Sunday, June 05, 2005

Hoots pa.

Two more long-overdue amusing closed captioning sightings:

1) The night the viagra/blindness story broke, they were referring to erectile dysfunction and I SWEAR TO GOD I AM NOT KIDDING one time it said "erectile did I function." No offense to anyone with this disorder - I'm sure it's traumatic and nothing to joke about etc., etc. - but between the irony of the myth and this particular mistype, good lord I nearly fell off the treadmill.

2) Last Friday I was reading along to the Michael Jackson story on whatever station was on when I got there, and there was mention of him not having the "hoots pa" to stand up to his father.

New phrase to incorporate into everyday writing: hoots pa.

And the Oscar for best crying scenes goes to...

... Imelda Staunton for Vera Drake. I didn't dislike this movie. I didn't love it either. I can't give really good reasons for either of those oh-so-eloquent critiques. She did cry a lot in the movie, though, that's for sure.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

While I was out.

Got a catalog in the mail yesterday from Design Within Reach. I'm really not sure whose "reach" they are within, other than "not mine." But it did inspire me to seek out a chair for my bedroom like I've been meaning to do for weeks now. So off to Ikea I went.

Those of you who hated my orange corduroy "captain's log" chair will be sorely disappointed with my purchase. Those of you who loved it (which I am guessing, really just comes down to me and the cat) will be pleasantly surprised with the new dark red corduroy chair. I just offer the caveat that it is called the Lunna chair, so minus an "n" how could I resist? (It also totally matches the rest of the decor in that room, and it's really comfy...)

She has yet to grace the chair with her presence but given how little I paid for it, I won't be too sad when she uses it as a scratching post like she did the orange one.

I also bought a matching armchair for my couch, which cost me about five times as much as the red corduroy chair. So in some karmic universe it all balances out... Right?

Thursday, June 02, 2005

The almost-Friday five.

My favorite five song lyrics at the moment, in no particular order, and for various reasons:

  • "I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve, I have a history of losing my shirt" (Barenaked Ladies)
  • "Take a long drown with me of California wine" (The Decemberists)
  • "We've got rules and maps and guns in our backs but we still can't just behave ourselves even if to save our own lives so, says I, we are a brutal kind" (The Shins)
  • "I was always brave and kind of righteous, now I find I’m wavering... crawl out of your grave, you find this fight just doesn’t mean a thing" (Buffy)
  • "If no out there understands you start your own revolution and you cut out the middleman" ... followed closely by "the revolution is just a t-shirt away" and "if you've got a blacklist I want to be on it" in the same song (Billy Bragg)

Add your own!

Auras and readings and healings, oh my.

Today I participated in a group aura photo. I think it was originally intended as a gag gift for someone's birthday, and I think some of the participants still think of it as that... But I was very intrigued by the whole thing. When the people conducting things like aura photos/readings/healings/etc truly seem to believe in what they are doing, it's surprisingly hard for me not to believe in it too.

The psychics were quite patient with us as we did our group photo, though I'm convinced they were cringing inside at our seven clashing auras the entire time. We only got one copy of the good one and all I really recall in terms of being able to interpret it, is a bright splash of yellow near one of the people. "In good health and friendly..." Yeah, that sounds about right.

They do pet aura photos too (and pet aura photo/reading combos, all of which I must admit I am not at all likely to buy into). But if I did, and if I could get her to sit still long enough, Luna's aura would be DARK RED. I'm pretty sure of that.

Low prices and inhumane working conditions aren't all they offer!

Attention single folk: "keep checking your circulars; the trend could arrive soon." Awwwwwriiiight!!

(In light of my post a few days ago, is this a spooky coincidence, or is it just me?)

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Random sightings.

Speaking of ye olde bus stop, there is a guy who occasionally graces its presence, who I've been slightly intrigued with but have never approached, which isn't really surprising given my own weariness with people who talk to me* at the bus stop. He's not incredibly attractive or anything - I think I've been intrigued because he lives down the street from me and it would be rather convenient. And he reads the paper every day.

My standards have lowered significantly since hitting 20-10.

Anyway, I saw him this weekend at Target... He was perusing the "food" department.

He didn't even need to meet up with his girlfriend a few minutes later. Perusing the Target "food" department did him in for me. The girlfriend was the nail in the coffin.

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* In addition to the aforementioned late-for-jury-duty person, there's also Crazy Cat Lady, who for all intents and purposes is harmless, she just likes to show you a picture of her cat (who looks an awful lot like dearly departed Riley) and tell you the SAME CAT STORY OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. You tolerate it because you know that's going to be you someday.

And then there's Jesus Freak, who tries to get you to come to her church but also tells you fun stories about her and her boyfriend who only wants her for sex (mind you she's, like, SIXTY, no offense to any older readers but, EEEEEW) and who she gets into the occasional all-out fistfight with.

Gotta love public transportation.

Attention, members of society.

Three pieces of advice:

1. Do not blame the public transportation system for the fact that you overslept and now you're going to be late for jury duty. (The bus isn't late, you are. How dare you interrupt my morning listen of Bright Eyes to complain to me about it... I wear headphones at the bus stop for a reason. Tell it to the judge, haha.)

2. Do not blame the American Red Cross for making you read the "what you should know about giving blood" sheets every time you give blood. (So many things wrong here, not the least of which is that you could read the sheets fourteen THOUSAND times over before you are actually called even though you scheduled an appointment, so it's not like it's delaying you in the slightest. You still got in ahead of me, so shut your piehole already.)

3. Do not waste airtime voicing these complaints around me because it will only reinforce the fact that I genuinely dislike people as a whole.

Thank you!

Monday, May 30, 2005

Damn you, Murphy, damn you.

And I don't mean Peter Murphy, who apparently has a new album out, which I should investigate. I mean Mr. Murphy - THE Murphy, of 's law fame. So I buy these expensive fancy schmancy cookie sheets with the intention of baking the world's greatest oatmeal raisin cookies to take to some coworkers tomorrow, and batch after batch turned out like crap. I think I did something wrong in the batter, but it's much more satisfying to blame the fancy schmancy cookie sheets (even though I also tried an old cookie sheet to no avail).

Also this weekend...

In Good Company: I stand corrected. If Dennis Quaid sticks to middle-aged washed up sales guys, he will do just fine in what remains of his career. About the movie though... It was cute and endearing and all that shit. But it reminded me too much of my job and left me wishing I had Garden State readily available. So, thumbs hovering midway on that one.

The Sea Inside: OK. I didn't dislike this movie, exactly - in fact I was engaged throughout, but I really didn't see what all the fanfare was about. Oscar worthy? Not that I've seen any of the others, but... really? Again, midway thumbs - but closer to up than down for sure.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Don Cheadle mania.

The United States of Leland: I don't know how to describe it - Donnie Darko meets American Beauty meets... Elephant? Which might explain why I really, really liked pieces of this film and really, really disliked other pieces. The concept of ridding people of sadness was intriguing, but the copout of "I'm human" to explain mistakes made was maddening. At any rate, Cheadle was fantabulous. (So were Martin Donovan and Ryan Gosling.)

Hotel Rwanda: I don't even know what to say. Other than, that Cheadle was robbed at the Oscars. ROBBED... And also, I cried my eyes out and temporarily felt bad for living in a nice apartment in a free country. Sadly, the bad feeling didn't last. That truly bothers me immensely - but hey, look, I have wine and pizza and a brand new fancy schmancy cookie sheet! Mission distraction-from-real-life accomplished.

90 minutes well spent.

It's really sad that it took me an hour and a half to figure out how to add a sidebar section to this template... but it did. Four years ago I could've updated the whole shebang in 15 minutes flat.

But there it is, in all its glory! I also ditched the stupid template profile in exchange for my own scaled down version. Minor things, aesthetic- and content-wise, but achievements none the less.

Yay me!

Friday, May 27, 2005

Isn't it ironic, part II...

FDA Looking into Blindness-Viagra Link.

... it's like rain on your wedding day ...

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Because we needed more proof that Tom Cruise was a moron.

From a recent Dish:

Tom Cruise has criticized Hollywood pal Brooke Shields' "misguided" use of the anti-depressant Paxil, while declaring the actress' career as over.

In an interview with Billy Bush on TV's "Access Hollywood" to be screened on Thursday, Cruise speaks of his disappointment to learn Shields used Paxil to fight post-natal depression following the birth of her daughter Rowan.

Shields is currently weaning herself off her medication so she and husband Chris Henchy can have another child.

Cruise says actress should have used vitamins to help her feelings of despair.

Cruise says, "Here is a woman, and I care about Brooke Shields because I think she is an incredibly talented woman. You look at, where has her career gone?"

Cruise maintains, "These drugs are dangerous. I have actually helped people come off.

"When you talk about postpartum, you can take people today, women, and what you do is you use vitamins. There is a hormonal thing that is going on, scientifically, you can prove that. But when you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that.

"You can use vitamins to help a woman through those things."

I don't even care if he's correct (not that I really think he is). He's a MAN. Therefore he has no right to speak on this topic. Oh, and for the record, coming back from absolutely nothing for many years, and having a successful TV show for several years, and then dropping fame to have a baby and be a responsible parent, is where her career has gone.

Bloody moron.

Isn't it ironic...

Find Luddite Groups in Your Area!

... don'tcha think?

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

All work and no play...

... makes me a very cranky girl.

In other news, recently viewed (though not tonight, because I was doing a little of my paid and a LOT of my unpaid job tonight, not that I'm COMPLAINING or anything, um, haha):*

The Best Years of Our Lives: another oldie but goodie. Fredric March put in a(nother) fine performance as the town drunk, and the film itself was a timeless tale of what happens when soldiers return from the war. This is just going to suck by comparison.

Miracle: OK, confession time. I am a hockey fan. A big hockey fan. There, I admit it. I have been for years and years - though, being on the west coast without easy access to viewing the games of all the tremendously talented east coast teams (ahem Sharks suck ahem) has left me lagging in my attention to the game. Lucky for me, it didn't really matter this season...

Anyway! I knew of the story behind this movie, but was too young to experience the thrill when it happened. The film was a pretty excellent re-enactment (once you got past the Disney angle... yeah, sure, he never swore at them... riiiiiiight). The director put a lot of effort into making the movie as close to real life as he possibly could, down to choosing hockey players/actors who looked like the original teammates and choreographing the moves of the players during the games to match those in the original games. So, in summary, I liked this movie a lot. And I need hockey season this fall DAMMIT. Do you hear me, you greedy bastards?? (Kidding. Sorta.)

In yet other news, I love the Shins.

And to all, a good night.

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* For those of you wondering, yes, I have nothing better to do in my spare time than watch movies, because that's usually about all I have the brainpower to handle. It's a tough job but someone's gotta do it!

Monday, May 23, 2005

What to do with your spare time in 80 years.

In a recent issue of Mother Jones, they declared that "global warming is slowing the earth's rotation [such that] by the end of the 21st century, we'll have gained an extra 0.11 milliseconds per day." So those of us looking for more time in the day shall get our wish. Hooray for depleting ozones!

Also noted:

  • The snows of Kilimanjaro are rapidy vanishing.
  • Arctic sea ice is up to 40% thinner than it was in the 1960s.
  • The first recorded South Atlantic hurricane was in March 2004.
  • Lake Chad* covered 9650 square miles in 1963. Today it covers less than 500.
And most importantly:
  • A melting glacier in the Yukon revealed an 8-foot-tall, half-mile-long pile of ancient caribou dung.
Again I ask, has our government seen The Day After Tomorrow?

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* Lake Chad is in Africa. Footnote provided for those of you who might not know where that lake was, because you did not hear a 6th grade geography report read by a girl who was obsessed with the country of Chad on the continent of Africa ... chosen specifically because the boy she liked was named Chad.

My report was on Peru. All I remember about Peru is that their capital is Lima (pronounced leeeema not lyma). I did not like a boy named Peru. I chose Peru because there wasn't a country named "Chris" at the time. Still don't think there is. They should do something about that. Get those kids involved in their educations, I say!

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Why I don't own a house.

Because if I did, I would've been charged a ridiculously enormously scary amount of money for the repair guy to come out and look at my oven to determine the problem, whereas being a renter, I merely got a phone call from my building manager advising me to try this and that. And "this" ended up working. Which means homemade pizza for dinner!

And THAT, my friends, is why I don't own a house.

Fast as lightning.

Recently viewed...

Runaway Jury, which could've been subtitled Runaway With Any Ounce of Hope Or Faith I Ever Had In Our Justice System: up until the end I was interested (and mortified and disgusted). But then the end came and I felt betrayed by Hollywood... as I am wont to do. And then I found myself distracted with wondering how different the movie would've been had Gene Hackman and Dustin Hoffman been playing each others' roles instead of the ones they were cast for... He who can do no wrong* was his usual fine self though.

Kung Fu Hustle
: worth every penny of my $3 Parkway matinee admission. And then some.

_________________
* Say what you will about Serendipity, America's Sweethearts, Pushing Tin, Conair, etc. Go ahead. I will stick my fingers in my ears and sing LALALALALALALALALA until you are done.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Kinda makes you want a seven-course meal, followed by a siesta.

This is a complete insult to my mom, who made a hell of a chicken pot pie back in the day. Why does everything have to come in a box? Why does every fast food restaurant have to have a "Family Meal" package? (Subquestion: why do families who eat these "Family Meals" eat them in front of the TV or in the car?) Why does everything in this world need to be done FASTER?

It makes me tired.

And... um... hungry.

In related news, my oven is broken. Guess that means no Banquet Homestyle Bake for me tonight.

Parental advisory: explicit content.

There is much ado in the 'net bantering world about Dave Matthews Band snubbing iTunes. My favorite is "Nobody tells ME what to do with MY FUCKING MONEY!! NO ONE!! FUCK THAT!"

Haha.

I don't have an opinion, as I probably won't buy the album regardless of where it's sold. I do have a suggestion for DMB though - if it is indeed the money you're concerned about, and not the "artistic integrity of the album," stop giving free concerts. The Stones and U2 can charge up to $400 for their concert tickets, and so can you. You'll still make some money and all those charities will benefit a hundred times over.

Of course, you'll have to project the sound via loudspeaker to the parking lot where all the financially challenged hippies are hanging out...

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Wise guy, eh?

My brother is coming to visit sometime this summer, so yesterday I asked him to check into flights and let me know what he comes up with. He doesn't travel much. Here is the exchange that followed:

"what is the process of check into flights?"

"www.united.com, www.southwest.com, www.jetblue.com, www.expedia.com, www.orbitz.com or call a AAA travel agent (if you still have AAA) and see what kind of price they can get you."

"...but I'm not an alcoholic."

I lived with this comedian for roughly 22 years... Explains a lot, doesn't it?

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Skills to pay the bills.

I'm a bit stuck on my next move right now, so at the suggestion of someone who knows a little sumthin' about this kind of stuff (and out of curiosity - I love this sort of crap), I took the Campbell Interest and Skill Survey. I'm still digesting the 21 pages of results, but my immediate reaction is that my childhood aspirations may have been right on... Back in the day, I'd pretend I was a teacher, or a doctor, or a veternarian. According to this test, those are all things I should highly consider pursuing.

Not that any one test says anything, of course - it's just interesting that I pretended to be these things when I was young and this is what came up tonight, and also interesting that I've lately been pondering going back to school to become a vet.* ("Interesting" along the lines of how my psychic reading of my past lives was "interesting.") Coincidence? You be the judge.

And shockingly, according to this test, I should avoid careers in sales and financial services. Well, golly gosh darn it all to heck!!

________________
* Pondering. Only pondering. I mean, biology classes - YEESH.

Oldies but goodies.

At the suggestion/loan of a friend I recently watched two old movies. I'm usually not a fan of old movies - the ones I've seen have tended to be slow and dry and overly dramatic and full of bad acting and generally snoozeworthy. Not to criticize, of course.

I did enjoy A Star Is Born (the very first original old school one) though. There was just enough cynicism and underlying depression to really engage me, and the acting was terrific... And hey, any Hitchcock movie is okay in my book. If Fredric March's "Star..." performance was any indication, I am betting I will enjoy the third loan as well...

Not an oldie and also not a goodie - The Day after Tomorrow. Never again will I utter, "Jake Gyllenhaal, how bad could it be?" I do have a few questions though... Has our government seen this movie*? Who still thinks that Dennis Quaid can act? And why couldn't the wolves prevail, just ONCE?? Poor wolves.

________________
* And I mean, in the "detriment to the environment" sense, not in the "let's invade Mexico!" sense. Lord knows they don't need any more bright ideas in that department.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Closed captioning provided by the... impaired.

At the gym tonight, the yoga class was still going strong, so those of us on the treadmills respectfully turned down the volume on the TVs and set the closed captioning to "on." In the span of 40 minutes, I read some very interesting news stories about Al Meet A* and Peed Mont, montana lions and the fact that the military's "don't ask don't tell" policy is offensive to gaze.

Hell. If all else fails, I could get a job as a typist for the closed captioning folks.

________________
* People. It's RUGBY. I don't care if it's male or female rugby, it's RUGBY. What do you expect?

You only get what you give, and how to get free stuff.

As previously noted, the moment I turned 30 my skin turned into that of a desert rat. Since January I've been trying to resolve the issue with store-bought lotions and store-bought "moisturizing" makeup, all to no avail. Finally, after hearing my friend mention several times that she'd spent the weekend buying quality makeup she didn't need at Nordstroms as part of a comfort activity, I decided to check out the scene. (Didn't hurt that I had a lot of money in gift certificates that I was looking to burn.)

So on the last day of my vacation I ventured into the makeup section of the multi-tiered Nordstroms in the city. At first it was overwhelming - the colors! the lights! the makeup girls! the scents! the price tags! - and I almost turned back, but a surge of bravery overcame me and I plodded on. I kept my iPod earplugs plugged to appear as though I was merely browsing, which seemed to kind of work on the sales girls upstairs a few minutes before. But then SHE appeared. After hearing that I was looking for moisturizing foundation, she happily obliged... and then some. And for some strange reason, I succumbed.

Fifteen minutes later, I was decked out in a ratty t-shirt, ratty jeans, ratty Chuck Taylors, and plum eye shadow, eggplant mascara, pink lip gloss and lipliner, "bronzer" (I still don't really know what that is), blush and - yep - moisturizing foundation. It took a lot of effort not to burst out laughing when I saw myself in the mirror.* The foundation felt like just what the doctor ordered, though, not surprising at A LOT OF MONEY A JAR (you only get what you give), so I asked for a bottle and subtly mentioned that I don't normally wear all that other goop. Information which she took rather well. I imagine they're used to it. If I ever get married, hell, I'm going there before the ceremony. Free makeover!

Anyway, of course they were out of the "tone" of foundation I needed (and how to get free stuff) so she gave me 2 little vials of free foundation and took my phone number. A week later, I returned to the store where a flamboyantly gay man called me "little lady" and finally handed over my purchase. And now I still have most of the 2 vials plus what appears to be a six-month supply of really, really good shit. Um, makeup, that is. Lest the DEA gets confused.

And the moral of this long girlie story is... I dunno. Pay a lot of money and your skin will no longer look like that of a desert rat? Frankly, I'm still hung up on the "little lady" reference.

________________
* A few hours later I went for a run, and forgot that I had all that goop on my face, and wiped my face with my sleeve... which is now purple for life.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

File under: recently viewed

In no particular order...

Fahrenheit 451: This probably doesn't even count because I watched about 15 minutes of it, fell asleep and returned it the next day. There must be something about those older movies based on old books I absolutely love, that I can't stand. It seems that a new version has also been announced. Woohoo.

Kill Bill, Vol. 2: I get it now. I really get it now. I completely appreciate them both so much more now. It helped to watch the "making of" extra which almost convinced me that Quentin didn't just split them up into two volumes to make twice as much money, that there was method to his madness. Almost.

An Ideal Husband: Snorefest 2005, circa 1999. So much for Netflix recommendations.

And finally, something I've been pondering off and on since I saw it, and have been meaning to write about but haven't quite known what to say... Crash. I still don't know what to say. I guess I liken it, in a sense, to a morph of Magnolia set in L.A. I guess I can see how some people might think it's over the top, exaggerated, overrated. And I guess if you don't feel uncomfortable after having watched it, or if it doesn't at least get you thinking, then I probably don't understand you. And that's okay... it's just an observation.

And in case YOU don't read the Dish...

"Director Oliver Stone has cut the gay references from his "Alexander" movie for the DVD version of the 2004 flop.

Stone claimed his epic was unpopular with American audiences because of the subtle homosexual content.

He said, "They didn't even read the reviews in the South because the media was using the words: 'Alex is Gay.' As a result you can bet that they thought, 'We're not going to see a film about a military leader that has got something wrong with him.'"

In the DVD version, the relationship between Colin Farrell's Alexander the Great character and Hephaistion -- played by Jared Leto -- will be portrayed as simply a friendship.

However, fans of Rosario Dawson will be pleased to know more angles of her character Roxanne's naked exposure will be included in the DVD."

I'll leave you to your own comments about the overall idiocy of Oliver Stone's mentality.* I will add my two cents to the last paragraph though: but of course.

________________
*
Okay, no I won't (but add your own!): Um, yeah, it's not that the movie SUCKED, it's because of the gay references. RIIIIIGHT. And yes, heaven forbid we watch ANYTHING having to do with military leaders having something wrong with them. Because we aren't inundated with that EVERY SINGLE DAY OF OUR LIVES right now.

Proud as a peacock.

Tonight my brain needed a short nap before settling down to do some hard unpaid job work, so I turned on the TV and watched 30 minutes of Joey, the show that USA Today hails "hands down the best sitcom of the new season" (according to the web site - I don't make a habit of reading USA Today*).

In that 30 minutes I saw at least 4 plot lines from various Friends episodes. And tonight's episode was 60 minutes long. You do the math.

I can't believe that chick from the Sopranos opted for this career move.

________________
* Now, the Daily Dish, on the other hand... OH NO!! "Comedian Dave Chappelle has been forced to put his top-rated Comedy Central show on hold after checking into a South African psychiatric hospital.

Entertainment Weekly reports the cult funnyman checked into the mental health facility on April 28.

The upcoming third season premiere of "Chappelle's Show" has been postponed indefinitely. The comic recently signed a $50 million deal with Comedy Central for two more seasons of his show."

Saturday, May 07, 2005

On manner mode.

Thursday night I accidentally set my phone to "manner mode" (vibrate only). Punchline #1: I've been trying to figure out how to set the phone to vibrate only for MONTHS now,* and doing it without realizing it was just utterly annoying. Punchline #2: I couldn't figure out how to turn the "manner mode" OFF. This turned out to be a great thing in the end - my phone hasn't rung in DAYS!!

Today I was driving around and it occured to me that it would be great to have a "people remote control" - not only for the "mute" button potential, but also for "manner mode." Cross the street right in front of me even though my light is green? Manner mode! Don't want to hold the door for me when both my hands are completely full? Manner mode! Taste an olive from the olive bar using your hands instead of the toothpick? Manner mode!

Sigh. I am really starting to think I am headed straight for hermitville.

________________
* Yeah, I have the user's manual. Your point is ... ??? Haha. I did finally pull it out and now I know the magic trick.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

SLOW DOWN.

I have a very fond memory of me and my oldest friend sitting in our high school library while something French-related was going on. Rather than paying attention we kept repeating the following dialogue from the episode of Taxi where Jim is taking his driving test:

Jim: "Pssst. What does the yellow light mean?"
Bobby: "Slow down."
Jim: "Whaaat doooess the yelllllow liiiiight mean?"
Bobby: "SLOW DOWN."
Jim: "WHHHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTTT DOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS THE YELLLLLLOOOOOOOOWWWW LIIIIIIIIIIGH MEEEEEEEANNNN?"

(Ridiculous giggling fits ensued. It's a miracle we didn't get kicked out, or suspended, or something equally offensive.)

Why that's relevant: I am currently watching VH1's "I Love the 70s: 1979" and they just showed that particular scene. All the celebrity commentators said that's their most memorable scene from Taxi. Validation. :)

Seriously though, sometimes I'm really amazed at the things I remember. I can remember that we were in the library for something French-related, but after five years of French schooling I can't remember more than five words of the French language itself. (One of the five that I can remember is "pamplemousse" - which means grapefruit - which is my least favorite citris fruit. Go figure.)

Aww! And now they're talking about the Muppet Movie, my favorite movie EVER (or, sometimes tied with Hair, also made in 1979 but surprisingly without a mention on the show).

... I love the 70's.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Mayhem on eBay.

This is really getting out of control ... But it's sooooooo funny. Almost as good as the one that went around a while ago, which I can't recall at the moment, something about someone selling their university president on eBay?

They already took her match.com profile down. Rats. Suffice to say, it contained the phrase, "more baggage than a cruise ship."

Haha. But seriously, what a nice perspective when you start to think that YOU'VE got issues.

I've got the fever...

... and the only cure is ... MORE BASEBALL!

Haha. Just kidding. Actually, the only cure is MORE JIMMY FALLON! who was rather adorable in Fever Pitch. Yes sports fans, it's still in theaters ... for about 10 more minutes. See it while you can.

In other movie news, I have tried to make it through Catch 22 a few times this week. I dunno, I totally loved the book and I guess I just don't think the movie is doing it justice. Besides, I can't really get past Jon Voight's character in Midnight Cowboy to enjoy him in this flick. (And have you noticed how much Angelina looks like him in his much younger days? It's freaky.) I'll keep trying though ... what else am I going to do - after all, I'm on vacation, and it's raining! And I'm not bitter about that! Because I'm not at work!! WOOHOO!!

Monday, May 02, 2005

Office Space on crack, and then some sap.

I watched Employee of the Month. I'd never heard of it before walking into the video store tonight. I really liked this movie. It starred Matt Dillon and Steve Zahn (both of whom I will watch in, well, basically anything), plus Christina Applegate (who should've gotten a frigging Oscar for her performance... okay maybe that's exaggerated but damn, she was convincing), and the ending is all twisty-turny. What's not to love?

And then, because I am on vacation and refuse to do anything remotely intellectual, I watched the WB. I have a friend who is fascinated by the horrifically bad shows on the WB (e.g. Seventh Heaven and Everwood). I get the Seventh Heaven revulsion (I mean really dear God really what family really lives like that really?!?!) but I have to say, tonight I was rooting for Amy on Everwood. And now I am officially roped in for three more weeks till the season finale.

Damn you, WB. Damn you.

More on shopping (sorry).

I got a late start today (I'm on vacation!! so it doesn't matter!!) so instead of heading into the city as planned to try to use my Nordstroms gift certificates, I went to Walnut Creek.

(If you know me, you might know that I'm not too fond of shopping, especially given my "low people tolerance" factor. Except for shoes. I loooooooove shoe shopping. This is odd, because I have far fewer pairs of shoes than the normal woman. I think I just like the fact that, unlike with clothes, the size is pretty much guaranteed to fit, and so the experience overall is much more gratifying.)

Digressions: I have often wondered this when I work from home and run errands during lunchtime, and today I really wondered it. Why are all these people milling about in a shopping center on a Monday? Do they not work? How can I get that deal? Are they rich and therefore don't have to work? (This was definitely the case with some of the gussied-up women. Me, I was in overalls and flip flops... Clearly not the case for me.) Are they retired? Are they SAHMs in need of adult interaction? Are they taking a day off, like me?

I also wonder, when I go to Walnut Creek to shop, why people get dressed up to go shopping. A phenomenon I really don't get. It just seems like an utter waste of time, energy and makeup. End of digressions.

I've found that overalls and flip flops tend to keep the psycho salespeople away from you when you're browsing at Nordstroms. Clearly you are not worthy of their attention... and that's the way you like it. Today was an exception. I was browsing the shoes (see above) and I noticed a salesperson stalking me. I mean, really stalking me. She was hovering about ten feet away, and anytime I'd pick up a shoe (or look remotely interested in a shoe) she would start to head over. Then I'd put the shoe down or move on to the next display, and she'd divert her path slightly and hover some more. After five minutes I started to just mess with her. I couldn't help myself. "Oooh, this hot pink sequened stiletto looks soooooo me! Let me pick it up and examine it closely... Hmm, naaah maybe not. How about this leopard skin clog? Hey, it's my size, let me try it on real quick. Hmm, naaah. Perhaps this strappy little number I wouldn't be caught dead in?"

What can I say, it was fun. And it worked - she got the message and left me alone to browse.

________________
Note to self - mass quantities of vacation days : spending WAY TOO MUCH money :: Gap mucky mucks : spending WAY TOO MUCH money on the Governator's campaigns

How now, brown sweater.

I have searched and searched and SEARCHED for a brown sweater I can wear with a nice (very cheap) skirt I got a while back. Apparently spring is not the season for brown. Now, that's just shocking.

Today at the Gap I found the perfect brown summer sweater that will go very nicely with my skirt. I was so excited about my purchase... until I got in the car. The first radio commerical I heard was about how terrible it was to shop at the Gap because (among other reasons) all the mucky mucks there financially support the Governator, who, as we all know, is a horrible, horrible person and politician.

Hmm. Sorry, California teachers, children, nurses, environmentalists and everyone else with an ounce of humanity in their sad little souls. I am NOT returning that sweater. Goddammit.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Attention jackasses who buy all the concert tickets just to resell them for a lot of money on Craig's List....

You SUCK. Oh, and also, you're screwed. Hopefully, anyway.

That is all.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Runaway bride.

AKA, one of the many reasons why I haven't read/watched the news in about four weeks.

This will be a really inappropriate post if the story ends badly, but I am so tired of hearing about women faking their own disappearances because they don't want to follow through with the wedding.

Then again, I'm also really tired of hearing about homocidal husbands who kill their wives. Let's hope it doesn't go that route.

Don't panic.

I happened to remember that Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was opening today, so I planned my day around a matinee viewing. Hooray for vacations!!

I didn't read any reviews so as not to have expectations. It turned out to be exactly what one would expect a Douglas Adams book(s)-turned-movie to be - which was a pleasant surprise... Plus the added bonuses (boni?) of staring at Martin Freeman for 90 minutes and appearances by Sam Rockwell, John Malkovich and Alan Rickman (who was a hilarious Marvin).

I don't recall the presidential jabs from the books, but then again I read them over 10 years ago. If anyone can confirm/refute that they were added into the movie, that would be appreciated.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

How not to start your vacation.

Watch Closer, followed immediately by Midnight Cowboy. Holy crap, what depressing movies. What really, really, really good, but really, really, really depressing, movies.

I also recently saw Spanglish, which I enjoyed a lot. And Chris Rock's Bring the Pain. Thank God for those.

Vacation, day #1.

I took seven business days off due to a slight break in the workload, and also the fact that I'm not too fond of my job right now. Judging from how today was spent, I'm thinking I'm going to be spending a LOT of money in the next week or so.

One place I spent money today was Costco, the magical warehouse of mass quantities of crap. It was my first visit as a "real member" and I only wanted to case the joint on a day other than Saturday to see what I should hold off on buying at Longs and Target. Naturally I didn't call to see what time they opened, and I arrived at 9:30 am to find that they didn't open until 10 am. So I went down the street and got Mom some peanut brittle from See's, and picked up a few more houseplants at Home Depot since Luna doesn't seem to be eating the first one I brought home. At 10:05 am I headed back to Costco.

Had I read the sign correctly, I would've seen that my lousy "gold membership" didn't allow me into the store until 11 am. SIGH. I stomped back to my car and headed to Nordstrom Rack to look for shoes. At 11:15 am I arrived back at Costco for the third time, and was finally permitted entry.

While browsing, I found this, this and this. Dear. God. Why.

________________
You can also buy caskets through Costco online. Yeesh.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

And while we're on the subject...

I've been vaguely trying the dating thing (again). I've (again) come to the conclusion that it's a complete and utter waste of time, that (again) I'm not going to meet anyone reasonable through any online means, that (again) the bar scene is SOOOOOO not for me, and that (again) I'm much happier going home and doing whatever the hell I want to do without having to consult with anyone.

Crazy-Aunt-Jenny-land, here I come.

Attention, married men!!

Please wear your damn wedding rings. That is all. Thank you.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Democracy in action.

A petition to keep Arrested Development around for another season... The show that brings us such wonderful lines as, "I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I'll be at the bar. "

And also - a petition to get "them" to release The Critic on DVD... That show made me laugh.

Hanging ten.

I went to a couch-surfing party today (my favorite kind of surfing), which featured a replay of the Half Moon Bay Mavericks surf competition and other incredible video of surfers. At one point I commented that I'd like to marry a surfer.

Despite interviews with the been-stoned-one-too-many-days-of-their-lives competitors, and a hilarious interview with a bleached blond "scientologist of surfing" (my own terminology - but it fits), I stand by my affirmation. How cool it would be, to be that engaged with someone who completely respects one of the vital elements and who lives his life to be a part of - and suffer through - and conquer - something so out of his own control.

That was way too many "be"s. Sorry. But really, it's much more interesting to me than being that engaged with a fire-eater, or a tornado-chaser, or a geologist.

Then again, it would probably be a lot like dating a musician, and lord knows that SUCKS. Hmm... Maybe I'll just learn to surf instead.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

"Feel the city breakin’ and everybody shakin’..."

I've been pretty good about exercising lately - at least 2 days of weights and at least 3 days of walking or walking-running a week. In the gym I can set intervals on the treadmill, so I walk for 2 mins and run for 3 or 4 mins (depending on how I feel that day), and rotate for 40-45 minutes. When I go around the lake, I use my iPod "workout" playlist to estimate the intervals - run for a song, walk for a song.

(There is a reason for this lengthy intro.)

Today at the lake I was finishing up my last running interval and just as the song ended and I started walking, the Bee Gee's "Stayin' Alive" began...

It took every ounce of remaining strength not to start strutting and doing the disco arm as I walked the final hundred feet to my car. EVERY OUNCE.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

New respect for Christian...

... Christian Slater, that is. I had no idea that River Phoenix was slated for his role in Interview With a Vampire and that Christian took it over when River died. I also had no idea that he donated his salary for the movie to River's favorite charity.

(It's on the web, so it must be true!)

Marketing - not his strong suit.

I was recently approached by a "petition signature gatherer" or whatever their official title is. He had five petitions. When I asked him what the issues were about, he fumbled his way through three of them, and instead of explaining the other two, he said "This is my first day, I don't really know what these are all about."

Puzzled, I inquired who his employer was, and he mumbled something about "some guy in Berkeley."

At which point I nodded, wished him luck, and went on my way. Yeah. Good luck with that.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Must. Find. This.

Driving to the vet I saw a bumper sticker that said, "If you can read this, you're not the President."

Haha.

Unrelated, it seems that cats get seasonal allergies too, which explains Luna's recent itchy issues. Like mine, her allergies developed later in life. It's getting weird how much we are acting like each other these days.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

"I know it's pretty damn weird to eat people."

Recently seen...

Sin City: Having never read the graphic art novels (or whatever they're called) I wasn't sure what to expect. I loved this movie. Loved it. LOVED IT. It was gory and glorified and pretentious and creepy and... did I mention gory? (See subject of post.) It literally was a comic book made into a movie. Genius, sheer genius.

Butterfly Effect: Okay. I rented this (online of course!) because I was curious. I had no expectations whatsoever. Turns out, it really wasn't half bad. I didn't think his acting was any worse than normal, and the story kept me interested until the very end (which sucked, natch - but this is true with me and most movies). What a pleasant surprise to expect to hate something and end up liking it.

Shark Tale, on the other hand: BLEAH. At least I balanced my checkbook and did all my ironing during that one. I did chuckle at the "You had me at hello!" reference. But that was about it...

Saturday, April 16, 2005

The monkey lane!!

The guy behind me in the grocery store tonight kept telling his 3(ish) year old son that he was a monkey (presumably because he kept squirming around in the cart), and that they might have to move from the "express" lane to the "monkey" lane.

"We're going to have to ask the manager where the monkey lane is! Time to go to the monkey lane! Which lane is the monkey lane! We'll have to find the monkey lane! The monkey needs his monkey lane!" Repeat ad nauseum.

(I am not making any of that up.)

Judging from the look he gave me when he handed me the receipt, I think the cashier shared my "shut the hell up already about the monkey lane" sentiment...

Friday, April 15, 2005

Disturbing headline du jour.

Beer Bottles Key in Search for Girl.

The story is pretty disturbing too, of course.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

I'll be returning my salt lick

Lately (and I mean, in the past week or so) I've noticed that I am really sensitive to salt. I just gave blood and my bp was in the normal range... So I'm sure this is another fun by-product of getting older rather than some serious illness I need to start paying attention to and/or taking meds for. (Right?? I mean, shit like this is a bit too scary. Damn the Internet. Damn it.)

But because the sensitivity has been so prominent, it's really been making me think about the kind of food I eat. For a vegetarian I don't eat enough fruits and vegetables. And even though I try not to, I eat a lot of processed food (veggie burgers and other fake meat being the main culprits) and also WAY TOO MUCH cheese. All of which has, you guessed it, a lot of salt. So tonight for dinner I made baked tofu (plain) with broccoli and mushrooms, and threw a little pepper onto it. Salt content = O mg... Fat = 0 g. Taste = the big goose egg as well.

Sigh. This must be how my parents feel after every meal.

Somewhat related but not really, I've also been eating less bread lately, just because I have been, not because I'm on some psycho-pseudo-Atkins diet or anything. I'm more sensitive to that now too. Today I had a bagel and my digestive system essentially said, "NUH-UH!!!" (Wait, was that too much information?)

In other news, I have a date on Saturday. My entire being is essentially saying, "NUH-UH!!!!"...

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I only owe you five dollars...

I stand corrected. My first phone call since getting a "real" phone line was from my smart-ass friend, who was responding to the mass email I sent out today saying "sorry for all the times my crappy cell phone cut us off mid-conversation, here's my new number that actually works." The message I got from my smart-ass friend was along the lines of "hel..o? are...oo there? ...can't...ar you..." along with some SOFAKEEVENPEEWEEHERMANWOULDBEASHAMED static noise between every syllable.

(I must admit, that was pretty clever. Made me laugh, anyway.)

However, the second call I got was from a telemarketer... And so it begins.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Even more sour grapes.

I finally bit the bullet and re-signed up for a land line because my cell phone gets ZERO reception in my apartment. ("Can you hear me now?" "Um, no.") Turns out, the money I was saving on not having a land line was simply not worth the frustration and annoyance I caused people and coworkers who called me and inevitably got cut off mid-sentence several times during any given conversation.

Who knew.

After numerous tries to do this on SBC's web site (which, no matter how far in the process I got, kept punting me back to the first screen) I called and spoke with someone. As of tomorrow I shall have phone stability again. Which means I need to buy a phone tonight. A cool phone. With a good speakerphone... And a mute button. Wow, phones have come a long way since I last bought one - this one has a radio and an alarm. Why, it's perfect for telecommuting! Haha.

Anyway, the "even more sour grapes" come in here: in order for your name, address and number not to be listed anywhere, you actually have to pay a certain amount each month. Granted, it's only $0.28/month, so I won't be breaking the bank or anything, but really now. It's the principal of the matter.

Ten bucks says my first call will STILL be a telemarketer...

Sour grapes.

So my one friend scored two tickets to the exclusive Springsteen show at the Paramount next month, whereas I couldn't even get one... And my other friend actually met Bono yesterday.

Yeah, I'm bitter. What of it?!

Sunday, April 10, 2005

"Do your very best not to scream."

That's how bad the movies I've seen recently have been. In no particular order...

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason: I was actually looking forward to this after a night out with some single girlfriends where we discussed relationship shit ad nauseum, especially since I really enjoyed the first one. Suffice it to say, the disc kept stopping mid-sentence and after a few stops I shut it off, reported the problem to Netflix and asked that they not send me a replacement copy.

In the Company of Men
: See Sideways review, only with a better (read=less happy) ending. This one was actually scream-worthy for its content, but really well acted.

The Village (from which I drew the subject of this post, ironically): Just when you thought it couldn't get any more stupid, it does. Why oh why did I not heed all the warnings and leave it alone? Must not let the Joaquin/Adrian factors drive which movies I rent. Must... not...

And finally, one that I should probably give another go... Donnie Brasco: I'm sure this was a swell movie, but I was incredibly distracted by three things throughout that prevented me from enjoying it: that I need to round up some old Fugazi, that Anne Heche is a crazy person (not in the movie, just in general), and that the "forgetaboutit" dialogue was way too similar to that in the crappy Hugh Grant movie.

Approximately 8 hours of my life that I will not get back. Oh well, at least I can warn others...

The ups and downs of spring fever.

If you read this or know me at all, you know that I'm not a big fan of people in general. This is why I avoid jobs in customer service, why I don't see movies in movie theaters unless absolutely warranted, and why I hate sitting in airports.

Yesterday I did a lot of shopping and various errand-running, and every single person I encountered was incredibly pleasant, cheerful and helpful. I mean a lot of shopping, and I mean every single person. From the drivers, to the sales people, to the cashiers, to the security guards. I arrived at home in a really good mood and figured everyone must have spring fever.

Today the fever broke, and every single driver on the road pissed me off. I mean every single driver. I saw eight people littering around the lake (even while concerned citizens were picking up litter in some kind of organized fashion). And despite the nice signs saying "if you overfill the bins they won't take the recycling so please don't overfill the bins" placed over the recycling bins in my stairwell, some genius shoved a bunch of big cardboard boxes in the bin and the lid won't close.

Yep, it's spring... And I hate people.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Here's to the nut room!

Thank you, Daily Dish, for pointing out someone who's providing a little comic relief (and money well spent!!):

Director Tim Burton has spent six months training 200 squirrels for a scene in his latest movie, "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."

The original 1971 movie didn't include any animals, but the eccentric filmmaker was so desperate to create the "nut room" from Roald Dahl's original novel, he spent millions of dollars teaching the bushy-tailed rodents how to crack nuts and load them onto a conveyor belt.

The painstaking scene took another 10 weeks to shoot at London's Pinewood Studios.

A source says, "We used actual rodents. From birth, we sent them to training school for six months.

"Tim was determined to bring the nut room to life. Using squirrels proved too difficult in the first film but he spent millions of dollars getting it right."

Five things bugging me today.

None get qualifying "bugging me more than they should" comments either. This shit bugs me. In no particular order...

1. That kids have to pimp their wares in front of local businesses because the stupid government is too stupid to properly fund after-school programs. I hate saying no... but then again, I also hate handing over $2 to a 13 year old and getting a crappy candy bar back. Is this really for your baseball team, kid?

2. That pedestrians crossing in front of my apartment garage gate glare at me with PURE HATRED when my car and I crawl at turtle pace through the gate and don't realize they're there, so they have to step out of the way. Um, hello, you can HEAR the gate opening, therefore you KNOW that a car is most likely coming out, so perhaps you should STOP AND LOOK instead of continuing on your way and then shooting me menacing looks for not being able to SEE THROUGH CONCRETE. Sheesh.

3. That some people are in SUCH A HURRY that they cannot wait for me to cross the street before proceeding through the stop sign. Noooooo, they have to inch their way toward me until they are feet from me and then STOMP on the gas as soon as I've cleared their path. Gosh, I'm SO sorry I caused you to be 4 seconds later than you would've been.

4. That celebrity gossip is so freaking violent. Everybody's either slamming/attacking/fighting with/blasting each other, or being slammed/attacked/fought with/blasted. Can't we all just get along?? I know being a celebrity is, like, SO hard and all, but come on.

5. There is just not enough time in the day. In the week. In the life.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Now fear this!

I was a little surprised to learn that the most wished for item under Amazon's Health and Beauty section is currently Philips HeartStart Home Automated External Defibrillator. The description from the web site:

The Philips HeartStart Home Defibrillator. It's the latest in essential safety equipment. Fire extinguishers. Seat belts. Airbags. Home security systems. All essential safety equipment to protect yourself and your loved ones. You know they are there, silently standing by, just in case. They give you peace of mind so that you can focus on life's good things.*

Apparently virtually anyone can use it, it talks you through the steps to jump start someone's heart, but you can't use it on yourself. Darn.

Personally, I'd much rather have this any old day. No other present company needed for this baby. (No, it's not one of those. Get out of the gutter, you.)

________________
* I'm scared of what Amazon will start recommending now that I've looked at the details of the defibrillator...

THIS is the best we can come up with????

JACKSON CROWNED 'MOST FOOLISH AMERICAN' FOR THIRD TIME RUNNING

Troubled superstar Michael Jackson has been voted America's "Most Foolish Person" for the third year in a row, beating a murderer and President George W. Bush to the title. The annual April Fool's Day poll showed that the "Thriller" star was the most popular choice for the top spot, with convicted killer Scott Peterson, sentenced to death this month for murdering his heavily pregnant wife Laci, at second place. The list also featured his sister Janet Jackson at sixth place, in honor of her breast-flashing "wardrobe malfunction" gaffe, hotel heiress Paris Hilton came in at fourth place and disgraced lifestyle guru Martha Stewart at third. Compiler of the poll Jeff Barge says, "It's getting hard to envision an America in which Michael Jackson isn't the most foolish individual. Short of a lesbian wedding ceremony for Paris Hilton, it's hard to imagine who could possibly push him out of the number 1 spot."

THESE are the most foolish people we can think of??? Peterson was "FOOLISH"?? Hilton is "FOOLISH"?? Come ON, America. For the love of all that is holy, come ON.

Like a kid at Christmas!

I'm getting new furniture delivered today... Well, "furniture" - I'm still too chicken to buy grown-up furniture so I got the kind you have to put together. So technically I'm getting big slabs of wood delivered today... Well, "wood" - it is from Ikea after all. But the promised me it didn't come from the rainforest... Well, "promised" - I am pretty sure the kid I asked didn't know and couldn't have cared less. (But I asked, that counts for something, right? Right??)

I've not been this excited about something in a long time. Every time I hear a large vehicle coming up the hill I run to the window to see if it's THE truck. I guess the bigger question is, will I really be able to work once the delivery arrives? Will reviewing nine MILLION PAGES of documentation be compelling enough to keep me from ripping into the boxes and getting started on assembly?

I highly doubt it.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

So come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine.

Kudos to South Park for pointing out the insanity of this Terri Schiavo madness. And for showcasing Wing's ... err ... talents. I love those guys.

Top 5 things dummies shouldn't be doing.

5. Managing people.
4. Visiting San Francisco.
3. Philosophizing.
2. Procreating.

And the number one thing dummies should not be doing...

1. Homeschooling.

Special notice goes to those reading about Catholicism, religion, or the Bible for dummies. That explains SOOOOO very much about our country right now.

________________
This is all very tongue-in-cheek. However, I was quite stunned to get 1100 results when I searched Barnes and Noble's web site for "for dummies" books. What exactly does that say about us?

And speaking of down under...

This just in - I heard a rumor that somewhere out there, round trip airfare, SFO to Auckland, New Zealand = $650. Plus $163 if you bring fruit with you.

Must find out more info.

You have two freakin' Oscars, just pay the damn $140 fine.

(A.K.A. "stuff that's irritating right now.")

Two-time Oscar-winning actress Hilary Swank has been ordered to hand over $163 for taking an apple and orange into New Zealand.

Losing her bid for an appeal, the 30-year-old "Million Dollar Baby" star was issued notice of a fine for failing to declare the fruit snacks while arriving from Los Angeles on January 15. She later appealed the penalty.

But the Manukau District Court rejected Swank's appeal, and she was ordered to pay out $142 in fines plus an additional $21 for court fees.

In seeking to have her fine expunged, Swank reportedly wrote the New Zealand Ministry of Agriculture and Forestry a handwritten letter stating she "simply forgot" she had the fruits in her bag after her 20-hour flight.

File under: there oughta be...

There oughta be a web site that allows you to type in the name of any book, and what you get back is a list of the bricks&mortar stores that carry that book.

There oughta be a way to not show movies you've already rated when browsing the Netflix selections.

There outghta be a law against four hour conference calls...

Sunday, March 27, 2005

"Now that's a real shame..."

"... when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that."

I won $2 tonight - TWO WHOPPING DOLLARS - in "Blue State Hold 'Em" (because we all refused to call it "Texas Hold 'Em"). All I could think when I was cashing out was, "I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!!!" And now I really want to watch Better Off Dead. So I think I will.

Sunday, rainy Sunday.

Nothing like some old school Cure on a rainy Sunday afternoon... Although I think I'll fast forward past "Prayers for Rain." And maybe also "The Same Deep Water As You"...

Today I really wish I was a housecat.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Dublin or bust!!

I got a brochure in the mail today from the AIDS marathon folks, who were encouraging me (as they do every 3 months or so) to sign up for one of their endeavors. Normally I laugh profusely at the thought of running 26 miles in one day, and immediately toss the brochure in the recycling bin. But today something caught my eye: the next run they're planning is in DUBLIN!!!

For about five minutes I thought about it. I really thought about it. Really. I thought about how I could train to run 26 miles, I know people who've done that and lived to tell the tale. I thought about who I could get to sign up with me. I thought about how much my knees would hate me and how I could get over that. I thought about how I could balance fundraising for that with my other fundraising commitments.

And then I thought about how I could just GO TO IRELAND without training for 6 months and running 26 miles when I get there. And how I would probably enjoy the trip a lot more with healthy knees and feet. And so, once again, I laughed profusely and tossed the brochure in the recycling bin... And then I started doing a little vacation research.

Friday, March 25, 2005

The state of affairs.

I found this incredibly comforting today... I've been neglecting Mark Morford of late. I need to stop doing that.

Arrrrrrrrrrrr.

Korn rocker Jonathan Davis and his wife Deven have become the parents of a baby boy - and they've named him Pirate.

Arrrrrrrrrrrr.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Why, Hollywood, why?!?!

Three reasons I hate Hollywood right now:

1. Out of curiosity I watched The Grudge. I was sort of expecting to be scared silly, like I was with the original, so I geared myself up for that, but nooooooo. I found it silly... Perhaps because I kept thinking it was a Buffy episode... Perhaps because I got distracted halfway through with Luna's new bald spots*... Perhaps because I wasn't watching it in a lonely hotel room while sitting next to a closet with slatted sliding doors while a kid outside the hotel howled like the cat in the original... No, actually, I think it just sucked.

2. After that I caught 10 minutes of the American version of The Office. DEAR GOD WHY? The new "Tim" (whatever they're calling him) isn't even half as appealing as the old "Tim."

3. And finally, while searching for something to watch earlier tonight, I saw that there already seems to be a made-for-TV movie about Terri Schiavo. I'm too annoyed to try to verify that right now.

Hello, Hollywood?? Don't fuck with a good thing... And leave the limbo patients to their maker, whoever that might be. K? K.

________________
* I don't know what these are attributed to. The first time this happened I kinda knew it was because of the new couch, so I made arrangements for that (set up a nice little blanket for her and washed the couch covers repeatedly till the problem seemed to subside). But now I just have no idea... Unless SHE was freaked out by the Grudge movie and suddenly lost a lot of hair that miraculously disappeared. But I don't think so... Bald spots on an otherwise healthy cat are just freaky. Make a movie about THAT, Hollywood.

On being 30, and a caffeine addict.

(This actually happened a while ago but I was reminded of it again today.)

Right after I had my 30th birthday, I commented to my (slightly older) friend that it was strange how I'd been drinking more water than I used to drink every day, yet my face was still really dry. She simply looked at me and said, in all seriousness, "It's STARTING."

Digression: honey makes a great natural moisturizing face mask. End of digression.

In other news, I am slowly becoming Starbucks' bitch. I hate that it's so close to my office and that there is no Peets anywhere in the area and that the Jitters & Shakes stand closes shop around 10:30am. I hate it. There are days when I just need a hot jolt of caffeine. And I keep getting gift cards to Starbucks. So that's where I go.

I can't stand their plain coffee so I usually opt for an espresso drink. At this particular Starbucks, they don't even brew espresso, really brew it - they just push a button and the espresso comes out of the machine, much like the hot chocolate machine at 7-11s. To distract myself from that disappointing discovery, I have been trying to come up with new tongue-twister concoctions to stump the "barristas" ("toffee nut half-caf non-fat grande latte!" "sugar-free vanilla dry non-fat tall cappuccino!"). Or I just order the evil caramel macchiato and plod back to the office, head hung in shame.

The other day I was waiting in line and the woman in front of me ordered something that sounded like a line from Lady Marmalade, which made me start singing a Starbucks version of that song in my head ("mocha frappa ya ya dada..."), which then got me thinking about Moulin Rouge, which I disliked with a passion.

Sigh. I hate that place.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

File under: culture.

Finally watched Central Station. I liked it a lot, up until the end. Stop reading now if you haven't seen it... He seemed to get why she didn't say goodbye in person, but I didn't.

Saw Elvis Costello again, at the Paramount again. What a show that man puts on. What a voice. What a songwriter. What musicians they are.

And what is so funny about peace, love and understanding?

If it's not a coked-up couple sitting in front of me...

... it's a couple who can't keep their hands off each other standing in front of me ... or a heavily medicated old man sitting next to me who keeps falling over on me ... or a bunch of drunken frat boys sitting behind me who wouldn't know a Bob Dylan song if it ran over and smacked them in the head ... or, in tonight's case, a guy sitting in front of me who forgot to take his rittalin before the show.

I acknowledge that that's probably quite insensitive of me. But it just never fails. I've vowed this before but I'll say it again ... No more shows where I can't move around in the crowd. Or at least away from certain people in the crowd.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Surely this is out there.

A button, a t-shirt, a bumper sticker, with a photo of Dr Evil with Bush's face pasted in, and Mini Cheney by his side. Pinky to the lip and all. Surely it's out there. I can't be the first to have thought of it.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Notes to self...

... If you spend Friday evening watching 13 Going on 30* followed immediately by The Wedding Singer**, you probably will have crazy dreams and ponderous thoughts all weekend. Don't sweat it.

... If you sleep till 3pm on Saturday without staying up too late and/or drinking heavily the night before, opt for sitting on the couch instead of attempting to run three miles. It's very likely that something is physically wrong with you. And it's very likely that it's allergies, which you get every year around this time no matter how much you block it from your memory.

... Watching 8 hours of celebrity poker will probably not improve your game very much, if at all.

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* Yeah, I rented this. It actually wasn't bad, for what it was. I do think it should've been called 13 Going on 35 though, given where she was in her adult life.

** Really now, who amongst us hasn't wanted to say, "that's something that could've been brought to MY ATTENTION YESTERDAY!!!" really loud at work from time to time?

Friday, March 18, 2005

Time killer #487...

20Q.net ... And for the record,
- basketball players do sometimes use spoons;
- you can sometimes find a scarf in a classroom;
- depending on the drink, a drinking glass can bring joy to people;
- I do love crab and it does bring me joy;
- and my cat is not fluffy.

But it's all in fun. Or for science. Or something.

File under: humor.

The second funniest thing I have seen this week (right after Cat Town) can be found here.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

OK, really now... What the HELL is OUR GOVERNMENT SMOKING??!?!

And if they want us to put up with this, they'd better start sharing! Puff puff, give, puff puff, give...

Gotta live, gotta live, gotta live...

... in CAT TOWN!!!

Even more amusing than the Live song with a similar name.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Tenacious A.

And again with the ants.

Tonight I was investigating the source of the ant I found wandering around my kitchen counter, and opened the cabinet underneath the kitchen sink. AHA!! I immediately wiped out about ten critters*, and then started cleaning out the cabinet's contents so I could do some major reconn. In doing so I found a few who were meandering ON the box of Grants Kills Ants! And a few who were hanging about on the can of Ant Raid!!

Ballsy little fuckers, those ants.

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* Whenever wiping out ants I rotate between saying "sorry, little ants, but we cannot cohabitate," which I stole from a friend in an effort to generate some kind of karmic balance with the world, and "there is no escaping here!" from Natural Born Killers. Hopefully between the two I'll either come back as something other than a cockroach, or earn a little respect in hell.

Someone beat me to it.

In my gym, there is a magazine rack in front of the treadmills that houses things like Parents and local work news. They also have Mile High Sports Magazine. And the issue that has been prominently displayed for a few months now, is a back issue with a cover shot of a blond anorexic ski bunny whose stomach (what there is of it) is hanging out, with the words "Mile High" really big behind her head. The words "Sports Magazine," on the other hand, aren't so easy to see, especially from 5 feet away.

This magazine bugged me. Immensely. For a long time. Particularly because I only recently put together the "Mile High" and "Colorado" concepts. And also because I kept thinking that perhaps women were using it as incentive to work out. (To those women I say, you will never look like her. NO ONE looks like her, not even HER. Surrender the fantasy.)

Anyway, in my post-workout-get-me-the-hell-out-of-here fervor, I kept forgetting to put that magazine behind the Parents magazine, or throw it away, or burn it. Today I looked up from the treadmill, and someone had turned it around so that the completley innocuous back of the issue was facing outward.

Bless you, whoever you are. BLESS YOU.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Recently noted...

Even I am not that hardcore.

Can he be my mystery boyfriend? Please? (The rest of the story is rather interesting too - well, to me, anyway, this was the stuff I studied in college.)

One small step for man/man and woman/woman.

And finally, why I can't get that god-awful Reason song out of my head.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

And then the cruel bite of reality.

My good friend called tonight from out-of-state - while I was watching the Celebrity Fat Club (or whatever the hell it's called) marathon of all things - to tell me that her mom died. It's been several months coming, from what I can tell, but still surprising and of course it's horribly depressing and, as usual, I have no idea what to do.

I guess I can just say I'm sorry, and send something to some charity, and/or send flowers, and/or make every effort to be there for the service this weekend, and in general be there if she wants to talk about it.

But, and I can't put it any more eloquently... it sucks. Big time.

Another one...

Bread and Roses. An admirable, heart wrenching tale of grassroots organizing that will now make me think twice when non-union janitors are protesting as I walk by them on the street. This film exemplified a lot of the organizing skills I've been learning in my non-paid-job workshops, which I hope to utilize in that capacity as well as in the current political... debacle. Bonus. And, well, Adrian Brody is hot.

"You rock, rock."

Three movies I've seen recently:

1. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Oh my dear lord... I haven't laughed so hard since my Dodgeball/Elf double feature. Although the first part dragged a bit (with highlights here and there), at approximately 1 hour 3 minutes there is an utterly amazingly hilarious scene that carries the rest of the movie. People expecting another Elf will be sorely disappointed. People craving another Zoolander will be quite pleased.

2. I 'Heart' Huckabees. I'm still not sure what to make of this movie. I loved about 3/4 of it, I mean really loved it, but near the end I became less enamored. I can't say why exactly... Perhaps I just didn't get it after all. Perhaps it became a touch too pretentious. Perhaps Jude Law's miserable American accent finally got to me. Regardless, it's definitely worth checking out. Great actors and an interesting premise.

3. Taxi. Yes, I rented this crap (through Netflix, of course, see previous 'methods of crap rental' posts). I had no expectations other than that Jimmy Fallon would look really cute and maybe be funny. Unless the latter occured after the first 30 minutes (I couldn't bring myself to watch more than that), I only got the former. Worth 30 minutes of my life? Not really.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

The Internet is for porn.

In an attempt to purchase a ticket to an upcoming show at Bimbo's 365 Club, I went straight to the address bar and, without thinking, typed in www.bimbos.com.

I don't recommend doing this. Google is your FRIEND...

Today in music news...

(Because what I was going to write about will take way too much energy.)

According to iTunes, people who bought Wilco also bought Whitney Houston. And people who bought Jack Johnson also bought 50 cent. Two items of proof that other people with otherwise decent taste in music buy their crap online too.

In other news, I just discovered the Decemberists, who seem to have written a song about someone* I went to high school with, unless it's just a random coincidence. Neat. (Speaking of her, read this before you see this... Probably instead of seeing it, actually. You won't be sorry. I can't see Richard Gere in that role at ALL.)

And this will be pretty significant, if it actually happens.

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* I don't claim to have known her, but I was good friends with her sister years ago... Until I dated her sister's ex-boyfriend, and then all bets were off. Apparently they're still off, if a distantly-recent sighting at the book tour are any sign.

Friday, March 11, 2005

"A lie is a gesture, it's a courtesy, it's a little respect."

There's an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry holds the elevator for a teenage girl. They're both going to the same doctor's office and he kindly lets her off the elevator first. She ends up signing in before him and making him wait 45 extra minutes for his doctor's appointment... So the last scene shows him in the elevator, and someone is running to the elevator yelling "hold it! hold it!" and he feigns leaning forward to push the "door open" button as it shuts in the person's face.

Prior to seeing this episode, I feigned it all the time - not because I was worried I'd be late for something, but because inevitably I ALWAYS pushed the "door close" button by mistake and ended up not helping people anyway.

Since watching that episode, I now have a new perspective on feigners... and I'm proud to be one.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Everything must go.

I was killing time between the airport and a volunteer meeting tonight, and happened upon a Hallmark store that was going out of business. Everything in the store was 40% off. EVERYTHING!!

Ever the bargain hunter, I gleefully shopped for thank-you notes (one can never have enough thank-you notes on hand) and birthday/anniversary/wedding/baby shower cards for the rest of the year. When I got to the counter I asked the guy (who turned out to be the owner) how much longer they'd be open, thinking I could come back, when I had a little more time, and add to my surplus. He said something about not being sure they could last till April, and suddenly I felt very sad for him.* What if this was his dream, and his business was going under, and now he'd have to find some crappy job to sustain himself and his family for the rest of their lives? What did he think of business increasing X% only since he put the "going out of business" sign in the window? What about all those other depressed store owners going out of business whom I'd only visited because at that point they weren't trying to rip me off with their overpriced wares?

And then I recalled a guy I met several years ago who lived in Bali, shipped shitloads of Bali arts and crafts here to sell at ridiculously high prices before Christmas, then reduced prices by 75% after Christmas so that he could get rid of the stock, go back to Bali and live the good life for another 9 months. And I thought, maybe this Hallmark store owner is retiring. Maybe he won the lottery and didn't need the gig anymore. Maybe he was moving out of state. Maybe he was moving to Bali.

And then I thought, what the hell do I care?? I just got 30 thank-you notes and 10 greeting cards for $20!!! Whatever reason your store is going under is sooooooo not my fault, I buy full-priced cards all the time.

In unrelated news, my oldest friend in the world (the one I've known the longest, not my nonexistent 101 year old friend) and her husband are having a baby!!! How exciting for them... How scary for them... And I guess I'll be heading back east sometime in the fall.

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* I got home tonight and found pleas for money from the Sierra Club, Unicef, KQED and the National Parks Association. Four requests in one day is a record, even for me. My train of thought while opening the mail: "Jesus! Sure I'll sign the petition to save the wetlands but you're not getting my check... Why did you send me a real nickel [Editor's note: Unicef really did this]? How guilty would I feel if I kept that nickel? I'll show you, I'm sending it back with NOTHING ELSE except a note saying please take me off your mailing list now quit bugging me!!... Oh, so you see that I've been a loyal member since 2004 and you're grateful for my enduring ongoing support - 12 whopping months does not enduring ongoing make, and anyway, get your facts straight, I've been supporting KQED for about FIVE years now... What if the parks and poor children and independent radio really do need my money more than my savings account does? How does one decide where to share their own personal wealth? OK - how does one who doesn't want to see a payoff decide where to share their own personal wealth? Is it based on values? Because if that's the case I could rationalize how any of these are more important than the other, or equally important, and convince myself to sign the check(s)... Fuck it - you're all getting recycled and I'm buying a dresser instead."

(It may very well be hormones. Or the fact that I've been up since 4:30am today. Or the fact that my current dresser smells like moth balls.)

Monday, March 07, 2005

Choosing my own adventure.

For some reason today I started thinking about where I would be now, had I chosen different paths along the way. And for some reason I was thinking about this in a "Choose Your Own Adventure" format, e.g.:

"During your sophomore year in college, you change your major to one in which you could get a great education at either your chosen out-of-state school or your less costly, less desirable home-state university. Do you (a) continue at your current out-of-state university, rack up ridiculous amounts of tuition debt, but really come into your own because you're on your own for the first time in your life, or do you (b) transfer back to your home university where you live with the folks, save lots of money and play it safe?"

I chose B.

I "wrote" numerous other situations today, but just about everything since then, that got me here (here=physically, mentally, emotionally), hinged on that decision. So this is where I'm supposed to say, "and if given another chance I'd pick B all over again..." But I can't say that.

I guess this is where reincarnation comes in handy.

Caloric osmosis.

Every time I watch Paula's Home Cooking, I gain 10 pounds. Just from watching. I'm not kidding.

Mystery man.

To everyone who has recently said they thought I was seeing someone or asked me how "the relationship" is going, I ask the following: Can you please introduce me to this person I'm allegedly dating?

Thanks!!

My first WOW!

This weekend I had a few firsts. One was my first experience at the Whiskies of the World Expo. One thing I will say with authority is that I'm so glad I got there an hour after my friends did. Had I arrived with them, I fear they'd have needed to scrape me off the floor when it was time to leave... After a while I could only discern between what did and didn't make me shudder as I tasted it, but I recall that the Suntory Yamazaki 25 yr and 18 yr Sherry Wood were deeeeelightful. Given that they are only being sold in Japan and they retail for $800 and $200, respectfully, I'm glad we made several trips to the relaxing times booth. Another one I appreciated, but only after I chased it with a toffee, was the vanilla infused whiskey.

Another first was my first dinner at First Crush... Perhaps it was the whiskey pre-show, perhaps it was the 30 minute wait even though we'd made reservations, perhaps it was my particular dinner selection, I can't say... But I was unimpressed.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

They're polka dots.

And they're hot... And fun... And... "whimsical." Yeesh. Perhaps I'll need to rethink this template change in the near future.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Stuff that bugs me more than it should.

In no particular order: That the guy on the bus called everyone he knew to tell them he was on his way home, and that he was shouting because he was ON THE BUS. That laundry in my building costs $3.50 a load. That the guy I met at the comic book convention didn't ask me for my number or email or anything. That the Food Network airs "Unwrapped." That I went to the gym and did laundry on a Friday night. That I totally blew up at someone today at work instead of talking to him like a rational human being. That Luna likes to bat the venetian blinds just to hear the noise. That Katie Holmes and Chris Klein have split.

And why it shouldn't bug me, in the order above: Wherever you go there will be annoying people (and in some cases you're the annoying person). Hey, at least I have laundry in my building. I wasn't really interested in him anyway. I suppose there are people on this planet who do want to see how cheesy poofs and string cheese are made. It's by choice, it really is. He pissed me off and he deserved it. She's bored as hell and I'm sitting here on the computer. OK do I even need to go there??

Ayyyyyyyye love a parade...

Today is Parade Day. It's March 4th. Get it? March fourth? Get it? March forth!

Haha!!!

______________
Flat-out stolen from a friend - but she stole it from someone too.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil...

... about the meeting I had the "pleasure" of sitting through today. Except to say that I shouldn't have been seeing or hearing the majority of it. But I shall not speak of it, and I did use the ridiculously long period of time to my advantage by making a laundry list of things I need to do for my unpaid second and third jobs. Sigh.

Speaking of laundry, I had to do laundry on another floor tonight and as I was going up the back stairwell - which I have never entered in my 16 months of living in this building - I saw one of the most lovely things in the world... A TRASH CHUTE!!! I have often wondered, when dumping my trash in the garage dumpster, why there was a big chute and from where it originated, but I never really took the time to investigate. It seems there is one ON EVERY FLOOR!!! Although it's not as convenient as the one in my first apartment - which was indoors, just down the plushy carpeted hall and did not require taking my keys and/or a 5-second doorstop - it was indeed a splendid discovery.

Hey, it's the little things.

Now I just have to find a way to implement a "rent chute," "rental repair request chute" and "chute me straight into my car chute" and I will be SO SET. Maybe a big slide from my balcony to the other side of the street where the bus stop is too... Hmm.