Early Friday five.

Patton Oswalt is a funny, funny man. I saw him at Cobb's a few years ago and recently learned that someone at work had his album, so I borrowed it and have been giggling incessantly in my cube ever since. Five favorite quotes that don't really require hearing the full story, but need a little 'splainin'*, in no particular order:

• "We're thinking of having an invisible kid named '10 hours of sleep a night' " - response to his friends' incessant questioning about when he and his girlfriend were going to have kids
  
• "America is like a giant trust fund kid with nuclear weapons 'this country is nice can we have Disney World here?' ('but this is Paris...') 'DISNEYWORLD!' " - response to the Hard Rock Cafe in Dublin that they probably had to tear down a bar from Ulysses to build
  
• "Every time you eat a steak, a hippie's hackey sack goes into the sewer" - no 'splainin' necessary
  
• "You wouldn't give a crippled crab a crutch!" - from a crackhead who wandered into open mic comedy one night and did a bit, which Patton recreates verbatim, which was probably one of the best open mic night bits I've ever heard
  
• "The Continental was one of those hotels where everything looked like it had been rubbed in ham" - because we've all stayed at one of those...

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* Remind me to tell you the book group story someday. Offline.