAT great.

Oh and also. I was thinking about the undue stress this addition would cause me and Her Majesty for probably about a month. It probably wouldn't be quite as stressful as the last attempt, according to everyone I know who says cats adapt to kittens better than cats. But frankly, I just can't deal with undue stress right now. So for now I've vowed to spend more time with Her Majesty, which involves a lot of me sitting on the couch. I'm okay with that. It probably also means a lot more of this:


I'm okay with that too.

Speaking of undue stress and couching - time to finish The Exorcism of Emily Rose, which I couldn't get through last night... Um, because I was tired, not scared. Yeah, that's it. Uh huh.

And now for something completely different.

(Well. Not really.)

After yesterday's scathing post*, I bring you this. I HATE APPLE. They don't sell their completely functional headphones that come with the iPod you buy. Instead, to purchase an Apple-supported piece of equipment, you have to buy an expensive crappy replacement pair that has these squishy earplugs that don't stay in your ears when you are running.

And ALSO! Why, after numerous restarts and reinstalls, does my iPod just skip past all the albums I've recent purchased, which play just fine from iTunes? Why, I ask you? Their support instructions: re-import the songs. Well, why should I have to when I bought the freaking albums from YOU?? And I haven't yet burned them to backup disks because I just bought them?? From YOU??

OK, I don't really HATE Apple. I couldn't live without my iPod. And I reserve pure unadultered hatred for government officials. I'm just annoyed.

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* It wasn't really scathing, I guess, and it was mostly a self-absorbed rant toward the blood relative I am about to spend 4 days straight with who does not read this blog... But yeah, there is some overall truth to it too. And truth comes out with alcohol, in case you didn't know. But it was also a bit self-righteous - I was one of those people playing the victim and then I got over it. I'm sure I will be playing the victim again in the near future. Anyway... Gotta quit turning on the computer after a few glasses of wine.

On life, and some junk.

I've been thinking more and more about what I want to do with my life. I don't want to be a VP. I don't want to climb ye olde corporate ladder, despite everyone's best efforts to get me to do so. I hate the politics, I hate the bureaucracy, and I do think that it's all the same no matter where you go. So for now I am content to lead small teams on small efforts in corporate America, while I build up my savings so that I can travel and buy a house. And then I want to do something totally altruistic to earn my keep on this planet. Or something random but tangible - carpentry, veterinarian, something along those lines. The older I get, the more people I meet who share the same values - and I am so appreciative of that validation.

Recently I've been really impatient with people who "play the victim." Bitch about your job all you want - hell, we've all been there. But corporate America doesn't care about you - they only care about the bottom line. If you really want me to pay attention (and, frankly, give a rat's ass), show me that you are doing something to better yourself. Don't just pretend that they're all out to get you. Don't just sit idly by and let it happen. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. In my world, you only get one life...

And some junk: I end this with a chant I learned a long time ago from the Animaniacs, one which I actually repeat to myself when I get overwhelmed with all this corporate bullshit:

"Ooooooom... and some junk."

Try it. It's quite therapeutic.

Exception numero uno.

A major exception to this rule is that this marathon training is kicking my ass. I was fine all week after 8 miles, and the day after 10 miles I felt okay - but I think I didn't rest properly, or eat properly, or something. All week I was totally dragging, and right around 2pm every day I needed a nap SOOOO BAD. Yes, Starbucks made a lot of money off me this week. Bah.

And then I'd get home and eat dinner, and sit down on the couch, and wake up at 2am. Every single day.

I've determined that my diet needs an overhaul. According to the trainers, my daily intake needs to be 60% carbs (YAY!), 15-20% protein, and 20-25% fat. And I need to eat throughout the day instead of three square that I've been doing for the past year.

I'll start tonight (after 9000 sugar calories at the bridal shower) with a small portion of spaghetti and fake meatballs (and of course garlic bread). And we'll see how it goes. There is only so much protein a vegetarian can eat in one day... but we are ALL ABOUT the carbs.

Making up for lost time.

I didn't have too many tea parties when I was a little girl. I made a few mud pies in my day, but otherwise I was too busy playing with my brother's Tonka trucks in the backyard.

I've been to two "high tea" parties for bridal showers recently. I have to say, if I ever get married that's how I want my bridal shower to be. No loud music, no uncomfortable situations with barely-clad gyrating men half my age, no screaming women or flashy lights or hats. Absolutely no hats.

I do insist on having a side of bourbon with my tea, though.

I just can't get enough.

Have I said this already? Nine thousand times? I want to marry one or both of these guys. Maybe not at the same time, but subsequently, sure. And then wedding #3 will be reserved for a sugar daddy.

Excerpt for those too lazy to click the link:

"So, Scientology, you have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for Earth has just begun. Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!"

If you don't get the punchline, you need to start visiting some of the links to your left.

Last night, among other things, I dreamt that I was dating Ryan Reynolds. Not hot-as-hell "Blade: Trinity" Ryan Reynolds (not that I saw it but so I hear, he was quite cut), but good old "Two Guys, A Girl And A Pizza Place" Ryan Reynolds. And I was fine with that.

Isn't it ironic?

Note to self.

Credit is not "free money." You do have to pay it back sometime.

I am having a hard time with the transition from debit cards to credit cards.* I'm so used to using "real money" to buy things - I haven't used credit cards regularly since I was a poor college kid. It's not that I'm not paying off the credit cards monthly... It's more that I don't pay as much attention to what I'm spending when I use credit. So every month it gets more and more painful to pay off the card.

It doesn't help that Ann Taylor is my new favorite store (mainly because I can buy a pair of pants without having to try them on - that's a beautiful thing). And it doesn't help that I did need some new clothes because old things weren't fitting or were falling apart. And it doesn't help that I've been in a bit of a funk these past few weeks, and you know that it's going to be alright when we go shopping.

And also, by using credit, you don't have to say the word "debit," which has got to be the most nonsensical, annoying word I have ever repeatedly uttered over the course of one day.

It's always lalalalala...

________________
* Have you made this transition yet? If not you should ASAP - recently my friend's ATM/debit card was compromised and she lost almost everything from her checking account... Unrecoverable, of course. I changed my ways immediately. (Never shoulda started but that's another story altogether...)

Don't let me down, boys.

Dude. You're just feeding their fire. Or ire. Don't you know that?? I can't wait for next week's episode.

And also... Get the fuck over it. Your film wasn't better than Crash. Oh wait, I mean yeah, everyday racism is sooooo "out of touch." This has most likely cemented your doom in Hollywood, dumbass.

Oh and also... DEAR GOD NO.

On the most sensational inspirational celebrational...

I was so thrilled to see that Netflix is offering old Muppet Show episodes for rent. I mean, I love... really, truly LOVE... the Muppet Movie, but I was very, very young when the Muppet Show was on TV. I have vague recollections of Elton John and the Captain & Tenille on the show. But I don't recall these three episodes:

Peter Sellers just being Peter Sellers.
John Cleese being a pirate invading Pigs In Space!
Dudley Moore and Animal going head to head.

I love Animal. And poor Gonzo. Poor, poor Gonzo.

When I was young, it was just a funny show. Watching these three episodes as a now "thirty-something"* I appreciate how that show set the bar for adult humor hidden amongst cuddly puppets (or cartoons, e.g. the Simpsons).

________________
* Yes it PAINS me to use that phrase. But it's true.

The true miracle.

It's not that I ran 10 miles today. It's not that I don't really hurt, anywhere.

It's that I am still awake at 8:20pm.

Three things I bet you didn't know.

3. They are making a movie based on Welcome Back Kotter.
2. Natalie Portman used to rap.
1. Rosanna Arquette was the inspiration behind In Your Eyes.

A moment of denial.

I was just filling out a form online, and had to select my age. I am now in the "31-40" age bracket.

ACK.

The most expensive poker game I will ever play.

A question for you, dear reader.

Does a parking violation for "stopping in a bus zone," when there are barely any cars around (let alone buses), in the crack-whore area of town where sherriff resources could be much better utilized, really warrant a $250 ticket?

Yes, I will contest the goddamned ticket. But I will lose. And I will pay. And never again will I offer to drive anyone back to BART after walking away from the game disappointed at losing a lousy $10.

Dishing, etc.

You go, boys. (Damn I need to start taping that show... "Trapped in the Closet" - HAHA.)*

Well, DUH.

"Perhaps that's not such a good proverb to use in this case, since fishing is actually instinctual in cats."

________________
* A reference to this - which is also HIGH-larious.

Procrastinating my daily goals.

From my aunt... probably originally from Stephen Wright or someone along those lines:

• What disease did cured ham actually have?
  
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?*
• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
• If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

And my favorite:

• How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Hell with goals. I'm going shopping.

________________
* That one is for you two. You know who you are. :)

Today's goals.

1. Figure out why the Shins and other various music won't play on my iPod... It just skips past them. Piece of crap.

2. Figure out how to get albums to show in this template... (Yeah I'm totally plagiarizing you, Connie. If I can't figure it out I'll be bugging you for technical support.)

3. Convince Her Majesty that just because we sat on our asses ALL DAY yesterday, that cannot be an everyday occurrence. Sad but true.

4. Stay awake and watch Grey's Anatomy. Or at least remember to tape it.

That's enough for one day.

No, I'M the real Slim Shady.

Eight miles today. No major aches or pains to speak of (which still concerns me but I'm going with it).

I'm finding that my weekly long-run pattern is... First three miles SUCK. Next few miles are totally fine, I'm in the zone. Last mile I get tired but push on. Let's hope I can keep this up as the miles get longer and longer...

So what did YOU do before 10am today? :)

No longer will Jack Black taunt me.

After much ado, I have seen Evil Dead II. YET.

Groovy.

Two down, one to go.

Because there's no other great way to start a Saturday than with a refreshing story about teenage heroin addicts... I finally got around to watching The Basketball Diaries. Judging from all the times they pointed me toward it, I think Netflix was going to send it me regardless of whether I ever put it in my queue or not. Anyway, I thought it was as good as "they" said it was and I'm glad to have seen it, although I did think that there were times when Leo acted more like Arnie than a strung out heroin addict.

And then far less depressing, but still somewhat heartfelt, was Raising Victor Vargas. I put off seeing this because I thought it was about a kid trying to be a player. It's not... for the most part.* I liked it.

________________
* Oh and "longislandlloyd" - it's also not a freakin' "family movie." It's about a family. There's a big difference. Go back to your Must Love Dogs crap.

It's the worst word that you can say...

... but FUCK YEAH.

Happy Friday, everyone. And shit.

How can I explain it, I'll take you frame by frame it.

Today at work someone sent out an email which contained an abbreviation for something, the abbreviation for which was OPP.

And so for the rest of the day all I could do was sing the chorus of this song.

(I do not recommend reading the full lyrics of the song.)

Paula's next hit.

Someone was watching "Animals Exposed to Nuclear Reactions" (or something) on Animal Planet at the gym tonight. I guess it's due to my odd affinity for reptiles, but I find this poor little thing so darned cute. It's definitely cuter than this close relative, anyway.

I take that back. I apologize to all the lovely snakes of the world for lumping Dumb and Dumber in their species category.

Office space...

... indeed.

Miscommunication possible.

This afternoon I asked a friend at work about a new assignment he'd been given by saying, "So how's mission impossible going?" He started in about the dust and dirt, and all the crawling around and gadgetry involved, and all the nasty little critters he was running into...

A few minutes into his description, I realized he was talking about a home improvement project under the crawlspace of his house that we'd been discussing last week, rather than his new work assignment. Up until then I was trying to mesh his imagery with what I understand of his new assignment (and it was working). And at the moment of realization I laughed out loud.

It amused me so much that I didn't let him in on the joke. Thankfully, he doesn't know about this here blog. (Shhhhh.)

This is coincidentally the same person who randomly asked me how training was going, meaning marathon, and I interpreted it as work-related and replied that we were just about finished with the presentation and were all set to go the next day. "You're running the marathon already??" Um, no.

We either need to talk more often, or not at all, I think.

You know you cant drink she said to him coldly.

Today's spam subject brought to you by Ernest Hemingway.

Dishing.

OMG you're YANNI for the love of Pete!! ... Thank God ... Uh, I actually thought it was Farrell too, sorry ... Well, duh ... I saw that Inside the Actor's Studio, you go, Dave ... I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

Life imitates art.

You know that commercial where the guy gets the total runaround on the phone trying to get to customer service? I won't name the company, but you know the ad.

I lived that this morning. It was unreal. Twenty minutes, five transfers, one "accidental" disconnection, five people telling me exactly the opposite of what I just heard from the person before them, and in the end I still didn't get what I needed (the approval that was supposed to have happened last Thursday, according to the first person I spoke with).

Fortunately, I didn't set anything on fire or have to announce to a busload of people that my uber-secret password was "KELLYCLARKSON!!!" Whew.

Happiness is a quiet blog.

I have come to the conclusion that the happier I am, the less I blog. I am really not sure what the correlation is. I'm sure for some, it's the opposite. But I just wanted to mention it because I know I've been "slacking" on the writing lately. Just know that the less you see, the happier I am.

(Except for tonight because I just have a lot to say. And except for any other exceptions to the rule.)

Tonight's happiness attributed in part to a genius idea from Scott Adams.

Public service announcement(s).

2000 Flushes Blue Plus Detergents actually clogs your toilet. The white ones are fine. Blue = BAD. [Ed. note: in case you don't believe me. AKA, how I spent my Tuesday evening.]

Related (sorta), it is probably not a good idea to flirt with your building repair man whose girlfriend just moved out, even if he is really nice and cute and your age and conveniently located.

Related, it is a good idea to flirt with the male bank teller when asking for multiple rolls of quarters. It ensures that you won't get a nasty look when you ask for quarters even though he WORKS IN A FREAKIN' BANK already ISN'T THAT YOUR JOB TO HAND OUT MONEY already sheesh.

And in plagiarized summary of the Oscars...

"You clearly didn't see enough movies this year.

"Please, see more movies. In theaters, on the big screen, at full non-matinee price with 20 minutes of paid advertisements. And purchase the advertised products. Let Coca-Cola validate your generation's music, then join the few the proud the Marines like this nifty CGI robot warrior.

"THAT'S the way to see a movie, you crazy kids with Wi-Fi and your bit-torrents and your baggy pants and your indoor ski caps."

________________
Oh and also, Jon... get some rest. You had a rough night.

"COME ON!"

I have watched the last 2 hrs of Arrested Development, Season 3 at least five times. Yeah, that's right - ten hours of my life (minus fast forwarding through commercials). What of it??

My friend was kind enough to tape it from TiVo for me* but I think she wants it back sometime. She's had my Donnie Darko DVD for at least a year. I figure Season 3 will come out on DVD within the year, at which point I can watch it every day if I want, so by my measure another 4 weeks and 9000 viewings makes us about equal.

I kid you not, though, every time I watch it I see something new. This is just too clever for someone not to resurrect.

Oh and also? Jason Bateman? HOT.

________________
* I gotta get me some of that TiVo. Maybe then I won't miss Gray's Anatomy (a.k.a the only reason I can now stand Sandra Oh) every freakin' week.

Cast your votes...

I have succumbed to defectiveyeti's Oscar Pool this year. Evenings these days, I'm in "park ye olde brain" mode and if you are too, you can cast your votes...

[Personally, I am banking on Joaquin Phoenix, Brokeback Mountain and all that is associated with it, and Murderball (although it might be beat out by March of the Penguins which I would support). Probably Crash will win something, and maybe King Kong but I doubt it.

I am sad that I haven't seen A History of Violence, Syriana, Good Night and Good Luck, Capote, Transamerica, and Munich but I need to reserve those rentals for when I am SO VERY DEPRESSED and need a little pick-me-up ("hey, at least I'm not X...").

And I will probably watch the rest of the nominees eventually but for now, hey - I've seen six of them. I have this fear of being the person who MUST SEE EVERY SINGLE MOVIE before the Oscars even though their own opinion is really meaningless to anyone other than themselves...]

OK let's face it - Sunday is ALL ABOUT JON STEWART. Watch, laugh, worship.

I feel the earth move (part 2... of many, I'm sure).

I am trying not to be too concerned with two minor earthquakes in my neighborhood within the same day. Really, I am trying.

It would help if Luna would quit acting like a looney tune, scampering all over the apartment for no apparent reason and staring out the window like she's waiting for someone (something?). They say animals are the first to know...

It would also help if I weren't sitting next to 72 square feet of glass right now.

Oh, and it would REALLY help if I finally got my earthquake preparedness paraphernalia together.

So THAT'S what Paradise Lost is about.

Devl kikd outa hevn coz jelus of jesus&strts war. pd'off wiv god so corupts man (md by god) wiv apel. devl stays serpnt 4hole life&man ruind. Woe un2mnkind. -- Milton, Paradise Lost

(If novels were written in text messages.)

Running to stand still.

I think I've changed my mind. I think I prefer to run outside, versus running on the treadmill. I can keep my pace better on the treadmill, but there is something to be said for fresh air and actually GOING SOMEWHERE when you run.

Almost half a half marathon!

Today I ran 6 miles - the longest I've ever run in my life. And I feel fine. (OK, I needed a nap this afternoon - but otherwise I feel fine.)

I'm a bit alarmed that pain and/or insanity hasn't really kicked in yet. My knees are holding up well, my muscles don't ache and I am still showing up at the training site every Sunday at 8am. Maybe paranoia is working to my benefit this time.

The BEST thing about training for a marathon is that I can eat ALL THE CARBS I WANT. Usually I would make sure to only eat one meal a day that revolved mostly around bread. Not any more! Today I had an english muffin for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and I'm having pizza for dinner. And last night I had pasta and bread.

YAY MARATHON TRAINING!!

Ehhhhh...

What's up, doc?

I had no idea a catnip carrot had just as much appeal as a fuzzy mouse. I can't wait to see what she does to the catnip frog.

THE ONLY reason to watch American Idol...

... (for now anyway) is to see Simon and Seacrest battle it out. Who cares about the contestants?? This is way more entertaining and Simon WILL ALWAYS WIN. Seacrest needs to SIT THE FUCK DOWN.

That is all. AKA, Seacrest out.

_________________
This post inspired by a recent viewing of Kathy Griffin's old HBO special where she talks about how UTTERLY TOTALLY UNBELIEVABLY LAME Seacrest is. Like we didn't already suspect... Kathy Griffin, by the way, is my new hero.

"I have nothing to say...

... I hope you have a nice day. "

And I hope you buy this 15-year old album which is where the quotations come from. It's one of my faves. So sad that the band is now defunct.

________________
Actually I have a lot to say but I am fearful of what I will actually write since I had two Manhattans within the last hour or so. After which I sat on the bus next to a very talkative older man who was anti-Bush and anti-war-on-Iraq and anti-social-security-BS and pro-me-working-for-the-next-30-years-to-support-him. He was really nice. And he didn't mind that I breathed bourbon every time I said "I KNOW!!" or "YEAH!!"

I will say this though - WHEN IS THE NEXT WHISKEY EXPO??? I want to goooooooo.

A not-so-Friday-5 compilation.

Since I'm off until next Wednesday, I have a little time to catch up on things. Including This Book, which includes a checklist of things you're supposed to acknowledge having no intention of ever doing (to lessen the guilt when you don't ever do them). So I bring you the Top 5 Things I Will Never Do Before I Die:

1. Grow a tail
2. Become world chess champion
3. Understand Einstein
4. Learn the Periodic Table by heart
5. Eradicate hepititis C
   

Unrelated, but not really - Top 5 Things I NEED TO DO BEFORE I DIE - from the same list I had to choose from above:

1. Drink myself silly in New Zealand
2. Acquire a hard-ass nickname
3. Come out of a black hole alive
4. Jump bail
5. Start a revolution
   

And also unrelated - Top 5 Things I've Already Done That Are On This List:

1. Call my father 'pa'
2. Shovel manure
3. Give birth to a goatboy (just seeing if you are paying attention)
4. Blame God for everything
5. Smoke a Cuban cigar (hey - does that count as a felony??)
   

So what will YOU never do?

Morale has improved!

Five miles today and only minor aches in the knees, which the aspercreme is taking care of. AND!! A big breakfast of french toast afterward, because right now I can eat all the carbs I want! AND!! A new version of iTunes which enabled me to update my iPod (which I'd had to totally reset in trying to get it to upload a week ago). AND!! No work tomorrow!

End of exclamation point overuse!!

But really, it's the little things.

Keepin' it real.

I was doing a little cleaning today (read: procrastination of taxes and a little bit of work I need to catch up on) and ran across a birthday card from 5 years ago, from some friends at work. One of the comments was "I hope you maintain your youthful exhuberance and idealism even as you creep (or is that 'creak') toward my age."

Needless to say, it's not looking good.

Everybody was kung fu soccering...

Hilarious. HI-LARIOUS. Steven Chow is my new hero.

Word on the street is that they're doing a Kung Fu Hustle 2. Not much detail around it as of yet. Can I just say - more dancing please??

If only I had a little stuffed monkey...

... this picture would be so much funnier.

Committed. Or, commit me.

One or the other applies. I've sent the emails out about my marathon training. Click here to sponsor me for this absolutely ridiculous endeavor I'll be undertaking.

Or, seriously, commit me to some formal institution who can help with my insanity.

Either way, at least I'll have a milestone to work toward.

And shit.

This is sooooooooo tempting. But I think I will have to ultimately pass. Only because of a previous engagement though.

Not that I wish harm upon anyone but...

Could this story POSSIBLY GET ANY MORE POETIC????

Netflix probably thinks I died.

For the longest time, I was turning movies/TV series around faster than Netflix could send them to me. The last three I received have been sitting next to my TV since 1/11 (one) and 1/20 (the other two).

It's not that I haven't wanted to see these movies. I have. It's just that between out-of-town guests, birthdays, Curb Your Enthusiasm lendings, etc I just haven't gotten around to it. Even my recent bouts of procrastination have not helped the cause.

Finally, last night, I watched Millions. If you want to see THE CUTEST KID EVER say "brilliant" in that way those Brits are fond of doing, watch this movie. (And overall it was quite good. Sorta kinda Amelie-ish, in a sense. Sorta. Kinda.)

One down, two to go. Last night I also started Shaolin Soccer (but didn't finish it - but know I will love it just as I loved Kung Fu Hustle). And someday soon I will watch Batman Begins (I hear it's all dark and creepy - oh and also Christian Bale all muscled up, how could that possibly go wrong?).

End of pop culture hyperlinks for now.

Public service announcement.

Hot Topic is not punk rock.

I don't know who this guy is, but I agree with this lady about that particular song.

No really, everything is fine.

I called three old friends today out of the blue, mainly because I was procrastinating looking for a job. Each had the same overall reaction - "Um... hi! What's wrong? Are you okay? Are you SURE you're okay?"

I think I need to call these people more often.

Lemon juice on ye olde wound.

Now I can't update my iPod. Everything is fine. EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Catching up on people I don't know personally.

After flipping his car on Jan. 26, Walk the Line star Joaquin Phoenix, 31, reached out to Lindsay Lohan, 19. "She was one of the first people Joaquin says he called. She was in tears with him on the phone as he explained how shaken up he was," a source close to Joaquin — who's rumored to have dated Lindsay — says. "Lindsay offered to fly back to L.A. to be by his side, but Joaquin said he was going to be a big boy about it. But I think this incident has made him and Lindsay closer than either of them expected to be." Reps for both say the call never happened.

Regardless of whether the call happened, GAG #1. Dude. I'M 31 - CALL ME.

Gwyneth Paltrow loves living in UK and feels Brits are more intelligent than Americans. The sexy starlet loves the parks in Britain and enjoys exploring her new area. The mother-of-one told Britain's Star magazine: "Brits are far more intelligent and civilised than Americans. I love the fact that you can hail a taxi and just pick up your pram and put in the back of the cab without having to collape it. I love the parks and places I go for dinner and my friends. It's a pretty city, you know." Meanwhile, Paltrow's daughter Apple has both a British and an American passport but doesn't mind her English accent. The blonde star said: "She says 'Mummy' instead of 'Mommy', I don't mind that. I will if she starts saying 'basil' and 'pasta' the English way, as that really drives me nuts."

Yet, WITNESS. GAG #2.

In other non-gaggy news, YAY!

Back to our regularly scheduled program.

Dear. God. Why.

GAG.

That is all.

Sorry, Book That Will Change My Life.

Today was Barter Day, where I was supposed to find as many great barters as possible. Instead, I made an executive decision to make today "DO NOTHING DAY." Or at least, "DO NOTHING I PLANNED TO DO TODAY DAY." I have blown off anything I intended to do*, I'm still in my pj's at 3:30pm, and I'm okay with that.

I think yesterday just sucked the life out of me and I needed a day to recover. At least I have a job. And at least it's not Apron Scratcher, or Mud Boss, or Skull Grinder.

At least I have that going for me.

________________
* One planned activity was to attend Kevin Smith's panel at the WonderCon. I just couldn't bear the thought of driving/parking in the city (I wanted to go shopping at a non-BART-friendly store afterward), hundreds of people, the unbearable Q&A session where people inevitably asked the stupidest questions... it was all just too much. Maybe I'll watch An Evening with Kevin Smith to make up for it.

I did something equally geeky in place of it though - cleaned up my hard drive and backed the shit up out of everything I possibly could. Yay me.

Mmmmm coffee.

Today is the first day in a week that I've been able to get up and immediately enjoy a cup of coffee. All week I've been going straight to the gym so the coffee intake was delayed by at least 2 hours.

I also slept until 9:30, which is probably going to screw up my whole sleep cycle but I REALLY DON'T CARE. It was truly lovely.

This marathon training is for the birds. Actually, the birds are probably smarter than us crazy humans.

Attention Bloc Party/Lovemakers fans.

You might want to check out the Infadels. I think iTunes actually recommended this to me, and I blindly purchased the album (after sampling a few songs), and I can't say I am disappointed.

The verdict.

Tonight I sampled Little Star Pizza, hailed as San Francisco's version of Zachary's.

Whatever.

Don't get me wrong. It was damn fine pizza. I liked the crust better than Zachary's - more cornmeal, less flaky olive oil dough. And the sauce had more basil. But overall I have to say that I would still kill for one of Zachary's spinach/mushroom deep dish pies. Literally KILL. Their fillings are meatier (so to speak), they use cheese more wisely, and sometimes there is much to be said for a flaky olive oil crust. I have never been disappointed.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Randy told Stephan about shimmy!

Oh, the humanity.

And in other news, Jermaine says curry.

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This post brought to you by SPAM. And speaking of spam-like activities, the fax machine calls continue.

What's cooler than being cool?

I'd have to say an all-guy Go-Go's punk rock cover band.

BUT what's even cooler than that? It would have to be an all-girl Kinks punk rock cover band.

Check them out. I know the drummer for the Minks, so last night I got be all like "yeah whatever I'm with the BAND."

________________
I'd written something last night about this, and 924 Gilman Street, and how weird that place was, but just weird for us adults, and that it was a good concept that we should support, conceptually... And how they clearly hadn't heard Have Another Drink... But that post disappeared. It was a good post too. Damn.

Belated Friday five.

I know these five things are true:

• I will never, ever again eat at a Chipotle. Even for convenience's sake. Any restaurant that puts instructions for how to eat their food on their napkins is a NO GO in my book.
• I like Nine Inch Nails' remake of Dead Souls much better than Joy Division's original.
• I did not know until today that Joy Division did this song originally.
• If this morning was any indication, the 26-mile run will not be half as difficult as dealing with a bunch of chatty Cathys at 8am every weekend.
• If this afternoon was any indication, Luna is going to need to learn how to actually TALK so that I don't get SEVERELY PISSED at her for waking me from my nap (by sitting on the bed meowing meowing meowing) just because it's her dinnertime. If she could just say "hey I'm hungry" it would make things much more amicable between the two of us.
  

February funnies and some civic obligation stuff. And other local news.

From the Book that Will Change My Life... Yesterday was the day of compliments, where I was supposed to flatter someone and see if it got me anywhere. Examples included "You're not the boss for nothing!", "This is the best memo I've ever read," and "That toupee really suits you!" I am not sure I gave anyone compliments but I know I recently complained about being complimented. Not the same thing.

And then today was "Be Gay For A Day" day, which I TOTALLY didn't take advantage of... Damn.

I should leave this book at work to remind myself to keep up with the daily schedule. Tomorrow shouldn't be a problem because it's "Discretely Give The Finger To People All Day Today" day. As it is, I do that on a regular basis. Surely I can fit some more in tomorrow.

And in other news... From my America: The Calendar 2/1 entry - What Type of Government Best Suits You? Category: Democracy.

• Your typical day - counting your money and deciding which fast food to eat.
• Your pet peeves - voting.
• Your favorite kinds of war - a glorious battle for liberty, preferably fought by proxy army.

And in other news... Speaking of voting. The Oakland Mayoral campaign is in full force. Don't forget to vote! If you want to meet the candidates, there's a local event coming up that I will be sharing with fellow Oaktowners. Please attend!!

And in other local news... I heard a rumor today that Merritt Bakery burned down. Uncomfirmed. But if confirmed, how truly sad. The food is overpriced and not that great, but their cakes are truly awesome. And it's a local monument.

And speaking of local monuments... No!!!! I wrote to request an update and haven't heard anything. If we ALL write he will be guilt-induced into writing back or giving an update. WRITE HIM!!

Do you know how to get your home phone number off someone's fax machine?

If so - do tell. Google was useless on this. And it's DRIVING ME CRAZY... I feel like Elaine.

The race is on and it looks like kneeaches.

Today I ran 3.2 miles (well, ran/walked in a 4 to 1 minute ratio) for the first time in a looooooong time, in prep for the marathon training kickoff this Saturday. I have to complete 3 miles, at my own pace, after which they will tell me my run/walk ratio and match me up with a group of random crazy people who are also running a marathon for the first time.

Stock-savvy folks would be wise to invest in aspercreme, Ryka footwear and Burt's Bees Pedicure Kits. I plan to corner the market on those items in the next six months.

(Did I use that phrase correctly?)

Maybe it's Furious Rabies (Minus Mortal Fear Of Water) disease.

Today I had a very irrational reaction to being repeatedly thanked for DOING MY JOB. It made me mad! You ask me to do something, I do it, you get what you need, I get paid, everybody's happy. End of story.

Please save the gushing accolades for my next "employee of the month" award. Capiche?

________________
Furious rabies = in which you become crazed, violent and of course, mortally afraid of water.

The Alien Hand Syndrome defense.

The birthday presents just keep a'comin'. Today I got lunch and flowers from some friends, plus brownies from another friend (not THOSE kind of brownies, sadly, but they were good), and two books:

1,000 Places to See Before You Die, which I have been coveting but have not yet bought for myself, and which I will - of course - use in conjunction with The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have.*

After all, how else am I going to see all these places, if I don't have a million diagnoses to call in sick with? "I don't care WHAT you've heard - I'm really not on my way to the Winter Alpine Balloon Festival. The HONEST TO GOD reason I can't come to work is because I have toxic epidermal necrolysis. Do you want to see that? I DON'T THINK SO. Sheesh."

________________
* The funniest part (to me, anyway) is that I coincidentally got these two books on the same day from two different friends who don't know each other. I couldn't plan a better punchline than that.

The more of Curb Your Enthusiasm I watch...

... the more I fear that I am the female version of Larry David. Hey - he's a fellow college alumni, if nothing else.

Alfredo sauce does not a soup make.

I mean, seriously. Who the hell would eat an alfredo sauce soup?* How many amongst us have done what I did - picked it up because they thought it was alfredo sauce and dammit, you ran a lot today and for that reason plus numerous others including that your thinking and vision was impaired, comfort food was required - and after making the pasta and fake chicken to go into the sauce you realize it is actually alfredo sauce SOUP??

San Francisco Soup Company - WTF??

________________
* I must confess - any day other than today, I would probably be ALL OVER an alfredo sauce soup.

Either that - or they're of Irish descent.

It occurred to me at the gym tonight that at least one member of The Shins probably worked in an office at some point. Witness:

• "In our darkest hours we have all asked for some angel to come sprinkle his dust all around. But all our crying voices they can't turn it around and you've had some crazy conversations of your own."
• "But I learned fast how to keep my head up 'cause I know there is this side of me that wants to grab the yoke from the pilot and just fly the whole mess into the sea... Of course I was raised to gather courage from those lofty tales so tried and true and if you're able I'd suggest it 'cause this modern thought can get the best of you."
• "I'll try hard not to give in. Battened down to fair the wind. Read my head, at least pretend. Allow myself no mock defense. Step into the night."
• "But you'll find those lingering voices are just your ego's attempt to make it all clean and nice and make a moron out of you. Crossing a bridge on weakening cables, huddled up in fear and hate because we know our fate and it's a lot to put us through. Most ideas turn to dust as there are few in which we all can trust. Haven't you noticed I've been shedding all of mine? So let's abandon that track and leave our fathers fighting in a sack 'cause we are way too wise-assed for that. We've taken on a climb and it's long enough to put the best of us on our backs. Walking up a slide and there are those we know who'd have us five miles off the track."

Yes, you can call me crazy. Go ahead.

Today I registered for the AIDS Marathon on July 30. Technically speaking I signed up for the full marathon. Mentally I am ready for a 13.x mile run in six months but SOOOOOO NOT READY for a 26.x mile run. But I know people who've done it, and obviously is much easier to train for a full and scale back to a half than vice-versa.

To date I have run 3 miles at a time and been okay. Three goes into 26 eight.point.seven times. That's a lot of running.

It depends completely on my arthritic-since-age-13 knees. My attitude and motivation are there for 26 or 13 or whatever I can physically do. Yeah, I want to stay in shape but I also want to raise money for a good cause. (Well, another good cause. You'll be getting multiple requests for money this year. Sorry, it's the nature of being a good samaritan.)

So although I am close to 100% certain I will regress and simply do the half-marathon, I'm leaving myself open to the possibility. How cool would it be to casually say, "yeah, I ran a marathon"?

And plus I got all this runner paraphernalia for my birthday from my friend who found out I was considering it. So might as well put my new watch, key-holder-that-attaches-to-shoe, and pedicure materials to good use at least for a while.

Figures that the day I got all psyched about mentally and physically prepping for this, the damn gym was closed. Perhaps I should just enjoy my last weekend of pain-free knees and not feel guilty about it...

And then so timely...

This song came on. How DO you documentary a life when real life's getting more like fiction each day?

I won't see the movie though. I won't. (OK maybe I'll RENT it. Haha.)

To going against the grain, going insane, going mad...

We are spirits in a material world.

I am not making any of the following up.

Monday I went out to the balcony to water my plants. When I opened the balcony sliding door, I noticed that the plastic patio chair I keep outside was right in front of the door. I have no recollection of moving this chair, and moving it there would've been stupid anyway because it was totally in the way. I scratched my head, moved it back to its original position, and watered the plants.

Tuesday morning I woke up to an open closet in my bedroom. I have sliding closet doors, and I purposely keep them closed because Luna likes to go in and climb up my skirts and dresses, eat shoelaces, and generally cause trouble. The open doors alarmed me a little, but in my morning sleepy fog I went about my business and assumed I'd forgotten to close the doors the night before. I closed the doors before I left for work. When I got home from work the closet doors were still closed and Luna was sitting on her perch, staring at the ceiling and meowing incessantly. This is not an unusual occurance. The closet doors were closed when I went to sleep.

Wednesday morning the doors were open and a white t-shirt was laid out on the chair by the closet. I SWEAR I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF DOING THAT. There was no reason for it anyway, because I'd ironed something the night before that had no business being worn with a white t-shirt.

At this point, in case you couldn't tell, I was getting a little freaked out. I start to talk to the ceiling, like "um, hello up there? I'm sorry if you suffered a life ceasing event. If there's anything I can do for you please let me know, but leave me a written note (in English because I'm a lame American who doesn't know old or new foreign languages) rather than an abstract 'sign,' OK? You can write it on the mirror in eyeliner or lipstick, I won't mind." And Luna continued to meow incessantly at the ceiling.

I KNOW I closed the closet doors Wednesday night. When I woke up this morning they were open, one all the way, the other about 4 inches open.

So the conversations with the ceiling continue - in fact they're quite extensive right now - while I figure out the least expensive way to determine if I'm sleepwalking. Or if I'm crazy. Or where my next abode will be.

All of this is such an exciting change from my regularly scheduled life, though... So until the tree outside my bedroom window attacks me during a thunderstorm, I'm going to ride it as long as I can...

________________
Mark my words. The closet doors are closed right now.

I'm already behind on my life book.

So it's not the book with all the answers, but it WILL CHANGE MY LIFE. It contains 365 daily instructions for hysterical living (complete with sections for personal daily notes)... the hysterical part I could really use right about now.*

Being that it's the 7th day since receiving the book, and I keep forgetting to follow it by the book (no pun intended), here's a recap of what I've missed so far:

• Day 2: The Love of Your Life - where I was to look at everyone I saw as though they might be the love of my life and act accordingly. Fortunately I chose to take that day off work, so there were minimal encounters with people.
• Day 4: World Coloring-In Day - where I was to color in all the countries of the world that I've been to, I definitely want to visit, I intend to go there before I die but if I don't make it no big deal, and I never plan to step foot on. How timely that I was just talking with a friend about Antarctica on Day 3. Although that's not a "country" represented here.
  
• Day 5: Mass Social Experiment Day - placing an "out of order" sign on any public item(s) I choose, including but not limited to cranes, toilets, escalators. "The aim is to achieve comprehensive social breakdown across the U.S." Notes would've included phrases like "ALL RIGHT!!!!", "F-YEAH!!", etc.
  

Stay tuned for more progress on my hysterically-lived life. Performed on time, this time. Tomorrow is Day 8: Addiction-Free Day - where I'm sure notes will include things such as "OMG AS IF," "gaaaaarrr" and "FTS I'm getting a cup of coffee. Followed by a martini. Topped off with a crack pipe."

________________
* Can you say "worst day EVER?" I know that you can.

This sooooo could've been spam.

From my friend, in response to my inquiry about one of her recent vacation packages:

Apparently, the company I used for S. Africa has gone
out of business. When I called the 800 number, it was
some sex hotline. Bummer...

Today's post bro*ght to yo* by the letter U.

For most of today, for reasons which I still do not *nderstand, I co*ld not type the letter * witho*t a pop-*p box appearing which prevented me from any f*rther typing. So I had to either think of words which did not contain the letter *, or type words with an * in place of the *, or j*st type words witho*t the letter *. Which wo*ld’ve looked a little something like this:

For most of today, for reasons which I still do not nderstand, I cold not type the letter without a pop-p box appearing which prevented me from any frther typing. So I had to either type words with an * in place of the , or just type words withot the letter .

I am now amazed at how many commonly used words contain the letter U. Makes replying to an IM with "sure" damn near impossible, for starters. And then the syndrome affected the letters E and N as well, and I was just about to call it a day and go home... And then it stopped.

Respect the U. And the E. And the N. And technology. Because sometimes it just makes no sense.

Kinda like life.

It's not even that we missed the last train and had to take a cab back home...

No, it's not even that. It's that we went through the BART gates, looked at the schedule, realized that OH SHIT we just missed the last East Bay train, immediately exited the BART gates, and got $4.65 deducted from our tickets. For 3 minutes of "transit." Fucking public transportation.

Anyway! The show was fun. I especially liked her take on the space program - something about it being "welfare for smart people." And her reaction to the discovery of water on Mars... "And?? Hey, look at this, when I turn on this faucet - water!! Did you really have to go to space for that revelation??" I'm misquoting but that was the gist.

Good times. (Except for the $4.65 bullshit BART charge... okay, the $40 cab ride across the bay was no picnic either. But it was better than waiting for the creepy trans-bay bus at 1am. And a good reminder of why cars are our friends.)

A woman never forgets her age once she decides what it is.

OK, I'm officially sixteen hours into the ripe old age of 31. So far, other than being inexplicably and unbelievably tired at 4pm... I'm dealing quite nicely.

Just call me Jacqueline.

It's always better on holiday.
So much better on holiday.
That's why we only work when
We need the money.

(Uber-appropriate that this song came on as I sit here struggling with the joy that is cover letters.)

Cutting the cord: part one.

What a week. Well, what a latter half of a week. On Wednesday I had a meeting with my unpaid supervisor to discuss transitioning out of my unpaid job, which went better than I expected - and today I got good news that things are moving way faster than I could've imagined. (Hmm... I wonder if I should be concerned with how fast things are moving, actually... "Get her out of there as soon as you can!!")

Thursday I got lots of really cool stuff from my friends at my birthday lunch. And I also got bittersweet news about a project lots of us have been working on forever. "Bitter" because we've been working on it forever, but "sweet" because I realized there was no reason to go to work on Friday. After all, I had no idea what the hell I would be doing all day other than sitting there wondering what the hell I should be doing.

Today (on my unexpected day off!) I started talking one-on-one with peers at my unpaid job about leaving. Everyone was very understanding but it was actually kind of emotional - which, I guess, is not really surprising considering how much time I spend with those folks and how much respect I have for them.

Afterward, in light of that, I tried to imagine my last day at work. And I got kinda sad. But then I went back to revising my resume and the "sweet" feeling came back... Stay tuned for Part Two.

Who wrote the Book of Life anyway?

I was talking to someone today about how, back in elementary school, the "practice tests" provided answer keys in the back of the book. Remember that? And how cool it was?

How I wish that were true today. I really need some answers.

It's (past) 5 o'clock somewhere.

This is the best thing about my day today:



Sad, but true.

File under: the next time I complain about my life...

... remind me that last night I finally got around to watching Murderball. And remind me that, when all is said and done, right now I have nothing to complain about.

On second thought....

... any movie that I am still thinking about several hours after seeing it, is damn good in my mind. If I'm still thinking about it tomorrow then yes, it's worthy of all the awards its been nominated for.

I shoulda held out for "Jesus Is Magic" at the Parkway.

Today I saw Brokeback Mountain. Yeah, the acting was good. But are we really to believe that two people forge a 20-year bond during a youthful summer fling after which they go back to their regularly scheduled lives and continue to see each other two or three times a year? I don't care if you're gay cowboys, straight college kids, happily married people who see your exes at your 30 year high school reunion - I DON'T BUY IT. And even if I did - you are not being fair to yourselves or the people around you. Cut it out - or get together for good and be done with it.

Not to mention, all I kept wondering through the whole film was, "I wonder if Michelle Williams is jealous that her child's father gets to kiss Jake Gyllenhaal and she doesn't?" I know I would be if I was her.

Sigh. I think I'm officially too jaded to ever see a love story ever again.

William, It's Been Eight Months, It Really Was Nothing.

Oh, how I wish I were half as clever as many of these people.

Public service announcement.

Death Cab for Cutie on Saturday Night Live tonight.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Saturday.

"Who is [pro-life], once you start to pay attention?"

Recently viewed:

Dark Water, which was not so interesting even though John C Reilly was in it. Usually I like anything he's in. So that was a little disappointing.

And then Happy Endings, which was really great... but not so happy. And which drove the subject of this post.

And now I have Murderball and some crazy Rob Zombie flick in my hands. I think I'll go with Everybody Hates Chris because I really need a laugh right now... and that's pretty much a guarantee with this show.

So this is the new year...

... and I don't feel any different. Thirty-one is looming over my head and I'm no better off than I was last year at this time.

But! I am hoping that by April things will start to change. I am in the process of setting some things in motion. Personal things, professional things, financial things. It will go more slowly than I would like, but if I start now I should be able to make some good headway. My friend's recent visit proved to be a very good influence on me. It was just the kick in the butt that I needed.

Overall I'm still trying to figure out what I want. But hell, the day I suss out what I do want, there'll probably be a parade. Seventy-six bloody trombones. (Name that paraphrased tune. Line. Whatever.)

So... stay tuned for new and exciting endeavors. At the risk of jinxing myself and reconsidering, I'll say that the first endeavor involves a half marathon later this year. Even if I do wimp out, it should count for something that I am really, seriously considering and planning for it for the first time... Right?

Public Service Announcement.

Attention, residents of this fine planet! I just wanted to set the record straight on something. When I'm ranting or venting or complaining or whatever word you'd like to use instead of "whining" (which, granted, is what I am doing but it makes it sound so juvenile)...

I am not seeking solutions. I'm not looking for advice, I don't want help problem-solving, I am not trying to achieve an end goal.

I AM JUST WHINING.

Please empathize, sympathize, nod and smile, and/or pat my head accordingly. But don't try to help me. That will really only serve to irritate the living shit out of me (and therefore run whining to someone else about YOU).

Thank you!

Solitary confinement.

Tonight is the first night I have had no commitments since December 15th. I have no unpaid job offsites to plan for, I have no out of town guests to entertain, and I have no deathly illness.

Tonight I don't have to figure out how to keep someone occupied for four more hours while they wait for their medication to settle so that they can eat a snack before they go to bed (hello, parents) and I don't have to listen to a one-sided cell phone conversation (hello, best friend*).

Tonight I can just do what I want. Which involves hanging out with the cat while I watch someone chastise an Antiques Roadshow contestant for buying a crappy rendition of a Civil War sword while I wait for the first part of a very interesting PBS documentary on country boy living.

YAY SOLITUDE.

________________
* I love my best friend. I do. She's my oldest and dearest friend and she knows everything about me. She gets all my quirks. And most importantly, she knows exactly how I like to spend a day shopping (going to every high-end store to seek out the sale racks, finding great deals and exact sizes, getting annoyed with the multitude of stupid shoppers who - like with the DMV, lose 50 IQ points when they enter a store - and gives me THE EYE to commiserate, acknowledging midway that our blood sugar levels have dropped and we really need to eat some pizza... and vice versa).

But I don't see the need for her to recount the conversation about every single action that we did each day with her significant other (which I overheard and obviously get), especially since I am so anti-all-that-crap-right-now. And I don't see the need for her to relay every minute of her conversation (which I overheard and obviously understand the gist of - blahblahblah twocentstampincrease blahblahblah Medicarepleasesignup blahblahblah youhadtofirepeople blahblahblah birthdaycakeforGrandchild blahblahblah) even after I say "yeah I know what you and your mom talked about."

I think that this is what normal people do - talk to their boyfriend and family on a regular basis. And therefore I think that I have officially become hermit material. This bothers me immensely... But at least I've got a PBS show to distract me!

Insert joke about East vs West Coast rap here. And shit.

The past two weeks have seen a serious influx of visitors from back east. My parents were here for a week. A very dear friend was visiting with his girlfriend over the holidays and I got to hang out with him in my favorite local coffee shop.* And this week one of my oldest friends is here on a consulting gig and is staying with me over the weekend.

Maybe if this keeps up I won't have to go BACK THERE ever again...

________________
* How nice to be reminded that EVERYONE from my hometown ends their sentences in "and shit" and swears like a fucking sailor. Really. It was just like being home - without having to actually be home.

Be born again (toll-free).

This was too funny not to publicly laugh at. Or to be publicly very, very afraid of. I now lean toward the latter.

I didn't get much farther than the following instructions on how to translate something into "Alphabetics" before starting to projectile-vomit uncontrollably:

Look before and after a word in its alphabetical listing (such as in a dictionary or lexicon). If a word (such as your name) does not occur in the listing, merely insert it alphabetically where it belongs. Sometimes you will find relevance in words tens of words away from the original word.

But I did learn from a related site that my area code means "band of soldiers" (according to whatever BDB is) or "no rebellion, no uprising" (according to whatever CLBL is). Oooooo-KAY then.

There is so much fun to be had with this. Too bad I'm now so irritated that THIS is how the bloody fundamentalists prove their completely irrational and inhumane points. I mean, Jesus F'ing Christ on a pogo stick, already.

Peachy keen, jellybean.

You know you're feeling better when you dance around your apartment singing along to "Summer Nights"* from Grease, which they are replaying on VH1 for the nine millionth time, probably this time because Kenickie is now on Celebrity Fat Club season 3. (How sad is that, a piece of my childhood has officially been ripped to shreds.) At least there's still the line, "Men are rats, listen to me, they're fleas on rats, worse than that, they're amoebas on fleas on rats. I mean, they're too low for even the dogs to bite." Gotta love that.

It's a little more upbeat than Murderball, which I got from Netflix tonight and really want to see, but which is just not as enthralling as the Pink Ladies, the young Jeff Conaway, and the infamous car chase, tonight.

Watch it - hey, I'm Doris Day.

________________
* When I was in 6th grade my friends and I tried out for the elementary school talent show, re-enacting "Summer Nights" from Grease. We were rejected because of the lines "did she put up a fight?", "she got friendly down in the sand" and "well she was good, you know what I
mean." How come there are no lines in that song where the GUY is a slut?

And then, during the show, after being approved by the "censors," one of the contestants did THE MOST RAUNCHY dance I have ever seen - even to this day - to some stupid song and we were all pissed because he got to feel himself up onstage OVER AND OVER AGAIN and we didn't get to do our well-thought-out routine.

We made our comeback in gym class when we did a group project - an exercise routine to a reworked version of "Shout" by Tears for Fears: "Stress, stress, sweat it all out. Stress is what we can do without. Come on, come exercise with us. Come on." To this day I cannot take that song seriously.

Knowing is half the battle.

I've been getting catalogs in the mail from Eddie Bauer for a while now. I'm really not sure why because I've never bought anything online from them. I finally wrote to them to ask that they remove me from their mailing list, and here is their reply:

As you requested, your name has been removed from our mailing list.  Because
our catalogs are printed up to three months in advance, you may continue to
receive them for a short time.

If you are interested in reducing other unsolicited advertising mail, we
recommend contacting the following organization:

   Mail Preference Service
   C/O Direct Marketing Assn.
   PO Box 643
   Carmel, NY  10512

We appreciate your help in reducing unwanted paper in support of our
environment. 

Pretty cool of them. Now YOU know too.

Bleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh.

________________
From here.

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

I've had a sinus infection since Friday. (Hooray for my apparently-new new year's tradition!) Today was the first day I actually felt like eating substantial food, so on the way home from the drugstore to get more medicine, I picked up something to eat.

I'm not sure what's worse... Giving in to my Barney's craving for curly fries (plus a tofu burger) after eating basically nothing for three days... Or eating my curly fries while watching the Biggest Loser marathon on Bravo.