Worst. Punchline. EVER!

As overheard in OMSI's store. Dad: "Do you know what kind of pencils dinosaurs used in school?" Daughter: "No." Dad: "Giant dinosaur pencils!" [points at 1.5' long pencil.] Daughter: blank stare.

Annnnnnd, scene.

But I did almost ROTFL at this in the grocery store later. "Her Maaaaaaaaaaaaaj is coming up, so you better get this party started..."

I wonder how Table Manners Cat would eat party mix. But mostly, I wonder if I can have some of whatever that lady is smoking.

I could not have said it better myself...

... although I would've fixed the typo in the second paragraph.

I was home sick today so I had plenty of opportunities to listen to her speech, which they ran, and re-ran, and re-ran, and are probably still running on CNN. I opted to ignore the coverage. The minute I heard about this, I suspected it was an ill-advised move that would probably serve to eventually bite McCain in the ass. So now, we wait.

I was heartened to see many friends from high school laughing this off in their Facebook status. Hooray for under-represented east coast liberals!

Public service announcement.

Daytime television is really, really bad.

Really.

Idea #75: Be neighborly.

That one is easy. I'm on Yelp.

Next!

[9/14/08 Ed. note - I think this also covers idea #22 - pitching in on a community web project. Sweet! Not to mention all those silly Facebook groups I've joined... But I *do* go out of my way to step on leaves that are particularly crunchy!]

And to think, I was in the "talented and gifted" program in elementary school.

One of the first things I noticed when I moved to Portland was the sky. More specifically, the clouds. It's been a rare day that you can't see clouds - puffy white clouds, gray looming clouds, wispy faint strands of lingering clouds, a combination of all three and then some. They give the sky character. They're such a nice change of pace from the Bay Area perpetually blue sky (the fog doesn't count - too low to the ground).

When I was in elementary school, a classmate postulated that clouds didn't move - they stood still while the earth rotated, and because of this it just looked like they were moving. I didn't really think it was true at the time, but walking home from school that day I glanced up at the sky and the spring clouds were moving pretty fast. I mean, the earth was moving pretty fast. I got dizzy. And I remember suddenly feeling very, very small.

Of course now I know this is not true. But to this day I can look up at the clouds in the sky on a sunny day, or the stars on a clear night, and still feel very, very small.

And in a strange way I find this smallness very comforting.

Idea #6: count your blessings.

This idea from the magic book addresses a collection of things that makes me happy, like a perfectly good day. I kind of already covered this idea here, but today was so nice that I'll do an encore. Yesterday was pretty low-key but it did involve wandering around the NE. During said wandering I decided I needed a weekend day where I didn't force myself to get out and be a person, or explore my town, or run boring errands, or spend over $10. So, today I...

... woke up at 6:30am, took care of laundry and caught up on important news stories over breakfast. (Guilty pleasure #293.)

... did some Martha Stewarting for upcoming birthdays.

... allowed myself 2 hours of Food Network/TLC. (Guilty pleasure #439. I was particularly impressed to see that Big Daddy has come really far since winning - good show, sir!)

... took a nap with Her Majesty.

... ate lunch and got sucked into reruns of Celebrity Fit Club. (Guilty pleasure #571.)

... used that as motivation to go to the gym, where I ran 7 miles. (7! Miles! Last time I did that? I have no idea.)

... and used that as motivation to go to Fred Meyer for beer and ice cream. (I'm pretty sure those items, along with some cheese and crackers, will be my dinner. I'm just fine with that. After all, 7! Miles!)

... threw some random stuff in a tupperware for lunch tomorrow, blatantly ignored the pile of ironing, and tuned in to catch an amazing set by Rodrigo Y Gabriela at the SF Outside Lands festival.

... which brings us to now. The rain is falling and Her Majesty and I are watching Cake do a Black Sabbath impression.

Life is good. And also, damn John McCrea looks old.

Sunday dish.

Another fine insult to my friends with REAL PhDs.

But, Jennifer Love Hewitt, I thought the whole point was... Oh, never mind.

HA-ha!!

Just when you thought hip-hop rivalry was dead, Jay-Z blasts... wha? Oasis? In England? Sigh.

More proof that Anderson Cooper wants to be Jon Stewart sooooooooo badly...

Quite possibly the only thing I will ever enjoy that involves Paris Hilton.

And finally, why I still read Best Week Ever. (Viewer discretion advised.)

Quietly judging me.

But it was Primus! Come ON! Of course I had to crank it up.

This seems to be Her Majesty's new favorite spot. I can't tell if she's holding a sit-in in protest of the amount of time I spend online, or if she just likes the pillows. Either way, it needs to cease immediately...

Belated Friday five. Er... Wednesday three.

Five things you might not know about me, in no particular order other than the order in which they came to mind while I anxiously await Primus streaming from the Outside Lands festival...

1. I really like Primus. My first "real" show (e.g. one that did not involve the Capital Center in DC, back when it was still the Capital Center) was either Primus or Fishbone at the Citadel. Both shows rocked but I remember being particularly enthralled with Primus. I haven't kept up with them at all but I'm glad they're still around. And I'm anxiously awaiting their show tonight.

2. If you see me wearing my frog ring, it's because I expect to have a bad day. If you see me wearing my frog earrings or skull & crossbone earrings, the same rule applies 95% of the time. (4% of the other time is when I would go to Pirate Night at Speisekammer. The remaining 1% is the time I just forgot to change my earrings.)

3. I claim to not like sweet things, and this is mostly true (they make my teeth hurt! they really, really do!) but it's also largely because I was slightly chubby when I was in 5th grade and my pediatrician put me on a diet... which my brother eventually found out and mocked me for years... and I haven't quite gotten over that. I was probably only about 15 pounds overweight at the time (thanks, Coleco Vision!) and I ended up losing most of the weight that year and the rest over the next few years, but he still made fun of me. One of the nicest things he ever said to me was when I got back from senior year beach week, where I'd eaten about 2 meals the whole week and had probably lost ten pounds I had no business losing. I believe the words were "damn, you're skinny!" Anyway, I gained weight a few years ago (thanks, metabolism!) and had flashbacks... and subsequently shunned the sweets. (Thanks, brother!)

And oh, there they are. OK, executive decision - this is now a Wednesday three. All done with this post now.

Why I need to stop talking smack about my beloved country...

... exhibit A.

Crossing one off the list.

Caught Gonzo at the Laurelhurst last night. Cute theater. Small, and no Parkway, but cute. (Did not try the beer or pizza due to a prior engagement involving mint juleps and three plates of fried food. Shared by four people, but still. Must return at a later date.)

The film was a bit scattered, which seemed appropriate given the subject matter. It made me want to go back and re-read all the Thompson and Kerouac and Kesey and Wolfe I read in my hippie 20's phase. It made me like Jimmy Buffet for a brief moment, and miss Jimmy Carter as a prominent political figure.

Mostly, it made me happy to remember that once upon a time, America actually gave a shit about elections. I'm not convinced that this year is any different than the other election years during which I've been alive.

I want to believe. I do. Just need a sign. But as long as VEEPs are chosen based on which state they will win for the running president, I'm not sold.

Pouring myself a cup of ambition.

Werner Herzog, the filmmaker who brought you Grizzly Man and numerous other German films I have not seen, went to Antarctica to make a movie. From the start it clearly was not to be a fluffy penguin movie. (There are penguins, and a couple of seals, but the fluff factor in these few brief scenes is negatory.)

Herzog's escapades around the continent feature gloom-and-doom interviews with renowned sci-fi-loving scientists who are not exactly convinced that we'll be around much longer; autobiographical accounts of random people who live and work in Antarctica (hint: they're a special breed); and absolutely breathtaking underwater photography.

This is not your typical BBC multi-million dollar endeavor. The footage is shaky and raw, the story goes all over the place, and the cast of "characters" (including a penguin) may very well all have psychological disorders. And Herzog's narrative is at times bitingly sarcastic, at times insightful, but always morose.

I loved it.

I've been in a bit of a funk lately - sure, the heat hasn't helped, but overall I'm just not sure what I'm doing here (Portland, the world, the universe, etc.) or why, and every day I utterly despise this whole "working for a living" concept more and more. I think this film was just what I needed yesterday. There was something comforting about watching people get excited about their work, even though the results of their work kinda proved that the planet was screwed.

It did make me question my overall plans a bit though. I'm starting to lean away from "house-buying plan A" and more toward "selling everything and following Arcade Fire around the world plan B"... Life's too damn short.

Would you rather have...

... a small six-legged cat bus robot,

~ OR ~

... an actual cat bus?

Decisions, decisions.

Life imitating art.

Apologies in advance for the extraneous use of air quotes.

I'm back to living Office Space.

Exhibit A: I have "TPS reports."

Exhibit B: The other day, it was 5:00pm on the dot, I was waiting for my "program" to "compile" so I could head out the door, and the boss called to ask if I had to leave right away or if I could chat for a few minutes. A few minutes turned into 30. I couldn't help but laugh.

Exhibit C: My "flair" at work so far consists of this baby (only I have Captain Bogg and Salty's version, which is apparently not available online), plus this baby, plus a little art project I did during one of the mandatory fun day events. I used to decorate the hell out of my space at work, even designating a space for pictures of "places I'd rather be." My cube is really depressing right now. Part of me wants to put forth more effort, but the rest of me just doesn't care at all what the buttons say.

However! My red Swingline stapler is prominently featured on my desk. At least one person has said, "oh wow, red Swingline. Office Space?" I immediately knew we were going to be friends. I was right.

As long as we don't move back to living Fight Club, I think I'm OK with all this. Boxing class is fun and all, but... OW.

An open letter to...

Dear Credo (formerly Working Assets),
Last month when I called to inquire about something, I was offered a "free three month trial" for "unlimited web browsing" through my mobile phone. Knowing full well that nothing is ever "free," but not being able to imagine how this could possibly come back to bite me, I said OK. I have no laptop or crackberry and especially being in a newish town, I've been wondering if it would be helpful to have Google maps access remotely. Over the next few weeks I mostly used it to check email and Facebook on the train, and I may have used it twice for Google maps (which were quite handy, but were just employed because I was too lazy to check out the map the night before on my real computer).

But then.

I was about to write you a really angry letter because the "free trial" for "unlimited web browsing" meant "any web sites under 1MB," which represents, oh, about 0.0003% of the interweb. So "free" turned into $70. I was not warned of any of this. I got no supplemental documentation in the mail. Granted, I didn't ask for any, but still. You're Credo (formerly Working Assets). You would not screw me over.

But then.

You called me to warn me about the $70 charge, and suggested I get the $15 package deal instead, and signed me up right on the spot, and suggested if I didn't want the package deal to continue I should call back in a few days and cancel. So I called this morning from the bus stop, half asleep, and only after hanging up did I realize the customer service rep thought I wanted to cancel my web bill, not my web access via mobile phone. Great. I didn't catch it in time and now I had to call you back again.

But then.

I called from the bus stop this evening, fully awake this time, and explained the situation to the customer service rep. She apologized profusely for their mistake, which was actually my mistake, fixed everything and then she gave me a $10 credit on my next bill for all my "trouble."

Mobile phones were not meant to check email or Facebook, but I am glad I gained that knowledge firsthand for only $5.

So now.

Credo (formerly Working Assets) - LYLAS!

- Jen(n)

Oh noes...

I'm officially one of THEM.

You know THEM. THEY turn up their nose at you if you haven't memorized every word of all 700 pages of every Harry Potter book. THEY look the other way when you stare blankly at the mention of some obscure piece of classical music that was written by a famous composer before he wrote the famous piece of classical music you might actually recognize (maybe). THEY shun you when you do not worship the Mac.

Today at work I got visibly agitated when a youngster hipster type was telling an older (read: my age) hipster type that he "should check out this thing called Dr. Horrible, it's by that guy who did that Buffy show. Crazy mad scientist singing blog thing." He replied, "huh, yeah maybe I'll check that out."

Those were their exact words.

Note the nonchalance! The lack of interest! The not-running-back-to-the- cube-immediately-to-Google-this-wonderful-creation!

I wanted to scream, "NO! If you didn't know about this before now... If you haven't already memorized the songs... If you are not thrilled with the knowledge that this exists... If you don't even KNOW HIS NAME... You are not worthy!" Instead I interrupted their conversation with "it's actually pretty brilliant." And then I grumbled under my breath for the next 10 minutes.

What are THEY... um... WE even called? "Uber geeks"? "Snob geeks"? "Sneeks"? (Um, "annoying"?) Urban Dictionary was no help tonight. Can I just call myself "whedonesque"? It has a nice ring to it. And I haven't read any Harry Potter books. (Yet.)

For the last time...

... it's MY music. I PAID FOR IT. Now let me listen to it in whatever format I wish.

Bloody Apple.

Oh, don't you get me started now.

Last night I was headed down one mental path, but thanks to (no kidding) Corey Haim (no, really, no kidding) followed by The Photo Album blaring in my ears for an hour, I got a little perspective and went another route.

And I feel much better for it.

Who says train wreck TV isn't educational?!

Sort of late or really early Friday five.

I've been trying to find something funny each day, mostly for my own amusement, but also because I am starting to think that if you can't laugh at the world, you're royally screwed. So, five things that made me laugh last week, in the order they occurred:

• Monday: the sock monkey display at an upscale department store downtown. I can't find any relevant links but it appears to be a tribute to this book. I did find this and now? OMG I waaaaaaaaant one of those guys in the first picture. Er... I mean, I could totally make one of those myself.
• Tuesday: I saw a somewhat rotund, heavily pierced, very tattooed girl of about 25 wearing this t-shirt.
  
• Wednesday: walking home I saw a guy in his early 30's sporting a pirate patch over one eye. He was otherwise dressed for success so I'm sure it was because of an eye injury, but I still had to seriously hold back from muttering "gaaaaaaar!" under my breath as I walked past him. I'm SO SURE he hasn't heard that enough. So yes, on Wednesday I laughed at myself. I'm OK with that.
• Thursday: a young kid gave his seat to an older woman on the bus. Well, that didn't make me laugh but it did make me smile. Chivalry and respecting elders is not dead to the world... yet.
• Friday: my cube mate blared a Dead Milkmen CD after everyone else had gone home. I always, always, always laugh at Beach Song, but if you don't laugh when you hear this song too, something is seriously wrong with you.

BONUS: today I saw a guy of Hispanic or Latino descent wearing a t-shirt that said "We learn Espanol so that you don't have to." I wish I knew where he got it. I know someone who would totally love that t-shirt.

Two things I really like about my job.

1. They don't mind so much if people leave early on Fridays. It's not unusual for the office to be an utter wasteland by 4pm.

2. There are quality band-aids in the first aid kit. Not those crappy vinyl-don't-stick-to-anything-not-even-themselves kind - I'm talking top notch, baby.

Hey, it's the little things, OK? I am dreading the upcoming week, for no other reason than... well, than the fact that I just don't want a job.

Oh, temporary voluntary expired unemployment, why must you mock me so?