THIS is the best we can come up with????

JACKSON CROWNED 'MOST FOOLISH AMERICAN' FOR THIRD TIME RUNNING

Troubled superstar Michael Jackson has been voted America's "Most Foolish Person" for the third year in a row, beating a murderer and President George W. Bush to the title. The annual April Fool's Day poll showed that the "Thriller" star was the most popular choice for the top spot, with convicted killer Scott Peterson, sentenced to death this month for murdering his heavily pregnant wife Laci, at second place. The list also featured his sister Janet Jackson at sixth place, in honor of her breast-flashing "wardrobe malfunction" gaffe, hotel heiress Paris Hilton came in at fourth place and disgraced lifestyle guru Martha Stewart at third. Compiler of the poll Jeff Barge says, "It's getting hard to envision an America in which Michael Jackson isn't the most foolish individual. Short of a lesbian wedding ceremony for Paris Hilton, it's hard to imagine who could possibly push him out of the number 1 spot."

THESE are the most foolish people we can think of??? Peterson was "FOOLISH"?? Hilton is "FOOLISH"?? Come ON, America. For the love of all that is holy, come ON.

Like a kid at Christmas!

I'm getting new furniture delivered today... Well, "furniture" - I'm still too chicken to buy grown-up furniture so I got the kind you have to put together. So technically I'm getting big slabs of wood delivered today... Well, "wood" - it is from Ikea after all. But the promised me it didn't come from the rainforest... Well, "promised" - I am pretty sure the kid I asked didn't know and couldn't have cared less. (But I asked, that counts for something, right? Right??)

I've not been this excited about something in a long time. Every time I hear a large vehicle coming up the hill I run to the window to see if it's THE truck. I guess the bigger question is, will I really be able to work once the delivery arrives? Will reviewing nine MILLION PAGES of documentation be compelling enough to keep me from ripping into the boxes and getting started on assembly?

I highly doubt it.

So come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine.

Kudos to South Park for pointing out the insanity of this Terri Schiavo madness. And for showcasing Wing's ... err ... talents. I love those guys.

Top 5 things dummies shouldn't be doing.

5. Managing people.
4. Visiting San Francisco.
3. Philosophizing.
2. Procreating.

And the number one thing dummies should not be doing...

1. Homeschooling.

Special notice goes to those reading about Catholicism, religion, or the Bible for dummies. That explains SOOOOO very much about our country right now.

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This is all very tongue-in-cheek. However, I was quite stunned to get 1100 results when I searched Barnes and Noble's web site for "for dummies" books. What exactly does that say about us?

And speaking of down under...

This just in - I heard a rumor that somewhere out there, round trip airfare, SFO to Auckland, New Zealand = $650. Plus $163 if you bring fruit with you.

Must find out more info.

You have two freakin' Oscars, just pay the damn $140 fine.

(A.K.A. "stuff that's irritating right now.")

Two-time Oscar-winning actress Hilary Swank has been ordered to hand over $163 for taking an apple and orange into New Zealand.

Losing her bid for an appeal, the 30-year-old "Million Dollar Baby" star was issued notice of a fine for failing to declare the fruit snacks while arriving from Los Angeles on January 15. She later appealed the penalty.

But the Manukau District Court rejected Swank's appeal, and she was ordered to pay out $142 in fines plus an additional $21 for court fees.

In seeking to have her fine expunged, Swank reportedly wrote the New Zealand Ministry of Agriculture and Forestry a handwritten letter stating she "simply forgot" she had the fruits in her bag after her 20-hour flight.

File under: there oughta be...

There oughta be a web site that allows you to type in the name of any book, and what you get back is a list of the bricks&mortar stores that carry that book.

There oughta be a way to not show movies you've already rated when browsing the Netflix selections.

There outghta be a law against four hour conference calls...

"Now that's a real shame..."

"... when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that."

I won $2 tonight - TWO WHOPPING DOLLARS - in "Blue State Hold 'Em" (because we all refused to call it "Texas Hold 'Em"). All I could think when I was cashing out was, "I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!!!" And now I really want to watch Better Off Dead. So I think I will.

Sunday, rainy Sunday.

Nothing like some old school Cure on a rainy Sunday afternoon... Although I think I'll fast forward past "Prayers for Rain." And maybe also "The Same Deep Water As You"...

Today I really wish I was a housecat.

Dublin or bust!!

I got a brochure in the mail today from the AIDS marathon folks, who were encouraging me (as they do every 3 months or so) to sign up for one of their endeavors. Normally I laugh profusely at the thought of running 26 miles in one day, and immediately toss the brochure in the recycling bin. But today something caught my eye: the next run they're planning is in DUBLIN!!!

For about five minutes I thought about it. I really thought about it. Really. I thought about how I could train to run 26 miles, I know people who've done that and lived to tell the tale. I thought about who I could get to sign up with me. I thought about how much my knees would hate me and how I could get over that. I thought about how I could balance fundraising for that with my other fundraising commitments.

And then I thought about how I could just GO TO IRELAND without training for 6 months and running 26 miles when I get there. And how I would probably enjoy the trip a lot more with healthy knees and feet. And so, once again, I laughed profusely and tossed the brochure in the recycling bin... And then I started doing a little vacation research.

The state of affairs.

I found this incredibly comforting today... I've been neglecting Mark Morford of late. I need to stop doing that.

Arrrrrrrrrrrr.

Korn rocker Jonathan Davis and his wife Deven have become the parents of a baby boy - and they've named him Pirate.

Arrrrrrrrrrrr.

Why, Hollywood, why?!?!

Three reasons I hate Hollywood right now:

1. Out of curiosity I watched The Grudge. I was sort of expecting to be scared silly, like I was with the original, so I geared myself up for that, but nooooooo. I found it silly... Perhaps because I kept thinking it was a Buffy episode... Perhaps because I got distracted halfway through with Luna's new bald spots*... Perhaps because I wasn't watching it in a lonely hotel room while sitting next to a closet with slatted sliding doors while a kid outside the hotel howled like the cat in the original... No, actually, I think it just sucked.

2. After that I caught 10 minutes of the American version of The Office. DEAR GOD WHY? The new "Tim" (whatever they're calling him) isn't even half as appealing as the old "Tim."

3. And finally, while searching for something to watch earlier tonight, I saw that there already seems to be a made-for-TV movie about Terri Schiavo. I'm too annoyed to try to verify that right now.

Hello, Hollywood?? Don't fuck with a good thing... And leave the limbo patients to their maker, whoever that might be. K? K.

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* I don't know what these are attributed to. The first time this happened I kinda knew it was because of the new couch, so I made arrangements for that (set up a nice little blanket for her and washed the couch covers repeatedly till the problem seemed to subside). But now I just have no idea... Unless SHE was freaked out by the Grudge movie and suddenly lost a lot of hair that miraculously disappeared. But I don't think so... Bald spots on an otherwise healthy cat are just freaky. Make a movie about THAT, Hollywood.

On being 30, and a caffeine addict.

(This actually happened a while ago but I was reminded of it again today.)

Right after I had my 30th birthday, I commented to my (slightly older) friend that it was strange how I'd been drinking more water than I used to drink every day, yet my face was still really dry. She simply looked at me and said, in all seriousness, "It's STARTING."

Digression: honey makes a great natural moisturizing face mask. End of digression.

In other news, I am slowly becoming Starbucks' bitch. I hate that it's so close to my office and that there is no Peets anywhere in the area and that the Jitters & Shakes stand closes shop around 10:30am. I hate it. There are days when I just need a hot jolt of caffeine. And I keep getting gift cards to Starbucks. So that's where I go.

I can't stand their plain coffee so I usually opt for an espresso drink. At this particular Starbucks, they don't even brew espresso, really brew it - they just push a button and the espresso comes out of the machine, much like the hot chocolate machine at 7-11s. To distract myself from that disappointing discovery, I have been trying to come up with new tongue-twister concoctions to stump the "barristas" ("toffee nut half-caf non-fat grande latte!" "sugar-free vanilla dry non-fat tall cappuccino!"). Or I just order the evil caramel macchiato and plod back to the office, head hung in shame.

The other day I was waiting in line and the woman in front of me ordered something that sounded like a line from Lady Marmalade, which made me start singing a Starbucks version of that song in my head ("mocha frappa ya ya dada..."), which then got me thinking about Moulin Rouge, which I disliked with a passion.

Sigh. I hate that place.

File under: culture.

Finally watched Central Station. I liked it a lot, up until the end. Stop reading now if you haven't seen it... He seemed to get why she didn't say goodbye in person, but I didn't.

Saw Elvis Costello again, at the Paramount again. What a show that man puts on. What a voice. What a songwriter. What musicians they are.

And what is so funny about peace, love and understanding?

If it's not a coked-up couple sitting in front of me...

... it's a couple who can't keep their hands off each other standing in front of me ... or a heavily medicated old man sitting next to me who keeps falling over on me ... or a bunch of drunken frat boys sitting behind me who wouldn't know a Bob Dylan song if it ran over and smacked them in the head ... or, in tonight's case, a guy sitting in front of me who forgot to take his rittalin before the show.

I acknowledge that that's probably quite insensitive of me. But it just never fails. I've vowed this before but I'll say it again ... No more shows where I can't move around in the crowd. Or at least away from certain people in the crowd.

Surely this is out there.

A button, a t-shirt, a bumper sticker, with a photo of Dr Evil with Bush's face pasted in, and Mini Cheney by his side. Pinky to the lip and all. Surely it's out there. I can't be the first to have thought of it.

Notes to self...

... If you spend Friday evening watching 13 Going on 30* followed immediately by The Wedding Singer**, you probably will have crazy dreams and ponderous thoughts all weekend. Don't sweat it.

... If you sleep till 3pm on Saturday without staying up too late and/or drinking heavily the night before, opt for sitting on the couch instead of attempting to run three miles. It's very likely that something is physically wrong with you. And it's very likely that it's allergies, which you get every year around this time no matter how much you block it from your memory.

... Watching 8 hours of celebrity poker will probably not improve your game very much, if at all.

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* Yeah, I rented this. It actually wasn't bad, for what it was. I do think it should've been called 13 Going on 35 though, given where she was in her adult life.

** Really now, who amongst us hasn't wanted to say, "that's something that could've been brought to MY ATTENTION YESTERDAY!!!" really loud at work from time to time?

Time killer #487...

20Q.net ... And for the record,
- basketball players do sometimes use spoons;
- you can sometimes find a scarf in a classroom;
- depending on the drink, a drinking glass can bring joy to people;
- I do love crab and it does bring me joy;
- and my cat is not fluffy.

But it's all in fun. Or for science. Or something.

File under: humor.

The second funniest thing I have seen this week (right after Cat Town) can be found here.