"How to evade a stampede of shoppers."

My friend gave me a "Worst Case Scenario 2005 Survival Calendar" either for Christmas or my birthday. I can't remember.

At times it has provoked thought ("How To Survive If Trapped In A Lion Cage," "How To Jump From A Moving Car," "How To Cross A Pirhana-Infested River" - in what life might I need this information? it sounds like a much more interesting life than the one I lead now).

At times it has contained some highly useful information ("How To Lose Someone Who Is Following You In A Car," "How To Avoid And Survive A Hit And Run," "How To Carry Someone Who Is Passed Out," "How To Win A Bar Fight" - all perfectly feasible situations in the life I currently live).

And sometimes, like next week's, it's just funny. So for anyone about to hit the malls on Friday for a little holiday shopping, I offer the following advice from the 2005 Worst Case Scenario Survival Calendar:

• "Stay focused and visualize your goal... Reacting early and decisively in crowds affords you your best shot at survival."
• "Avoid herd mentality... Avoid the temptation to join the herd - you cannot shop if you cannot see the merchandise."
  
• "Do not move toward the oncoming herd. You risk being trampled..."
• "Maximize your movement options... stay on the edge [of the crowd]."
• "Wear proper shoes."
  

OK maybe it's just funny to me... because I need to hit the malls on Friday.

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Others are amusing too, and each one has a diagram or cartoon to accompany the advice... I especially like the cartoon for "How To Escape If Trapped In A Walk-In Freezer." It's a guy trapped in a walk-in freezer laying face down inside a cardboard box with a big tub of ice cream and a spoon next to him.